Difference between revisions of "List of chalkboard gags"

Latest revision as of 21:01, June 2, 2026

The following is a list of chalkboard gags seen on The Simpsons.

Season 1[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
2	I will not waste chalk.	"Bart the Genius"	7G02
3	I will not skateboard in the halls.	"Homer's Odyssey"	7G03
4	I will not burp in class.	"There's No Disgrace Like Home"	7G04
6	I will not instigate revolution.	"Moaning Lisa"	7G06
7	I will not draw naked ladies in class.	"The Call of the Simpsons"	7G09
8	I did not see Elvis.	"The Telltale Head"	7G07
10	I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".	"Homer's Night Out"	7G10
11	Garlic gum is not funny.	"The Crepes of Wrath"	7G13
12	They are laughing at me, not with me.	"Krusty Gets Busted"	7G12
13	I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.	"Some Enchanted Evening"	7G01

Season 2[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
14		I will not encourage others to fly.	"Bart Gets an "F""	7F03
	During the episode, Bart writes as Ms. Krabappel speaks: I will not fake my way through life
15		Tar is not a plaything.	"Simpson and Delilah"	7F02
17		I will not Xerox my butt.	"Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish"	7F01
18		I will not trade pants with others.	"Dancin' Homer"	7F05
19		I am not a 32 year old woman.	"Dead Putting Society"	7F08
20		I will not do that thing with my tongue.	"Bart vs. Thanksgiving"	7F07
21		I will not drive the principal's car.	"Bart the Daredevil"	7F06
22		I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.	"Itchy & Scratchy & Marge"	7F09
23		I will not sell school property.	"Bart Gets Hit by a Car"	7F10
24		I will not cut corners. (This is written for 3 lines. The remaining lines are all "ditto" quotation marks.)	"One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"	7F11
25		I will not get very far with this attitude.	"The Way We Was"	7F12
26		I will not make flatulent noises in class.	"Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment"	7F13
27		I will not belch the national anthem.	"Principal Charming"	7F15
28		I will not sell land in Florida.	"Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"	7F16
29		I will not sell school property. (This is a repeat of 7F10's gag.)	"Bart's Dog Gets an "F""	7F14
30		I will not grease the monkey bars.	"Old Money"	7F17
31		I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.	"Brush with Greatness"	7F18
33		I will not do anything bad ever again.	"The War of the Simpsons"	7F20
34		I will not show off. (This is written in blackletter.)	"Three Men and a Comic Book"	7F21
35		I will not sleep through my education.	"Blood Feud"	7F22

Season 3[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
36		I am not a dentist	"Stark Raving Dad"	7F24
37		Spitwads are not free speech	"Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington"	8F01
38		Nobody likes sunburn slappers.	"When Flanders Failed"	7F23
39		High explosives and school don't mix	"Bart the Murderer"	8F03
	During the episode, Bart writes as Skinner watches: I will not bribe Principal Skinner
40		I will not squeak chalk (Bart makes the chalk squeak as he writes this.)	"Homer Defined"	8F04
41		I will finish what I sta (This is written only once, and then trails off downwards.)	"Like Father, Like Clown"	8F05
43		"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender	"Lisa's Pony"	8F06
44		I will not fake rabies	"Saturdays of Thunder"	8F07
45		Underwear should be worn on the inside	"Flaming Moe's"	8F08
46		The Christmas Pageant does not stink	"Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"	8F09
47		I will not torment the emotionally frail	"I Married Marge"	8F10
48		I will not carve gods	"Radio Bart"	8F11
50		I will not spank others	"Homer Alone"	8F14
52		I will not aim for the head	"Homer at the Bat"	8F13
53		I will not barf unless I'm sick	"Separate Vocations"	8F15
	During the episode: I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
54		I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge	"Dog of Death"	8F17
55		I will not conduct my own fire drills	"Colonel Homer"	8F19
56		Funny noises are not funny	"Black Widower"	8F20
57		I will not spin the turtle	"The Otto Show"	8F21
58		I will not snap bras	"Bart's Friend Falls in Love"	8F22
59		I will not fake seizures	"Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?"	8F23

Season 4[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
60		This punishment is not boring and pointless	"Kamp Krusty"	8F24
61		My name is not "Dr. Death"	"A Streetcar Named Marge"	8F18
62		I will not defame New Orleans (This was a response to controversy created in New Orleans from a song in the previous episode "A Streetcar Named Marge".)	"Homer the Heretic"	9F01
63		I will not prescribe medication	"Lisa the Beauty Queen"	9F02
65		I will not bury the new kid	"Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie"	9F03
	During the episode, Marge writes: I will try to raise a better child
66		I will not teach others to fly	"Marge Gets a Job"	9F05
67		I will not bring sheep to class	"New Kid on the Block"	9F06
68		A burp is not an answer	"Mr. Plow"	9F07
69		Teacher is not a leper	"Lisa's First Word"	9F08
70		Coffee is not for kids (Each line becomes less legible and more scrawled.)	"Homer's Triple Bypass"	9F09
71		I will not eat things for money	"Marge vs. the Monorail"	9F10
72		I will not yell "She's dead" during roll call.	"Selma's Choice"	9F11
73		The principal's toupée is not a frisbee.	"Brother from the Same Planet"	9F12
74		I will not call the principal "spud head."	"I Love Lisa"	9F13
75		Goldfish don't bounce	"Duffless"	9F14
76		Mud is not one of the 4 food groups	"Last Exit to Springfield"	9F15
77		No one is interested in my underpants	"So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show"	9F17
78		I will not sell miracle cures	"The Front"	9F16
79		I will return the seeing-eye dog	"Whacking Day"	9F18
80		I do not have diplomatic immunity	"Marge in Chains"	9F20
81		I will not charge admission to the bathroom	"Krusty Gets Kancelled"	9F19

