The Saga of Carl/Quotes
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- Announcer: From a Shaolin monastery in Transylvania come helpful hell-spawn! With homicidal honor they rampage for peace! Ki-Ya!
- Homer: You did it, baby. You promised no fun and you delivered.
- Homer: Guys, this science exhibit that told me how stupid it is to play the lottery.
- Moe Szyslak: [worried] So you didn't buy our weekly ticket?
- Homer: Are you nuts? You can't win if you don't play.
- Homer: Four lucky numbers for four best friends.
- Moe: Yeah, I always go with three -- the number of brothers and sisters I, uh, "Hunger Games'd", in the womb.
- Lenny Leonard: Nineteen for me! And for the best year of my life: nineteen ninety-six.
- Carl Carlson: My number's twenty-two. No reason. Just twenty-two.
- Homer: And I'm sixty-nine, because people always laugh when you say sixty-nine. No one knows why.
- Homer: To the best feeling in the world -- money.
- Homer: The power of friendship is so amazing, I don't feel at all suspicious of Carl.
- Moe: Drive faster because of the power of friendship.
- Moe: All our lottery money, gone! If I ever see that Carl again, I'm gonna freeze him, chop him up into ice cubes, and scoop him into the urinal trough at the gathering of the Juggalos.
- Lenny: I bet he flew to Quebec to bring us back authentic French Canadian sugar pie. Oh, I can taste it already. "Mmm, thanks for the sugar pie, Carl."
- Moe: I had plans for that money too -- I was gonna be one of those guys who's really into hot sauce! Hot sauce suspenders, hot sauce pajamas, bolo tie with a little chili pepper on it...
- Lisa: The geyser's one of the most famous natural wonders in... Iceland. I guess that's where Carl's from.
- Moe: Ice-land? Is that even a real place?
- Homer: I thought it was Superman's Superman-cave.
- Homer: Baby... I'm going for us. That money is gonna dig us a swimming pool that'll take our broken family and make it whole.
- Marge: We're not broken!
- Bart: We're broken.
- Lisa: We're pretty broken.
- Moe: Excuse me, uh, we're looking for our, friend... he's, uh, about so tall, uh, wears a jacket, he's, um, got no visible tattoos...
- Homer: Just say he's black, Moe.
- Moe: You say he's black!
- Icelander: This saga tells of how Carl Carlson's family were the watchmen of the coast, always keeping an eye out for invading hordes. Iceland's safety depended on their vigilance. But the Carlsons failed in their duty. The enemy invaded, laying waste to our lava fields, burning our sweaters, and feasting upon our tiny horses.
- Moe: Apparently screwing over your friends is in Carl's blood -- his adopted blood.
- Carl: Friends share their feelings, their hopes, their dreams! Friends know their friends are from Iceland! We are just guys who sit next to each other at a bar and talk about guy stuff.
- Lenny: So all those years of hanging out... meant nothing?
- Carl: Not to me.
- Homer: Sorry, Lenny.
- Lenny: That's all right. Now we know. It's all out in the open. I guess it kinda makes it easier now for me to... To kill Carl!
- Marge: I know Carl did you wrong, but is destroying something he cares that much about really going to make you feel good?
- Homer: Well, we won't know that till after.
- Homer: [reading] "When the barbarian invaders came, the Carlsons met them with their weapons ready"...
- Lenny: Wow, Carl's family really was brave!
- Homer: [reading] ..."weapons which they immediately threw down in surrender. The Carlsons then let the barbarians in the back gate and joined in the sacking, the looting...and the volcano-ing of the village elders. The Carlsons then wrote down this saga so no one would ever forget their treachery and cowardice." [realizing] Carl's family was even worse than people thought.
- Lenny: Carl betrayed his friends, blew the lottery money... all for nothing.
- Moe: Hey guys... I think I feel bad for Carl.
- Homer: It doesn't matter what happened a thousand years ago. For Carl Carlson's honor has been redeemed by the deeds of Carl Carlson.
- Lenny: Carl Carlson who helped me move, even though I moved the week before.
- Moe: Yeah, and when we were painting my house, Carl Carlson brought that blue tape, you know that really makes you look like you know what you're doing. You peel it off, and you got that super-straight line there.
- Homer: And when he brings a six-pack to my house, he doesn't take the extras home with him. Carl Carlson leaves them in the fridge.
- Lenny: Carl Carlson is our friend. Even if he doesn't believe it.
- Moe: If we can forgive Carl for stealing our lottery winnings, maybe youse can find it in youse's hearts to forgive his ancestors.
