Haw-Haw Land/Quotes
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- Disco Stu: If disco's dead, I don't want to live. It's Stuicide!
- Al Gore: If every family could just reduce their carbon footprint by ten percent... Oh, it's hopeless. The floods are comin', people!
- Lisa: This is my Woodstock!
- Marge: You okay, honey?
- Lisa: It's fine. It's fine. I'm just intellectually drunk.
- Marge: Mm. I guess that's okay.
- Lisa: Marge, Marge, Marge, you lighten up. It's science.
- Marge: Maybe you should sit down.
- Lisa: I ain't sittin'. I'm ready to fly!
- Chemical engineer: Hey, kid, I want to show you something.
- Bart: Are you a pervert?
- Chemical engineer: No. A chemical engineer.
- Bart: No!
- Bart: Listen, I don't know what you're teaching, but you and I have great chemistry. Except for the lab coat. It makes you look kind of heavy.
- Chemical engineer: I actually am kind of heavy, and it makes me look thinner!
- Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, Lisa. I brought you three waters: cold, lukewarm and warm.
- Lisa: That's nice. Any sparkling?
- Milhouse: Damn it!
- Lisa: Um, so w-where do you go to school?
- Brendan Beiderbecke: I just moved here. I'm starting next week at a school called Springfield Elementary. I see it got a few dreadful reviews on Yelp. This guy called "Gary Chalmers" gave it half a star.
- Homer: Oh, hi, lee... tle girl. If you see your ma... uh, ma wife, tell her Homer... not your dad... wants the credit card.
- Lisa: I will... sir.
- Homer: Sir? I'm your dad.
- Lisa: D'oh!
- Homer: Knock off that racket!
- Lisa: It's not a racket! It's the truest American art form!
- Homer: Banging on the walls is the truest American art form, and I'm a Picasso! Oh, no! They're playing in time to the beat of my banging!
- Marge: Well, then stop banging.
- Homer: I can't. The rhythm is infectious.
- Lisa: Here's the school trophy case. If you look closely, it's empty. They're actually decals on the glass.
- Nelson Muntz: Lisa, are you squishy for this ding-dong?
- Brendan: Lisa, does that fat kid like you?
- Lisa: Whatever we had, it's in the past.
- Dolph Shapiro: He turned his suffering into entertainment, just like the Jewish people!
- Homer: Why don't you ask him what he's up to?
- Marge: Because if he lies to me, it's like a dagger in my heart.
- Homer: What happens when... I mean if... I ever lie to you?
- Marge: Can you find out what he's really up to?
- Homer: I will.
- Marge: See? That's a lie right there.
- Homer: D'oh! Okay, I really will.
- Marge: That's also a lie.
- Homer: D'oh! Fine. I really, really, really will.
- Marge: Finally, the truth.
- Homer: Keeping... promise. Stupid treehouse. So far off the ground.
- Bart: Uh, Dad, you haven't even started to climb yet.
- Homer: I have to visualize it first.
- Homer: Son, how do I put this? Are you breaking bad up here?
- Bart: No, I'm not. And if you're looking for meth, go see Cletus.
- Homer: Marge, it's worse than we thought. He's speaking in tongues. He's a religious weirdo. The worst thing there is.
- Ned Flanders: Cover your eyes, boys... I'm about to flip Mr. Simpson the "Flanders finger."
- Todd Flanders: You mean...
- Ned Flanders: Yup... a thumbs-up without a friendly wink.
- Lisa: You have a credit card?
- Brendan: Yeah, but no money.
- Lisa: Oh, a true jazz musician.
- Lisa: And so now there's a jazz war over me. It's pretty bad. But it's pretty great.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Uh-huh. Scotland once had two queens fightin' over her. Loser got Scotland.
- Principal Skinner: Willie, someone spiked the teachers' vodka with sulfuric acid. Superintendent Chalmers lost the tip of his tongue.
- Superintendent Chalmers: Kin-ner!
- Brendan: I really can't believe that this is a choice. I mean, look at me. And look at him. And then look back at me.
- Marge: A boy takes his cues from his mother. If I trust him, then he'll be good.
- Homer: Hey, don't knock my mother's method... complete abandonment from age five.
- Ralph Wiggum: Brendan and Nelson are fighting. I'm getting Daddy's gun to under-arrest them.
- Nelson: I'm gonna call you decrescendo, 'cause you're goin' down.
- Lisa: Nelson, that's clever.
- Nelson: Thanks. For you, I read a book.
- Chief Wiggum: All right, Ralphie, easy, easy. Give Daddy back his hat.
- [Ralph fires several shots]
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, you missed everything, just like Daddy.
- Lisa: Nelson, I cherish our unhealthy relationship. Especially the fact that I can tell you the truth. Kiddo, you're not a singer.
- Nelson: Okay, fine, I won't sing. But I'll still perform. That's how much I want to hold your stupid hand.
- Chief Wiggum: We got a tip from an anonymous source named Seymour Skinner.
- Principal Skinner: Do you even know what "anonymous" means?
- Chief Wiggum: Uh, helpful?
- Principal Skinner: He's innocent. But then who put the sulfuric acid in Superintendent Chalmers' drink?
- Groundskeeper Willie: I did.
- Principal Skinner: Willie! Why?
- Mr. Largo: Why?
- Groundskeeper Willie: Because, Seymour, I was trying to kill you.
- Superintendent Chalmers: [lisping] Well, that's okay. Good man.
- Principal Skinner: But...
- Agnes Skinner: Quiet, Seymour. The man's got a dream.
- Marge: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This episode was supposed to have been a parody of Moonlight, not La La Land.
- Homer: Moonlight? But none of us have seen it.
- Marge: We have the DVD. We could watch it tonight.
- Homer: Either that or X-Men: Apocalypse.
- Everyone: X-Men!
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