Season 5[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
82	I will never win an Emmy	"Homer's Barbershop Quartet"	9F21
83	The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy	"Cape Feare"	9F22
90	All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy. (The first four lines are arranged in paragraph format. The following three lines are arranged in the shape of a funnel. The final fully completed line and the line Bart is in the middle of writing is arranged in paragraph format again.)	"The Last Temptation of Homer"	1F07
91	I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause	"$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)"	1F08
92	I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers	"Homer the Vigilante"	1F09
93	My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man	"Bart Gets Famous"	1F11
94	I will not go near the kindergarten turtle	"Homer and Apu"	1F10
97	I am not delightfully saucy	"Homer Loves Flanders"	1F14
98	Organ transplants are best left to the professionals	"Bart Gets an Elephant"	1F15
99	The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan"	"Burns' Heir"	1F16
100	I will not celebrate meaningless milestones (This was the 100th episode aired.)	"Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"	1F18
101	There are plenty of businesses like show business	"The Boy Who Knew Too Much"	1F19
102	I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball	"Lady Bouvier's Lover"	1F21
103	Five days is not too long to wait for a gun	"Secrets of a Successful Marriage"	1F20

Season 6[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
104	Beans are neither a fruit nor musical	"Bart of Darkness"	1F22
105	No one is interested in my underpants (This is a repeat of of the gag from "So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show", although all the words are arranged in a single line.)	"Lisa's Rival"	1F17
106	I will not use abbrev.	"Another Simpsons Clip Show"	2F33
107	I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.	"Itchy & Scratchy Land"	2F01
110	I will not send lard through the mail	"Bart's Girlfriend"	2F04
111	I will not dissect things unless instructed	"Lisa on Ice"	2F05
112	I will not whittle hall passes out of soap	"Homer Badman"	2F06
113	My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man (This is a repeat of the gag from "Bart Gets Famous".)	"Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"	2F07
114	Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough	"Fear of Flying"	2F08
115	Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the principal	"Homer the Great"	2F09
116	"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice	"And Maggie Makes Three"	2F10
117	Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does	"Bart's Comet"	2F11
118	Next time it could be me on the scaffolding	"Homie the Clown"	2F12
119	I will not hang donuts on my person	"Bart vs. Australia"	2F13
120	I will remember to take my medication	"Homer vs. Patty and Selma"	2F14
122	I will not strut around like I own the place	"Lisa's Wedding"	2F15
123	The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far	"Two Dozen and One Greyhounds"	2F18
124	I do not have power of attorney over first graders	"The PTA Disbands"	2F19
125	Nerve gas is not a toy	"'Round Springfield"	2F32
126	I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface	"The Springfield Connection"	2F21
127	The First Amendment does not cover burping	"Lemon of Troy"	2F22
128	This is not a clue... or is it?	"Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)"	2F16

Season 7[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
129	I will not complain about the solution when I hear it	"Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)"	2F20
130	"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism	"Radioactive Man"	2F17
131	No one wants to hear from my armpits	"Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily"	3F01
132	I am not a lean mean spitting machine	"Bart Sells His Soul"	3F02
133	The boys' room is not a water park	"Lisa the Vegetarian"	3F03
135	Indian burns are not our cultural heritage	"King-Size Homer"	3F05
137	Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things	"Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"	3F08
138	I will only do this once a year ("This" refers to the episode being a clip show.)	"The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular"	3F31
139	I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist	"Marge Be Not Proud"	3F07
140	I am not certified to remove asbestos	"Team Homer"	3F10

Season 8[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
155	I did not learn everything I need to know from kindergarten	"You Only Move Twice"	3F23
156	I am not my long-lost twin	"The Homer They Fall"	4F03
160	During the episode, Lisa writes: I will not be a snickerpuss.	"Lisa's Date with Density"	4F01
163	The truth is not out there	"The Springfield Files"	3G01
164	I am not licensed to do anything	"The Twisted World of Marge Simpson"	4F08
166	I will not hide the teacher's Prozac	"Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious"	3G03
173	A fire drill does not demand a fire	"The Canine Mutiny"	4F16

Season 9[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
181	I no longer want my MTV	"Lisa's Sax"	3G02
183	Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story	"The Cartridge Family"	5F01
184	I did not invent Irish dancing	"Bart Star"	5F03
186	I will not tease Fatty	"Lisa the Skeptic"	5F05
187	There was no Roman god named "Fartacus"	"Realty Bites"	5F06
188	Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related	"Miracle on Evergreen Terrace"	5F07
191	Shooting paintballs is not an art form	"The Joy of Sect"	5F23
193	Pain is not the cleanser	"The Last Temptation of Krust"	5F10
194	Silly string is not a nasal spray	"Dumbbell Indemnity"	5F12
196	I was not told to do this	"This Little Wiggy"	5F13
197	My butt does not deserve a website	"Simpson Tide"	3G04
198	I will not demand what I'm worth	"The Trouble with Trillions"	5F14
200	I will not mess with the opening credits (This is actually the couch gag for this episode.)	"Trash of the Titans"	5F09
202	I am not the new Dalai Lama	"Lost Our Lisa"	5F17
203	I was not the inspiration for "Kramer"	"Natural Born Kissers"	5F18

