Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?/Quotes

Quotes

Season 2 Episode Quotes

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027

"Principal Charming"

028
"Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"

"Bart's Dog Gets an "F""

029

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[Homer gives the dinner blessing.]

Homer: And we thank you Lord, for nuclear power which has yet to cause one fatality, at least in this country.

[Homer visits his hospitalized father.]

Abraham: This made me realize my days are numbered, so I need to reveal a secret. Homer, you have a half-brother.

Homer: I have a brother?! Wow, how come it took you so long to tell me?

Abraham: It all began before you were born..

[Many years ago, presumably the 1950s. A much younger Abraham is at a carnival.]

Abraham: I was at a traveling carnival checking out all the skirts when I saw her.

Female carnie: Hey handsome, want to "dunk the clown"?

Abraham: She was captivating, like a stick of dynamite with a hair bow. We hit it off right away.

[One year later. The female carnival worker's carefree smile is now replaced by a depressed frown.]

Abraham: A year later the carnival was back. She was older and handed me a three-month old baby boy. I gave the baby up for adoption and moved on with my life; marrying your mother.

[Scenes of Abraham and Mona's wedding, then skips to Mona giving birth to baby Homer.]

Mona: Abraham, listen to me. I want Homer to have a good life, and not to learn of the shameful act you committed before he was born.

[Present day. Abraham realizes he broke his promise to Mona.]

Abraham: Doh!

[Shelbyville Orphanage. Homer meets with a man who bears a striking resemblance to Dr. Hibbert, but has a mustache.]

Director of Shelbyville Orphanage: I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother.

Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking for my brother today. Can you tell me his name?

Director: Hmm. According to our records, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother and named him Herbert.

Homer: Herbert! Herbert Powell! Great, where can I find him?

Director: I'm sorry...I'm not allowed to release that information.

Homer: Oh, please, please! This is my life we're talking about here! Please!

Director: Well, I--I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all your brother could be anywhere. Even Detroit.

Homer: I know he could be anywhere, that's why I want you to narrow it down for me! Please!

Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the city of brotherly love is not Philadelphia. It is...Detroit.

Homer: Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being I ever--

Director: Read between the lines, you fool!

Homer: Oh! Oh, I get it! Okay. Here's twenty bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives?

Director: Mr. Simpson, I don't want your--

Homer: Just take it and tell me!

Director: Detroit. He lives in Detroit.

Homer: Fine! Thank you!

[Homer and Lisa obtain a Detroit phone book. They cross out the names of each "Herbert Powell" they try, but keep crossing their fingers. Marge then comes into room and see a glum Homer and Lisa.]

Marge: Any luck, Homie?

Homer: No, I called all three Herbert Powells in Detroit. Nothing.

Marge: Hmm...well, you wanna try that H. Powell?

Homer: H.! Of course! That could stand for Herbert! It's a long shot but...

[Homer dials the number for H. Powell. A man at the Powell residence answers.]

Man: Hello?

Homer: Are you H. Powell?

Man: Yes.

Homer: And does, by chance, that H stand for Herbert?

H. Powell: Yes, it does.

Homer: If I may ask, were you an adopted at birth?

Herbert Powell: Yes I was in fact, why do you ask?

Homer: Because my name is Homer Simpson, and I am your long-lost half-brother!

[Silence at other end]

Homer: Hello. Hello?

Herbert: I am here. Just needed a moment to absorb this.

Homer: Well, brother, grab the next plane to Springfield, because we have a lot of catching up to do!

Herb: Tell you what Homer, why don't you come to me?

[Powell residence pans out to show it is a luxurious mansion.]

Herb: While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home. Anytime you're hungry, anytime day or night, Cook will make you anything you want.

: Even pork chops?

Herb: Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool, a screening room--

Homer: You mean, if I want pork chops, even in the middle of the night, your guy will fry 'em up?

Herb: Sure. That's what he's paid for. Now, if you need towels, laundry--

Homer: Wait!

