Constance Clavinger
Constance Clavinger
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Character Information
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Constance Clavinger is a children's author.
History
Thirty years ago, Constance Clavinger wrote The Plucky Little Goat. The book was a massive hit. However, she never wrote a sequel to the book.
In the present day, Springfield Elementary School was at risk of closing down due to low test scores. In the hopes of making the school a little better, Mr. Largo came up with the idea to hold a book fair at the school with Constance Clavinger attending it, since his boyfriend, Geoffrey, knew someone who knew Constance and arranged to have her come to Springfield. The book fair was agreed on at the PTA meeting.
On the day of Constance's arrival, Marge, who was the head of the PTA, had to go to the school to stop Helen Lovejoy from burning books, so she had Homer go and pick up Constance from the Springfield International Airport. When Homer arrived to pick her up, she told Homer that she had to freshen up. Homer waited for a while until he found her in the airport's bar, The Pilot's Room. Constance became very drunk, then tried to drive a cart before crashing into a stack of Bridget Jones's UTI books.
Homer got Constance into the car and tried to give her a coffee, but she knocked it out of his hand because she didn't want him pushing things into her face. She then threw up out the window of the car and got some over her blouse. She then asked Homer to stop somewhere where she could get a new outfit. They arrived at Imperfect Kingdom, an outlet mall, where Constance went off to buy clothes. However, she was gone for a while, so Homer went to look for her, not knowing which store she went into. Constance then went to Homer with a large pile of clothes instead of a single outfit. Raphael chased after her as she had stolen the clothes, and she and Homer were put in the mall's jail.
In the jail, Constance and Homer met Snake, who was a fan of The Plucky Little Goat. He and Constance spoke about the book before they headbutted the jail cell, just like the goat in the book. This caused them to realize that the cell was made from cheap material, so Homer kicked it down and they escaped. As they ran to Homer's car, Snake told Homer to throw him the keys so he could start it. However, Snake got into the car and drove off, leaving Homer and Constance behind. Homer decided to just get a taxi to the school, but Constance revealed that she left her bag in the car, which had her book inside.
Homer and Constance stole Moleman's car, and Homer tracked his car to a warehouse where Snake handed it over to a man who put it into a car compactor. As the car was being crushed, Homer ran into it to save Constance's bag and his sandwich, which was in the glove compartment. As Homer went to hand the bag to Constance, her new book fell out of the bag. Homer picked up the pages and read them and was horrified to find that Constance was killing off the goat, with it being fed into a sausage grinder. Constance revealed that she had been hounded by children wanting a sequel to the book for years and forced to perpetuate that the world is full of wonderful people. She revealed to Homer that her husband cheated on her with a checkout girl who had a tattoo of the Plucky Little Goat on her ass. This caused her to become jaded by life, and she wanted to ruin the innocence of children. Homer tried to talk her down, but she refused to listen. She then ran up to Arnie Pye and had him fly her to school so she could tell the story.
Homer gave chase in Moleman's car while tuned in to Arnie Pye on the radio. He then started crashing into other cars to get Arnie to report on the mayhem he was causing. Eventually, Constance jumped out of the helicopter, attempting to use an umbrella to fly down, but she plummeted to the ground instead. Homer then crashed the car near her and came out concussed. He chased Constance to the school while hallucinating that she was the goat and he was a hippopotamus. Eventually, they made it to the school at about the same time. Homer pleaded with Constance not to tell her story as he didn't want his memories of reading The Plucky Little Goat to his kids to be ruined. However, Constance ignored his pleas and went to read the book.
As Constance started reading, she saw Homer with his family and had a change of heart. She came up with a new story, retelling the events of her and Homer's journey to the school and about the kindness that Homer had shown her. Everybody was confused at the story and the lesson that there were some things worth saving in the world and that not all people would cheat on you. However, they cheered for Constance and the story anyway after a book critic approved.
Appearances