Season 10[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
205		I will not file frivolous lawsuits	"The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace"	5F21
207		The Simpsons Halloween Special IX (This is written once in blood with a paintbrush.)	"Treehouse of Horror IX"	AABF01
208		"butt.com" is not my e-mail address (This was changed to "butt.butt" in later airings, since butt.com was revealed to be a real website. However, "butt.com" still appears in syndication.)	"When You Dish Upon a Star"	5F19
209		No one cares what my definition of "is" is.	"D'oh-in' in the Wind"	AABF02
210		I will not scream for ice cream	"Lisa Gets an "A""	AABF03
211		I am not a licensed hairstylist	"Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble""	AABF04
212		"The President did it" is not an excuse	"Mayored to the Mob"	AABF05
213		My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld	"Viva Ned Flanders"	AABF06
214		Sherri does not "got back"	"Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"	AABF07
215		I will not do "the dirty bird"	"Sunday, Cruddy Sunday"	AABF08
216		No one cares about my sciatica	"Homer to the Max"	AABF09
217		Hillbillies are people too	"I'm with Cupid"	AABF11
218		Grammar is not a time of waste	"Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers""	AABF10
219		I do not have diplomatic immunity (This is a repeat of the gag from "Marge in Chains", although the words are arranged across two lines.)	"Make Room for Lisa"	AABF12
220		It does not suck to be you	"Maximum Homerdrive"	AABF13
221		I cannot absolve sins	"Simpsons Bible Stories"	AABF14
	During Lisa's dream in the episode, in hieroglyphics: I will not deface (The hieroglyphics are "eye", "well", "knot", "D+", and "face", and the "D+" and "face" hieroglyph is read together.)
222		A trained ape could not teach gym	"Mom and Pop Art"	AABF15
223		Loose teeth don't need my help	"The Old Man and the "C" Student"	AABF16
224		I have neither been there nor done that	"Monty Can't Buy Me Love"	AABF17
225		No one wants to hear from my armpits (This is a repeat of gag from "Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily".)	"They Saved Lisa's Brain"	AABF18
226		I'm so very tired	"Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo"	AABF20

Season 11[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
227		Fridays are not "pants optional"	"Beyond Blunderdome"	AABF23
228		Pork is not a verb	"Brother's Little Helper"	AABF22
229		I am not the last Don	"Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?"	AABF21
231		I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize	"E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)"	AABF19
232		I won't not use no double negatives	"Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder"	BABF02
233		Indian burns are not our cultural heritage (This is a repeat of the gag from "King-Size Homer".)	"Eight Misbehavin'"	BABF03
234		I can't see dead people	"Take My Wife, Sleaze"	BABF05
235		I will not sell my kidney on eBay	"Grift of the Magi"	BABF07
	During the episode, Lisa writes: I will not do math in class
236		I will not create art from dung	"Little Big Mom"	BABF04
237		I will stop phoning it in	"Faith Off"	BABF06
238		Class clown is not a paid position	"The Mansion Family"	BABF08
239		Substitute teachers are not scabs	"Saddlesore Galactica"	BABF09
240		My suspension was not "mutual"	"Alone Again, Natura-Diddily"	BABF10
241		A belch is not an oral report	"Missionary: Impossible"	BABF11
242		Dodgeball stops at the gym door	"Pygmoelian"	BABF12
243		"Non-flammable" is not a challenge	"Bart to the Future"	BABF13
244		I was not touched "there" by an angel	"Days of Wine and D'oh'ses"	BABF14
245		I am not here on a fartball scholarship	"Kill the Alligator and Run"	BABF16
246		I will not dance on anyone's grave	"Last Tap Dance in Springfield"	BABF15
247		I cannot hire a substitute student	"It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge"	BABF18
248		I will not obey the voices in my head	"Behind the Laughter"	BABF19

Season 12[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
250		I will not plant subliminal messagores (This episode aired two days before the 2000 United States presidential election.)	"A Tale of Two Springfields"	BABF20
251		I will not surprise the incontinent	"Insane Clown Poppy"	BABF17
252		I am not the acting president	"Lisa the Tree Hugger"	CABF01
253		I was not the sixth Beatle	"Homer vs. Dignity"	CABF04
254		I will only provide a urine sample when asked	"The Computer Wore Menace Shoes"	CABF02
255		The nurse is not dealing	"The Great Money Caper"	CABF03
256		Science class should not end in tragedy	"Skinner's Sense of Snow"	CABF06
	During the episode, Skinner writes: I ain't not a dorkus
257		Network TV is not dead	"HOMЯ"	BABF22
258		I will not "let the dogs out"	"Pokey Mom"	CABF05
259		I will not hide the teacher's medication	"Worst Episode Ever"	CABF08
260		I will not publish the principal's credit report	"Tennis the Menace"	CABF07
261		The hamster did not have a "full life"	"Day of the Jackanapes"	CABF10
262		I will not buy a presidential pardon	"New Kids on the Blecch"	CABF12
263		"Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap	"Hungry, Hungry Homer"	CABF09
264		I will not scare the vice president	"Bye, Bye, Nerdie"	CABF11
265		I will not flush evidence	"Simpson Safari"	CABF13
266		Fire is not the cleanser	"Trilogy of Error"	CABF14
267		Genetics is not an excuse	"I'm Goin' to Praiseland"	CABF15
268		Today is not Mothra's Day	"Children of a Lesser Clod"	CABF16
269		I should not be twenty-one by now	"Simpsons Tall Tales"	CABF17

