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Podcast News/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
- Lisa: So many lies. What else was he hiding from the world? How could the deception go so deep? Can we ever trust anyone? [gasps and runs upstairs, slamming her door]
- Homer: My daughter's roaming the house in the middle of the night looking terrified. I should probably go talk to... [singing] 2 a.m. ham.
- Marge: You look like you didn't sleep a wink.
- Lisa: Looks can be deceiving. Nothing is as it seems. The world is a dark place.
- Marge: How many of these have you listened to?
- Lisa: I don't know. Just two or three a day. And then maybe a couple more to take the edge off. And then one in the morning just to get normal. Wha... I'm not addicted, I swear. I just need to know who killed everybody! [sobs]
- Bart: I've never seen two people agree with each other so much.
- Homer: I disagree.
- Homer: Ma'am, if you're a big shot has-been, why are you dating a small-town never-was?
- Vivienne St. Charmaine: All my life, I dated unwrinkled men who told short, concise stories. But Abe here showed me what I've been missing. He's so sweet he should come with an insulin pump.
- Tabitha Shingle: Some people look at a neck and think, "what a great place for a scarf," and others think, "I'd like to choke that." for Jackson Reeb of Lansing, Michigan, it was the latter.
- Kent Brockman: A romantic sunset cruise, the perfect setting for new love between a fading Hollywood actress and a fully faded old man. But only one of them would return to port alive. I'm Kent Brockman, and this is Guilty Grampa. Guilty Grampa is sponsored by Shampoo Shuttle, seasonal-flavored shampoos drone-delivered direct to your shower.
- Agnes Skinner: I was at the buffet when I heard a woman scream, "Abe, don't!" then a splash.
- Kent Brockman: What did you do next?
- Agnes: I saw they were refilling the shrimp tower, so I had to get over there and touch them all.
- Kent Brockman: Naturally, the police questioned Abe Simpson. His only defense? "I don't remember."
- Chief Wiggum: The old man would not confess. Rude. So we swabbed his hands to see if they tested positive for pushing. It came back as "no such test." The only thing we could do was let him go.
- Homer: Okay, quick, he's in the bathroom, so we only have an hour to talk. Now, on the count of three, say if you think he's guilty or not. One, two, three.
- Marge, Bart, and Lisa: Not guilty!
- Homer: If I'm being honest, I think he's capable of anything, up to and including murder.
- Kent Brockman: Homer, tell me about the Abe Simpson you knew and loved.
- Homer: I mean, I knew him.
- Kent Brockman: Was he abusive?
- Homer: [chuckles] Oh, sure. I mean, he was a quiet loner, but he could be abusive when he wanted to be.
- Kent Brockman: Really? And your mother... how did she deal with all this?
- Homer: You know, I'm not really sure. She disappeared when I was quite young.
- Kent Brockman: Another woman in his life vanished. Stick some foghorns under that and put it up stat.
- Selma Bouvier: Imagine the worst person in the world.
- Patty Bouvier: Now imagine his father. That's Abe.
- Old Jewish man: His roommates kept turning up dead. 90-year-old people don't just suddenly stop breathing. Come on.
- Alice Glick: He murdered me once. That's why my family doesn't visit.
- Homer: Why did you confess, Dad? A majority of the family believes you're innocent.
- Grampa: But what that Kent Brockman said about me was so darn convincing. I began to suspect myself around episode four. Then by episode six, it seemed like it was that hot-tempered deckhand. But by episode nine, I knew I'd done it, just as sure as Shampoo Shuttle is the future of hair care.
- Grampa: Vivienne. Why'd you set me up?
- Vivienne: We set you up. You weren't supposed to confess. You were supposed to meet me in Mexico with the insurance money. That was the plan.
- Grampa: What plan?
- Vivienne: The plan where I faked my death and waited for you to meet me in Mexico with the insurance money. That's why I yelled, "Abe, don't... forget the plan," as I was diving off the boat.
- Grampa: What boat?
- Vivienne: I love you, you senile old sex machine.
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