| No Crime Like the Present
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| Tapped Out Quest Information
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No Crime Like the Present is an event-exclusive quest in The Simpsons: Tapped Out. It was introduced in the Holiday Whodunnit content update.
Dialogue[edit]
| After starting the update
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Milhouse, did you hear that Santa got attacked?
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By the bullies?!
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No one knows, but he's pretty messed up. So I guess no gifts from Santa this year...
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Well, I wasn't expecting much anyway. My dad just got fired from that beef bowl place for over-beefing the bowls.
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*eating beef bowl* If you don't skimp the customer, you skimp yourself.
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Well, I guess Santa getting attacked could be good then...maybe my dad can audition to replace him?
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Not if I beat him to it. I just upgraded my snowmobile and gave it "Fast and the Furious"-grade nitrous.
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How does that in any way help you get hired as Santa?
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Because whenever a Santa dies or is incapacitated, there's a race to replace him — and the winner gets his job! Plus a grandfather clock made of mahogany!
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Well, if you become the new Santa, here's my Christmas list: a waterslide from my bedroom window into an infinity pool with underwater surround-sound.
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Your wish is my command.
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Ooh! And if you become Santa, I want you to get my dad a car, so he can finally give me my bike back!
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I grant him one PT Cruiser with blue flames on it.
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Should we really be discussing presents while Santa's in critical condition in the hospital?
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Presents?! I'm not thinking about presents! I'm thinking about pizza. No, cookies. No, milk. No, cheese...
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Dad, stop saying what you think!
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No, Philadelphia the cream cheese company, no, Philadelphia the city, no "Philadelphia" that Tom Hanks movie I never saw—
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Please stop! Doesn't anyone care that the police aren't even investigating how Santa got attacked?
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Nope.
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Not really.
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I'm sure he's getting the care he needs.
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Santa is a contributing member to our society and culture — and yes, he's a capitalist creation who seamlessly transitioned from an advertising tool to a sanctified myth...BUT he still brings joy to children across the globe!
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Sweetie, would you like to visit Santa at the hospital and give him a get-well-soon card?
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Yes, and then afterward, I want to figure out who did this to him...and why.
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While you find out why...I've got a race to nitrous.
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Task: "Make Homer Soup Up the Snowmobile". The job takes place at the Simpson House and takes 6 seconds.
If Bart is owned: Task: "Make Bart Make a Blueprint of His Waterslide and Pool". The job takes place at the Simpson House and takes 6 seconds.
If Marge is owned: Task: "Make Marge Visit Santa". The job takes place at Springfield General Hospital, Hibbert Family Practice, or the Simpson House and takes 6 seconds.
Task: "Make Lisa Visit Santa". The job takes place at Springfield General Hospital, Hibbert Family Practice, or the Simpson House and takes 6 seconds.
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Quest reward:  100 and  10
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