Season 13[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
271	Nobody reads these anymore	"The Parent Rap"	CABF22
272	A burp in a jar is not a science project	"Homer the Moe"	CABF20
273	Fun does not have a size	"A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love"	CABF18
274	I am not Charlie Brown on acid	"The Blunder Years"	CABF21
275	I do not have a cereal named after me	"She of Little Faith"	DABF02
279	I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers	"Half-Decent Proposal"	DABF04
280	The Giving Tree is not a chump	"The Bart Wants What It Wants"	DABF06
281	Making Milhouse cry is not a science project	"The Lastest Gun in the West"	DABF07
283	Vampire is not a career choice	"Tales from the Public Domain"	DABF08
288	I will never lie about being cancelled again	"The Sweetest Apu"	DABF14

Season 14[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
294	Fish do not like coffee	"Bart vs. Lisa vs. the Third Grade"	DABF20
296	Milhouse did not test cootie positive	"Helter Shelter"	DABF21
300	This school does not need a "regime change"	"The Strong Arms of the Ma"	EABF04
301	SpongeBob is not a contraceptive	"Pray Anything"	EABF06
302	I will not (Bart then destroys the chalkboard with an axe and runs out the school laughing.)	"Barting Over"	EABF05
310	My pen is not a booger launcher	"Old Yeller-Belly"	EABF14
312	Sandwiches should not contain sand	"The Bart of War"	EABF16

Season 15[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
319		Over forty & single is not funny	"Today I Am a Clown"	FABF01
327		I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be	"The Ziff Who Came to Dinner"	FABF08

Season 16[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
339	Poking a dead raccoon is not research	"She Used to Be My Girl"	FABF22
346	Beer in a milk carton is not milk	"On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister"	GABF05
355	A booger is not a bookmark	"Home Away from Homer"	GABF15

Season 17[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
357		Does any kid still do this anymore?	"The Bonfire of the Manatees"	GABF18
366		I am not smarter than the President	"Homer's Paternity Coot"	HABF03
367		Teacher was not dumped--it was mutual	"We're on the Road to D'ohwhere"	HABF04
371		First airing, live action opening: I will not eat things for money (This is a repeat of the gag from "Marge vs. the Monorail", aside from the live-action aspect.)	"Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife"	HABF08
	Subsequent airings: I will not laminate dog doo
372		I will not flip the classroom upside down (The classroom is flipped upside down.)	"Million-Dollar Abie"	HABF09
376		I will not leak the plot of the movie	"Regarding Margie"	HABF13
377		Je ne parle pas français ("I do not speak French")	"The Monkey Suit"	HABF14
378		Have a great summer, everyone	"Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play"	HABF16

Season 18[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
381	During the episode, Skinner writes as Bart watches: A baby beat me up	"Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em"	HABF20
383	We are not all naked under our clothes	"G.I. (Annoyed Grunt)"	HABF21
387	Frankincense is not a monster	"Kill Gil, Volumes I & II"	JABF01
390	During the episode: So long suckers	"Little Big Girl"	JABF04
394	Global warming did not eat my homework	"Homerazzi"	JABF06
397	I will not look up how much teacher makes	"Crook and Ladder"	JABF13
398	Pearls are not oyster barf	"Stop, or My Dog Will Shoot!"	JABF12

The Simpsons Movie[edit]

Airdate	Image	Gag
July 27, 2007		I will not illegally download this movie.

Season 19[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
401	I will not wait 20 years to make another movie	"He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs"	JABF20
402	The Wall Street Journal is better than ever	"The Homer of Seville"	JABF18
404	I am not an FDIC-insured bank	"I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"	JABF19
406	There is no such thing as an iPoddy	"Little Orphan Millie"	JABF22
407	The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens	"Husbands and Knives"	JABF17
409	The capital of Montana is not "Hannah"	"Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind"	KABF02
410	Teacher did not pay too much for her condo	"E Pluribus Wiggum"	KABF03
413	The art teacher is fat, not pregnant	"The Debarted"	KABF06
417	A person's a person, no mater how Ralph	"Apocalypse Cow"	KABF10
419	This punishment is not medieval. (This sentence is written in a medieval writing style, with the initial "T" being the most ornate.)	"Mona Leaves-a"	KABF12

Season 20[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
422	Teacher's diet is working	"Lost Verizon"	KABF15
423	There's no such month as "Rocktober"	"Double, Double, Boy in Trouble"	KABF14
425	I did not see teacher siphoning gas	"Dangerous Curves"	KABF18
427	Prosperity is just around the corner Additionally, during the couch gag: I will not bring the chalkboard home (The chalkboard Bart is writing on has taken the place of the couch in the Simpsons' living room.)	"MyPods and Boomsticks"	KABF20
428	Jesus is not mad His birthday is on Christmas	"The Burns and the Bees"	KABF21
429	I will not use permanent ink on the chalkboard	"Lisa the Drama Queen"	KABF22
430	HDTV is worth every cent (This was the first episode to air in HD.)	"Take My Life, Please"	LABF01
431	"March Madness" is not an excuse for missing school	"How the Test Was Won"	LABF02
432	I will not have fun with educational toys	"No Loan Again, Naturally"	LABF03
434	Four-leaf clovers are not mutant freaks	"In the Name of the Grandfather"	LABF11
435	My piggy bank is not entitled to TARP funds	"Wedding for Disaster"	LABF05
437	I will not mock teacher's outdated cell phone	"The Good, the Sad, and the Drugly"	LABF07
438	I will not put hot sauce in the CPR dummy	"Father Knows Worst"	LABF08
441	It's "Facebook," not "Assbook"	"Coming to Homerica"	LABF12

