Women in Shorts/Quotes
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- Luann Van Houten: Okay, ladies. Let's all take out this month's book. Then open it, close it, and break out the wine!
- Marge: Luann, we're not feeling very "Whoo." What we're feeling is "woo-oried."
- Kumiko Albertson: This is an intervention.
- Luann: I don't have a problem with drinking.
- Lindsey Naegle: It's not the wine.
- Marge: Luann, you have an addiction to wine merch.
- Marge: You like coffee, right? What if your new personality was coffee?
- Luann: Coffee merch doesn't get me there!
- Bernice Hibbert: Chocolate?
- Luann: "It's chocolate o'clock somewhere"? That makes no sense, Bernice.
- Miss Hoover: How about "proud slut"?
- Luann: Hmm... I love it.
- Malibu Stacy: Hi, Shauna!
- Shauna Chalmers: Um. Who are you, freak? Besides a freaky freak, you freak.
- Nelson Muntz: Mama, could you tell me a story? How about one from the Kingdom of the Classy Ladies?
- Mrs. Muntz: Another one?
- Nelson: Aw, please! I never get tired of their adventures.
- Mrs. Muntz: Well, once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Muntzeena. Oh, and she loved to dance with all of her friends atop the glittery stage of...
- Nelson: Lord Tracksuit's Manor!
- Mrs. Muntz: One fine eve, a party of Knights of the Order of the Bachelor from the Valley of Silicon were there, tossing much gold.
- Nelson: Did they bring a wizard with them who could control the weather?
- Mrs. Muntz: Oh, they sure did. And boy, oh boy, did he make it rain.
- Mrs. Muntz: Oh, my hero.
- Nelson: No, Mom. You're mine.
- Mrs. Muntz: Ah, shut up.
- Homer: Fun fact about Jennifer Garner, Marge. She'll take a night at home with the kids over a Hollywood premiere any day of the week.
- Marge: I told you that.
- Dr. Hibbert: Hello, stranger. Got any sexually transmitted diseases I should know about?
- Bernice: [groans] My name is Lavern McCray. I'm a lingerie model.
- Dr. Hibbert: Well, we have that in common.
- Bernice: You're a lingerie model?
- Dr. Hibbert: No. Uh, my name is also Lavern McCray.
- Wendy Sage: Help! This man is choking! Is anyone here a doctor?
- Dr. Hibbert: Me. I'm a... [coughs] I'ma hoping you find a doctor before it's too late. [to Bernice] You want me to let a man die to give our marriage a boost?
- Bernice: It would be a start.
- Kirk Van Houten: I can help. I'm a French neurosurgeon.
- Luann: No, he's not. We're just role-playing.
- Kirk: You said if I stayed in character, we could have sex.
- Lindsey Naegle: A sad scene. Remember, if you're going to role-play, play it safe. This has been a message from the President's Council on Marital Role-Play, which does not exist because I'm only pretending to be a spokesperson to turn on the men in this bar.
- Lunchlady Dora: I believe every great dish is born of dreams. I'll often awaken with a new creation fully formed in my head. Every morning, I go to the farmer's market to get inspired. Each ingredient becomes a character in the story of lunch. Today's story is, I have 14 bucks and 500 kids to feed. Salt. Fat. Acid. Heat. No, thanks.
- Ruth Reichl: I've eaten in restaurants all over the world, and Lunchlady Dora is doing things I never thought were possible. Or legal. Someone needs to stop her. Maybe the government?
- Agnes Skinner: So, hi. This is my first time on one of these sites. I'm not really sure how this works, but it's time to admit that I'm lonely. Janice passed away six months ago, and I'm finally ready to open my heart to a new enemy. We were at war for 50 years. Oh, God. What a nemesis she was. The most loathsome, sorry excuse for a human being you ever met. May she burn in Hell. I know you're not supposed to talk about your ex, but that relationship is a part of me. Anyway. Ever since I spit on her ugly grave, I've been alone. I'm looking for someone in my rage bracket. I'm not young. I don't have time to waste exchanging passive-aggressive emails or shooting hostile stares across the supermarket. I'm looking for a real commitment. If you think that could be you, reach out. I just wanna make someone miserable for the rest of their worthless life.
- Rayshelle Peyton: Doesn't betting on bad things happening to children feel just a bit wrong?
- Miss Hoover: I feel nothing and I'm fine with that.