Herb: Maids--

Homer: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Let me see if I've got this straight. It's Christmas Day, 4:00 a.m., there's a rumble in my stomach--

Marge: Homer, please!

Herb: Your old man sure loves pork chops!

Bart: He sure does, Uncle Herb.

Lisa: I want to go on a pony ride!

Bart: I want to go on a boat ride!

Lisa: Pony ride!

Bart: Boat ride!

[Scene cuts to Herb's yacht, where Lisa is riding a pony around the deck and Bart is looking through a telescope.]

Herb: Kids are so easy to please.

Marge: Herb, please do not think I am ungrateful for all you are doing for us, but I am just concerned we may be spoiling the kids.

[Powell Motors. Herb shows Homer the entire line of Powell vehicles.]

Herb: OK Homer, pick any one of these.

Homer: You are giving me a car? But Herb, are these not expensive?

Herb: [chuckling] Come on Homer, there is at a maximum only forty dollars worth of steel in each of these things! So which one do you want?

Homer: None.

Herb: Why not?

Homer: I do not like any of them.

Herb: Why not?

Homer: They do not look that flashy.

Executive #1: Sir, Americans do not like flashy cars. They want plain, economical vehicles.

Homer: And they do not look like they can tear up the road.

Executive #2: Sir, Americans do not want cars that are burners. They want good gas mileage.

Herb: [enraged] Americans do not want that?! Homer, what country do you come from?

Homer: America.

Herb: You hear that, you buffoons? America! That is exactly why our business is going down the tubes! You are not providing people with what they want; you are telling them what they want! Homer, I want you to help me design a car that will appeal to the people of this country. I want to pay you $200,000 a year!

Homer: And I want to let you!

[Powell Motors. A motivated Homer returns after a pep talk from Herb.]

Homer: All right, listen up! We are going to design a car! First things first, cup holders! Do any of you drink the Big One coffee from Kwik-E-Mart?

Engineer #1: I do.

Homer: OK, so you see how most cup holders are teeny! They should be this big! Next, antennae balls! How many of you had problems finding your car?

Engineer #2: I have.

Homer: So you know what I mean. Those should be on every car! Next up, horns. I want a horn here, here, and here! You can never find a good horn when you are mad! And they should all play La Cucaracha! Moving on, how about when you are on a long trip and the kids will not shut up?

Engineer #3: How about a built in video game?

Homer: You are fired!

Engineer #4: A bubble dome that will isolate the kids?

Homer: Bullseye!

[Detroit Zoo. Herb has bribed the zookeeper for Bart and Lisa to get a close look at the penguin exhibit.]

Sign: ONLY EMPLOYEES ALLOWED PAST THIS POINT.

Bart: Woo hoo!

Lisa: [talking to a penguin] Do you miss the Antarctic?

Marge: Now that is spoiling them!

Homer: Gee Herb, because of me you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you would've been better off if I never came into your life.

Herb: Maybe I would've been better off? Maybe!? Why you sponge head—Of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!

Marge: Hmm, maybe he said it to make conversation.

Lisa: His life was an unbridled success until he found out he was a Simpson

[Driving back to Springfield. Entire Simpsons family is asleep in car save for Homer, who is driving, and Bart.]

Bart: Dad?

Homer: Yes, Bart?

Bart: I thought that was a really cool car you designed.

Homer: Thanks boy, I was waiting for someone to say that.

Road sign: YOU ARE NOW LEAVING MICHIGAN.

← Season 1 Season 2 Quotes Season 3 →
Bart Gets an "F" • Simpson and Delilah • Treehouse of Horror • Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish • Dancin' Homer • Dead Putting Society • Bart vs. Thanksgiving • Bart the Daredevil • Itchy & Scratchy & Marge • Bart Gets Hit by a Car • One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish • The Way We Was • Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment • Principal Charming • Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? • Bart's Dog Gets an "F" • Old Money • Brush with Greatness • Lisa's Substitute • The War of the Simpsons • Three Men and a Comic Book • Blood Feud