Season 21[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
442		The class hamster isn't just sleeping	"Homer the Whopper"	LABF13
443		Chalkboarding is not torture	"Bart Gets a "Z""	LABF15
444		I am not allergic to long division	"The Great Wife Hope"	LABF16
446		I do not have the hots for my mom	"The Devil Wears Nada"	LABF17
447		Halloween does not kick Thanksgiving's ass	"Pranks and Greens"	LABF18
448		Teachers' unions are not ruining this country	"Rednecks and Broomsticks"	LABF19
451		The world may end in 2012, but this show won't	"Once Upon a Time in Springfield"	LABF20
456		World War II could not beat up World War I	"Stealing First Base"	MABF07
458		Hot dogs are not bookmarks	"American History X-cellent"	MABF08
459		This counts as gym and art class	"Chief of Hearts"	MABF09
460		Original airing: South Park—we'd stand beside you if we weren't so scared	"The Squirt and the Whale"	MABF14
	International/online version: Je ne suis pas français ("I am not French")
462		Eating my vegetables is not a Mother's Day present	"Moe Letter Blues"	MABF13
463		Batman is not "nothing without his utility belt"	"The Bob Next Door"	MABF11
464		End of "Lost": It was all the dog's dream. Watch us. (This episode first aired on the same date as the series finale of Lost.)	"Judge Me Tender"	MABF15

Season 22[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
465		When I slept in class, it was not to help Leo DiCaprio	"Elementary School Musical"	MABF21
466		I did not see teacher applying for welfare	"Loan-a Lisa"	MABF17
467		I must not write all over the walls (This sentence is written all over the walls.)	"MoneyBart"	MABF18
471		"A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" is as good as "A Charlie Brown Christmas"	"How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window?"	NABF02
473		Candy canes are not elf bones	"Donnie Fatso"	MABF19
474		January is not Bart History Month	"Moms I'd Like to Forget"	NABF03
476		Prince is not the son of Martin Luther King	"Homer the Father"	NABF05
477		I will not make fun of Cupid's dink	"The Blue and the Gray"	NABF06
479		I'm not here on a spitball scholarship	"The Scorpion's Tale"	NABF08
480		"Daylight Savings" is not a failed bank	"A Midsummer's Nice Dreams"	NABF09
481		I will not ridicule teacher's Final Four bracket	"Love Is a Many-Strangled Thing"	NABF10
	During the episode, Homer writes: I'm a grown man who's scared of his own son
484		I do not deserve a Mother's Day gift for being "one badass mother"	"Homer Scissorhands"	NABF13
485		Syndicated version: It's Kristen Schaal, not Kristen Schall (This was a response to Kristen Schaal's name being misspelled as "Kristen Schall" in the closing credits of the previous episode, "Homer Scissorhands".)	"500 Keys"	NABF14
	International/online version: Guinea pigs should not be used as "guinea pigs"

Season 23[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
488		It's not too early to speculate about the 2016 election	"Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts"	NABF17
490		It's November 6th--how come we're not airing a Halloween show?	"Replaceable You"	NABF21
494		"Caucus" is not a dirty word	"The Ten-Per-Cent Solution"	PABF02
495		Cafeteria trays are not toboggans	"Holidays of Future Passed"	NABF18
496		Tintin did not sucksuck	"Politically Inept, with Homer Simpson"	PABF03
497		We do need no education	"The D'oh-cial Network"	PABF04
498		There's no proven link between raisins and boogers	"Moe Goes from Rags to Riches"	PABF05
499		I will not replace a candy heart with a frog's heart	"The Daughter Also Rises"	PABF06
500		Milhouse writes as Bart watches: Bart's earned a day off	"At Long Last Leave"	PABF07
	During the episode, Bart spray paints onto the wall: I ♡ the breakdown of society
504		Original/UK airing: The true location of Springfield is in any state but yours	"Beware My Cheating Bart"	PABF11
	International (except UK)/online version: Teacher does not have to pay an "Ugly Tax"
507		Call your mother during the commercials	"Ned 'n Edna's Blend Agenda"	PABF15

Season 24[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
509	I will not wear white after Labor Day (Bart is wearing a white shirt and white pants.)	"Moonshine River"	PABF21
512	I will not concede the election till Karl Rove gives me permission	"Gone Abie Gone"	PABF16
513	I want to secede but don't know which state I'm in	"Penny-Wiseguys"	PABF19
514	20 more shoplifting days till Christmas	"A Tree Grows in Springfield"	PABF22
517	Teacher did not get fat over the holidays	"Homer Goes to Prep School"	RABF02
518	I will obey Oscar® campaign rules from now on	"A Test Before Trying"	RABF03
520	I was not nominated for "Best Spoken Swear Word"	"Love Is a Many-Splintered Thing"	RABF07
521	Online version: I will not tweet as the principal's toilet (The opening sequence for this episode was not included in the original broadcast in order to make room to broadcast The Longest Daycare.)	"Hardly Kirk-ing"	RABF05
523	I'm sorry I broke the blackboard (Bart writes this with a black marker on a whiteboard.)	"Black-Eyed, Please"	RABF09
524	Jesus's last words were not "TGIF"	"Dark Knight Court"	RABF10
528	This school is not falling apart (The blackboard then falls apart as Bart turns to run out of the classroom.)	"The Fabulous Faker Boy"	RABF12

