Difference between revisions of "Haw-Haw Land/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 16:11, February 24, 2026

Disco Stu: If disco's dead, I don't want to live. It's Stuicide!

Al Gore: If every family could just reduce their carbon footprint by ten percent... Oh, it's hopeless. The floods are comin', people!

Lisa: This is my Woodstock!

Marge: You okay, honey?

Lisa: It's fine. It's fine. I'm just intellectually drunk.

Marge: Mm. I guess that's okay.

Lisa: Marge, Marge, Marge, you lighten up. It's science.

Marge: Maybe you should sit down.

Lisa: I ain't sittin'. I'm ready to fly!

Chemical engineer: Hey, kid, I want to show you something.

Bart: Are you a pervert?

Chemical engineer: No. A chemical engineer.

Bart: No!

Bart: Listen, I don't know what you're teaching, but you and I have great chemistry. Except for the lab coat. It makes you look kind of heavy.

Chemical engineer: I actually am kind of heavy, and it makes me look thinner!

Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, Lisa. I brought you three waters: cold, lukewarm and warm.

Lisa: That's nice. Any sparkling?

Milhouse: Damn it!

Lisa: Um, so w-where do you go to school?

Brendan Beiderbecke: I just moved here. I'm starting next week at a school called Springfield Elementary. I see it got a few dreadful reviews on Yelp. This guy called "Gary Chalmers" gave it half a star.

Homer: Oh, hi, lee... tle girl. If you see your ma... uh, ma wife, tell her Homer... not your dad... wants the credit card.

Lisa: I will... sir.

Homer: Sir? I'm your dad.

Lisa: D'oh!

Homer: Knock off that racket!

Lisa: It's not a racket! It's the truest American art form!

Homer: Banging on the walls is the truest American art form, and I'm a Picasso! Oh, no! They're playing in time to the beat of my banging!

Marge: Well, then stop banging.

Homer: I can't. The rhythm is infectious.

Lisa: Here's the school trophy case. If you look closely, it's empty. They're actually decals on the glass.

Nelson Muntz: Lisa, are you squishy for this ding-dong?

Brendan: Lisa, does that fat kid like you?

Lisa: Whatever we had, it's in the past.

Dolph Shapiro: He turned his suffering into entertainment, just like the Jewish people!

Homer: Why don't you ask him what he's up to?

Marge: Because if he lies to me, it's like a dagger in my heart.

Homer: What happens when... I mean if... I ever lie to you?

Marge: Can you find out what he's really up to?

Homer: I will.

Marge: See? That's a lie right there.

Homer: D'oh! Okay, I really will.

Marge: That's also a lie.

Homer: D'oh! Fine. I really, really, really will.

Marge: Finally, the truth.

Homer: Keeping... promise. Stupid treehouse. So far off the ground.

Bart: Uh, Dad, you haven't even started to climb yet.

Homer: I have to visualize it first.

Homer: Son, how do I put this? Are you breaking bad up here?

Bart: No, I'm not. And if you're looking for meth, go see Cletus.

Homer: Marge, it's worse than we thought. He's speaking in tongues. He's a religious weirdo. The worst thing there is.

Ned Flanders: Cover your eyes, boys... I'm about to flip Mr. Simpson the "Flanders finger."

Todd Flanders: You mean...

Ned Flanders: Yup... a thumbs-up without a friendly wink.

Lisa: You have a credit card?

Brendan: Yeah, but no money.

Lisa: Oh, a true jazz musician.

Lisa: And so now there's a jazz war over me. It's pretty bad. But it's pretty great.

Groundskeeper Willie: Uh-huh. Scotland once had two queens fightin' over her. Loser got Scotland.

Principal Skinner: Willie, someone spiked the teachers' vodka with sulfuric acid. Superintendent Chalmers lost the tip of his tongue.

Superintendent Chalmers: Kin-ner!

Brendan: I really can't believe that this is a choice. I mean, look at me. And look at him. And then look back at me.

Marge: A boy takes his cues from his mother. If I trust him, then he'll be good.

Homer: Hey, don't knock my mother's method... complete abandonment from age five.

Ralph Wiggum: Brendan and Nelson are fighting. I'm getting Daddy's gun to under-arrest them.

Nelson: I'm gonna call you decrescendo, 'cause you're goin' down.

Lisa: Nelson, that's clever.

Nelson: Thanks. For you, I read a book.

Chief Wiggum: All right, Ralphie, easy, easy. Give Daddy back his hat.

[Ralph fires several shots]

Chief Wiggum: Oh, you missed everything, just like Daddy.

Lisa: Nelson, I cherish our unhealthy relationship. Especially the fact that I can tell you the truth. Kiddo, you're not a singer.

Nelson: Okay, fine, I won't sing. But I'll still perform. That's how much I want to hold your stupid hand.

Chief Wiggum: We got a tip from an anonymous source named Seymour Skinner.

Principal Skinner: Do you even know what "anonymous" means?

Chief Wiggum: Uh, helpful?

Principal Skinner: He's innocent. But then who put the sulfuric acid in Superintendent Chalmers' drink?

Groundskeeper Willie: I did.

Principal Skinner: Willie! Why?

Mr. Largo: Why?

Groundskeeper Willie: Because, Seymour, I was trying to kill you.

Superintendent Chalmers: [lisping] Well, that's okay. Good man.

Principal Skinner: But...

Agnes Skinner: Quiet, Seymour. The man's got a dream.

Marge: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This episode was supposed to have been a parody of Moonlight, not La La Land.

Homer: Moonlight? But none of us have seen it.

Marge: We have the DVD. We could watch it tonight.

Homer: Either that or X-Men: Apocalypse.

Everyone: X-Men!