Season 25[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
531		25 years and they can't come up with a new punishment	"Homerland"	RABF20
532		All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy (Bart then turns and sees a maniacally-grinning Stephen King, who has been writing the same sentence all over the classroom walls with a pencil.)	"Treehouse of Horror XXIV"	RABF16
533		We'll really miss you Mrs. K. (This is written once, and Bart is sad.) (Marcia Wallace, the voice actor for Edna Krabappel, passed away nine days before this episode aired.) (This also appears in a flashback scene in "Diary Queen".)	"Four Regrettings and a Funeral"	RABF18
534		My school schedule does not include a bye week	"YOLO"	RABF22
	During the episode, Bart stitches on a quilt: I will not drop a stitch
535		Rocktober is not followed by Blowvember	"Labor Pains"	RABF19
537		I will stop asking when Santa goes to the bathroom	"Yellow Subterfuge"	SABF04
538		I will not call my teacher "Prancer" and "Vixen".	"White Christmas Blues"	SABF01
540		Original airing: Judas Priest is not "Death Metal"	"Married to the Blob"	SABF03
	International/online airing: If you haven't broken your Christmas presents yet, you're not trying
542		(A bracket-style tournament of characters with Homer and Jasper in the finals.)	"Diggs"	SABF08
544		My dad's already drunk for St. Patrick's	"The Winter of His Content"	SABF09
549		Original airing: April showers do not bring Matt Lauers	"What to Expect When Bart's Expecting"	SABF14
	International/online airing: You can't play April Fool's jokes on April 27th

Season 26[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
553	Spoiler alert: Unfortunately, my dad doesn't die	"Clown in the Dumps"	SABF20
556	During the episode, an unnamed student carves with their finger: Eternal torment is the only just punishment for the unbaptized	"Treehouse of Horror XXV"	SABF21
561	Reindeer meat does not taste like chicken	"I Won't Be Home for Christmas"	TABF03
563	Snowmen don't have carrot penises	"Bart's New Friend"	TABF05
566	Pixel art is not real art	"My Fare Lady"	TABF07
571	Lisa writes as Bart watches: I will not pay my sister to do my punishment	"The Kids Are All Fight"	TABF12
574	During the episode: I will not fight the future (Bart writes this on a digital whiteboard with his finger.)	"Mathlete's Feat"	TABF16

Season 27[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
587	Hershey Kisses do not drop from Cupid's butt	"Love Is in the N₂-O₂-Ar-CO₂-Ne-He-CH₄"	VABF07
591	If Villanova doesn't win we lose everything	"The Burns Cage"	VABF10
592	Skinner writes as Bart watches: Never lose a bet to Bart Simpson	"How Lisa Got Her Marge Back"	VABF11
593	Dad swears he'll get his taxes in soon	"Fland Canyon"	VABF12
594	Dirty clothes are not a Mother's Day gift	"To Courier with Love"	VABF14
595	In a promotional image, Homer writes: I won't show my boobs on live TV	"Simprovised"	VABF13
596	Milhouse does not live below the puberty line	"Orange Is the New Yellow"	VABF15

Season 28[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
597		This arm needs Tommy John surgery	"Monty Burns' Fleeing Circus"	VABF20
598		I will stop losing 50% of my NFL lead-in	"Friends and Family"	VABF18
601		The first episode of the second 600	"Trust but Clarify"	VABF21
603		Being right sucks (This was the first episode to air after the 2016 presidential election, which Donald Trump won, a result predicted in "Bart to the Future")	"Havana Wild Weekend"	VABF19
604		I will watch all 600 episodes without sleeping	"Dad Behavior"	WABF01
610		If we're so good at predicting how come my dad bet on Atlanta	"Fatzcarraldo"	WABF07
612		We're the only house where the Christmas tree is still up	"Kamp Krustier"	WABF09
614		Studying is not "appropriating nerd culture"	"A Father's Watch"	WABF11
	During the episode, Lisa writes: Everybody's a winner
	During the episode, Bart writes: I did nothing wrong this week
616		During the episode, Grampa writes: I just wrote one and I'm already tired	"Looking for Mr. Goodbart"	WABF13
618		Thank you for 28 great years... Taylor Swift	"Dogtown"	WABF15

Season 29[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
621		It's unfair to judge a president on his first 300 days	"Whistler's Father"	WABF16
623		Hooligan is not a profession	"Grampy Can Ya Hear Me"	WABF19
	During the episode, Bart writes using multiple sticks of chalk simultaneously: I will not
624		I will not ask my guidance counselor why he couldn't get a better job	"The Old Blue Mayor She Ain't What She Used to Be"	WABF20
625		We do not live in our own pee (Bart writes this as a fish.)	"Singin' in the Lane"	WABF21
627		Snow angels are not frozen hobos	"Gone Boy"	XABF02
629		Homer writes as Bart watches: Strangling is not an effective parenting tool	"Frink Gets Testy"	XABF04
632		This is the last episode (Bart then flips over the blackboard, and "April Fool" is written on it.)	"Fears of a Clown"	XABF08
633		April Showers did not date the President	"No Good Read Goes Unpunished"	XABF07
635		Homer writes as Bart watches: I will not bet with Bart on the Final four	"Lisa Gets the Blues"	XABF11

Season 30[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
645	During the episode, Bart writes on the Simpsons' driveway: I will not order pregnant rats	"From Russia Without Love"	XABF20
648	My pre-Christmas behavior really helps the coal industry	"Daddicus Finch"	YABF01
649	The fat man who works one night a year is my dad	"'Tis the 30th Season"	YABF02
650	My new year's resolution was to quit school	"Mad About the Toy"	YABF03
654	Chili fries do not go in like a lamb and out like a lion	"101 Mitigations"	YABF07
655	(Bart draws a bracket tournament of his favorite person, with Krusty winning.)	"I Want You (She's So Heavy)"	YABF08
658	I am not a grandmother	"Girl's in the Band"	YABF11
659	I will not write "Audit please" on Homer's tax return	"I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say D'oh"	YABF12
660	(Bart writes one large "Haw Haw!" on the blackboard, then hits it, which turns around revealing Nelson attached to it with duct tape.)	"D'oh Canada"	YABF14
662	During the episode: I will not shirk my responsibilities (Marge continues writing where Bart left off as he runs out of the classroom.)	"Crystal Blue-Haired Persuasion"	YABF16

Season 31[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
668	Daylight savings isn't something I can spend	"Marge the Lumberjill"	ZABF02
671	Todd writes with two hands: Idle hands are the Devil's tool	"Todd, Todd, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?"	ZABF04
673	Teacher spent New Year's Eve at home by choice	"Hail to the Teeth"	ZABF05
678	Lisa writes: Bart is at a doctor's appointment	"Better Off Ned"	ZABF11
680	Written once on the school blackboard with no one present: School online (This was the first episode to air after several areas of the United States began declaring a state of emergency in response to the COVID-19 pandemic.)	"The Incredible Lightness of Being a Baby"	YABF13
681	Homer writes as Bart watches: How did the boy get me to do this?	"Warrin' Priests: Part One"	ZABF12
682	I will stop reminding the principal I have a later bedtime than he does	"Warrin' Priests: Part Two"	ZABF13

Season 32[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
693	I will not put laxatives in Santa's cookies	"Sorry Not Sorry"	QABF01
696	During the episode, in a photo: I will never be a teacher's pet (Bart writes this while Mrs. Krabappel reads a book.)	"Diary Queen"	QABF05
705	During the episode, in a photo on Terrance's evidence board: I will not take advantage of Milhouse (Milhouse writes this while Bart escapes through the window.)	"The Man from G.R.A.M.P.A."	QABF13

Season 33[edit]

#	Gag	Episode	Code
709	During the episode: I hate rhyming couplets	"Treehouse of Horror XXXII"	QABF16
724	During the episode: I will not express my feelings through chaos	"My Octopus and a Teacher"	UABF11
726	During the end credits: I will not violate the law of entropy	"Marge the Meanie"	UABF15

Season 34[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
741		During the episode, Ned Flanders writes: I will not attempt the salvation of a bureaucrat	"The Many Saints of Springfield"	OABF06
750		I will not try to cram 750 characters into the opening credits...	"Homer's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass"	OABF13

Season 36[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
774		Lisa writes: I will not get detention just to practice cursive (Lisa then proceeds to get out of school with her bike.)	"Women in Shorts"	35ABF17
788		No booger is so perfect it "demands to be flicked"	"Stew Lies"	36ABF09

Season 37[edit]

#	Image	Gag	Episode	Code
796		During the episode, Bart writes in the sand: I will not forget Frink stinks	"Bart 'N' Frink"	36ABF16
	During the episode, Bart writes in the sand: I'm listening
804		Online version: I will not have A.I. these write for me (The opening sequence for this episode was not included in the original broadcast because of timing constraints.)	"Irrational Treasure"	37ABF08

Specials[edit]

Image	Gag	Special
	During the episode, Stewie Griffin writes while sobbing: I will not think about Bart anymore	"The Simpsons Guy"
	Jimmy Kimmel writes as Homer watches: I will not make celebrities read mean tweets (Ths is written once.)	Jimmy Kimmel Live!
	In the credits, Finneas O'Connell writes as Bart watches: I will learn to prank my sister	"When Billie Met Lisa"
	Showcased in real time	"The Simpsons Funday Football" (trailer)
	We will not include Tyreek Hill in these videos	2026 Indianapolis Colts Schedule Release with The Simpsons

Comics[edit]

Simpsons Illustrated[edit]

#	Release date	Gag	Comic story
1	April 4, 1991	I will not read this magazine in class	N/A (front cover)
6	Summer 1992	I will never get anywhere by drawing crude cartoons	Dial "M" for Moe
8	Winter 1992	The armpit is not a musical instrument.	Return to Slander

Simpsons Comics[edit]

#	Release date	Gag	Comic story
1	November 1993	I will not exaggerate my father's weight problem	The Amazing Colossal Homer
3	March 1994	I will not run amok while Principal Skinner is away.	The Perplexing Puzzle of the Springfield Puma
12	September 1995	A soldier of Skinner writes: I will not practice Communist idealogy	White-Knuckled War Stories: Spare the Rod, Spoil the Grunt!
75	October 2002	I will not blame cause and effect for my juvenile delinquency.	...The Permanent Record Room!
123	October 2006	I will not watch TV in class.	Bobbing for Vengeance
	I will not survive the school year (The words "survive the school year" are dripping with blood.)

Bart Simpson[edit]

#	Release date	Image	Gag	Comic story
28	February 2006		Wienerful is not a real word.	Lisa the Vampire Croaker
99	November 2015		I Will Do Better Tomorrow	Back Words

Bartman[edit]

#	Release date	Image	Gag	Comic story
2	April 1994		While under hypnosis by The Penalizer, Nelson writes: I will not deface private property	Where Stalks... The Penalizer!

The Simpsons Comic Strips[edit]

#	Release date	Image	Gag	Comic story
	December 2003		Bart writes: I will not put superglue on the principal's chair Marge writes: I will not have any more children	Marge's "Vacation"

Books[edit]

#	Release date	Image	Gag	Books
	July 31, 1991		I will not juggle food in the cafeteria.	The Simpsons Magic Paint and Colour Book ‎
	June 12, 2007		Snail mail is not dead	Greetings from the Simpsons (2007)

Products[edit]

#

Release date

Image

Gag(s)

Product

Underwear should be worn on the inside

Mud is not one of the four food groups

I will not eat things for money

Funny noises are not funny

I will not sell school property

I will not charge admission to the bathroom

Bart Simpson Talking Alarm Clock

1990

I will not throw paper planes in class

The Simpsons School Kit

Adverts[edit]

Image	Gag	Advert
	I will not take part in shameless commercial promotion (The fifth line ends at the word "commercial" and trails off.)	Sky 1 400th episode ad

Calendar[edit]

Image	Gag	Note
	I will not belch the national anthem.	The Simpsons 1992 Fun Calendar, recycled from "Principal Charming"
	I will not tell a lie.	The Simpsons 1994 Fun Calendar
	Principal Skinner is a weiner [sic]	Written by Principal Skinner with a pencil
	I will be a better principal and son	Written by Principal Skinner in The Simpsons Calendar 2010 (bottom-left corner)
	Name here is not wasting the watching prime-time animated cartoons.	Name here is a name that is personalized for the calendar

Trading cards[edit]

The Simpsons Topps[edit]

#	Image	Gag
1		Biting is unsanitary and rude.
2		I will not belch the national anthem.
3		I will not encourage others to fly.
4		Giving people wedgies is not clever
5		I will not do anything bad ever again.
6		I will not drive the principal's car.
7		I will spend my time productively.
8		Tar is not a plaything.
9		I will not lie, cheat, or spit.
10		I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom.
11		I will not add to our nation's problems.
12		Krusty the Clown is not God.
13		Hamsters do not eat onion rings.
14		I will not trade pants with others.
15		I will not do that thing with my tongue.
16		I will not undermine traditional American values.
17		Cursing is a crutch.
18		I am not a 32 year old woman.
19		I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
20		I will not sell school property.
21		I will not get very far with this attitude.
22		I will not overestimate my own popularity.

Video games/Applications[edit]

Gag	Video game/Application	Note
I am not a 32 year old woman	The Simpsons: Bart's House of Weirdness	Reused from the episode "Dead Putting Society".
I will not call my teacher hot cakes	Reused from the episode "Homer's Night Out".
I will not skateboard in the halls	Reused from the episode "Homer's Odyssey".
Tar is not a plaything	Reused from the episode "Simpson and Delilah".
I will not burp in class.	The Simpsons Screen Saver	At one point, the gag is written "I will not burp u", before the "u" is rubbed out and replaced with "i". Reused from the episode "There's No Disgrace Like Home".
This is not a clue... or is it?	The Simpsons Road Rage	Reused from the episode "Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)".
I will not sell fake cheat codes	The Simpsons Game
I will not sell real cheat codes
I will not switch rating labels
I will not use abbrev.	Reused from the episode "Another Simpsons Clip Show"
I will not encourage others to fly	Reused from the episode "Bart Gets an "F""
Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough	Reused from the episode "Fear of Flying"
There was no Roman god named "Fartacus"	Reused from the episode "Realty Bites"
I cannot hire a substitute student	Reused from the episode "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge"
A fire drill does not demand a fire	Reused from the episode "The Canine Mutiny"
I will not eat things for money.	TheSimpsons.com	Recycled from "Marge vs. the Monorail" From a Flash intro to the website from c. 2000
Written by Jenda on a whiteboard: I will not settle	The Simpsons: Tapped Out	From task Jenda From the Future

Other[edit]

Gag	Usage	Note
I will turn off my cell phone at table reads	Table Reading Room	It is located outside the room where the table reads for the series are done.
My butt is not for blowing out candles	Hallmark Greetings Cards (from 2008)
It's a pleasure to work for the Disney corporation	Family Guy episode "The Birthday Bootlegger"
I will not deck the hall monitor	El Capitan Theatre premier of O C'mon All Ye Faithful
I will not start a podcast	Promotional image for "Simpsons Declassified with Nancy Cartwright" podcast	Written by Nancy Cartwright dressed as Bart

Trivia[edit]

Some chalkboard gags have mentioned, but not written on a chalkboard, including:

Bart requests to do so in Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and Gays to avoid Roofi's music in his house, but Edna Krabappel does not give him detention.
"I will never fake my death and attend my own funeral", on Bart Sawyer's Tapped Out unlock message.

Visual gags

view • talk • edit • past Opening sequence gags
Billboard gag (List) • Chalkboard gag (List) • Lisa's sax solos (List) • Couch gag (List) • Title screen gag (List) • Other gags and parodies

view • talk • edit • past Other gags
A113 • Eyes without a face • First Church of Springfield marquee • Floorboard gag • Gravestones • Springfield Shopper headlines • Strangling