Kiss Kiss Bang Bangalore/Quotes
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- Homer: [he steps off the plane and sees where he is] This isn't India! Where's the University of Notre Dame and the Indy 500 and Wrigley Field and Dodger Dogs?!
Indian Woman: You ignorant American! You have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers!
Homer: I took a job on the other side of the world?! [groans as the camera pulls to a satellite's view of India] I hate this subcontinent!
- Richard Dean Anderson: [after being kidnapped] You won't get away with this! People will know I'm missing! There's a liquor store I go to every morning!
- Selma: [forcing Richard Dean Anderson to write an autograph on her breasts] You can write "help me" all you want! No one will ever see it! [sinister laugh]
- Lenny: [sitting in the back row of the plant's auditorium] I wouldn't sit too close if I were you. It's bad for your eyes. [camera pulls out, revealing a vat of nuclear waste behind Lenny, which glows through his skeleton]
- Homer: [sweetly] Oh, Marge. I've never been less angry to receive a book.
Marge: [touched] Aw.
- Homer: All right, book, I didn't read you and you didn't read me...
- Homer: [contemplating a mosaic of Hindu gods] Let's see, you got the Elephant Man, Johnny Six Arms, Papa Smurf... You know, maybe I am one of these guys. If only I had some sort of proof. [Opens soda bottle, then looks at cap and gasps] I won a free soda! I AM A GOD!
- Richard Dean Anderson (finding Selma's XXXL bra during an escape): A-bra, Kada-bra!
- Lenny (arriving in India): We're worried about Homer. He sent us this weird card.
[shows card. On the cover, it says "Come celebrate my promotion..." On the next page, it says "...TO GOD!" The camera then shows a hand-written note saying "My cell phone number will be the same.")
Guard (points to two doors): One of these doors leads to Homer Simpson. The other leads to a Bengal tiger. Choose wisely.
[Lenny opens one door, which has a tiger; he closes the door. Carl opens the other door, which has a tiger; he closes the door]
Carl: Both these doors have tigers!
Guard: One of these tigers is named "Homer Simpson".
- Lenny: Ya know Moe, that sign is powered by non-American workers.
Moe: So? The beer is German and the TV is Japanese.
Carl: You got anything here made in America?
Moe (angrily gets out shotgun): This! [cocks the gun, but the back explodes in his face] Oh God! Misfire!
- Selma: MacGyver's back and not just at 2:00 am on the USA Network!
- Richard Dean Anderson: That show was just a paycheck to me, nothing more.
- Patty: Richard Dean Anderson just off the wrong two Richard Dean Anderson fans!
- Mr. Burns: Before we begin the movie, I would like to hold a moment of silence to remember the workers who gave their lives to...
Homer: Movie! Movie! Movie!
- Richard Dean Anderson: Did somebody mention my names?
- Richard Dean Anderson: I want you to put through another escape. But this time, don't make it so easy!
Patty: Okay. [hits Richard Dean Anderson's head with a hammer] Is that too much?
Selma: Not for MacGyver! [hits him with the hammer]
- Comic Book Guy: Richard Dean Anderson, of the four "Star" franchises: Wars, Trek, Gate, and Search, "Gate" is easily in my top three!
Richard Dean Anderson: I get that a lot. - Comic Book Guy: What in the name of Steve Ditko?!
- Comic Book Guy (after Richard is kidnapped): He's gone!
Doug: There must be a Stargate in this room!
Benjamin: Let us find it!
Comic Book Guy: Wait! I have some even more exciting news! I have heard that there is a girl in this room!
Squeaky-voiced teen: Let us find her!
[the nerds close in on Willie]
Willie: This isn't a dress! It's a kilt! And I'm not a girl!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: You're the closest we'll ever get!
- Richard Dean Anderson (dressed as MacGyver): Hey, ladies! Guess who made MacGyver burgers? MacGyver!
Selma: But we didn't have any ground beef.
Richard Dean Anderson: True. But you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater, and rubber bands to hold it all together!
- Bart: So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, thinks he's a god, and has sealed himself in the plant, cutting off all touch with the outside world?
Smithers: Sir, I told you Simpson would be a bad choice to run the plant.
Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"!
- Marge: You are not a god!
Homer: I am a god!
Lisa: Then when's mom's birthday?
Homer: Uh, Janu...Febu...Mar...
Marge: It's May!
Homer: Right. May fir...sec...thir...
- Richard Dean Anderson: I've come up with another escape. I want you to tie me up and lock me in the trunk of your car, under the pier at low tide. All I need are these everyday objects — a toothpick, some liquor, a gun with no bullets, bullets, and three of my MacGyver writers.
Selma: Okay. Maybe we can do it during lunch.
Richard Dean Anderson (childishly): Now!
- Richard Dean Anderson (as he's being kidnapped): Watch the face! I need that for acting!
- Homer (reading the book): "Fried eggs are as important to business as bacon."
Worker 1 (subtitled from Hindi): What's he talking about?
Female Worker (subtitled from Hindi): Fried eggs? I have a degree in physics from M.I.T.
Worker 2 (subtitled from Hindi): Maybe if we cheer, he'll let us go back to work!
- [Burns, Smithers, and the Simpsons arrive at the Indian power plant, with the workers chanting 'mylar balloons']
Marge: Should we take our stuff or are we coming back on the same boat?
Burns: Same boat, but take it anyway. I'm renting the boat to a Dixieland booze cruise.
[they disembark as an Indian Dixie Land band gets on the boat]
- Burns: The man's a genius! We don't need to be here to help him.
Homer: You mean you're giving me absolute power!?
Smithers: Sir, doesn't that corrupt?
Burns: Absolutely...not!
- Richard Dean Anderson: MacGyver, AWAY!
- Homer: Well, I'm just glad I'm not a god anymore. Let's go home. How's Chief Wiggum?
Marge: He was gravely wounded in a bank shooting.
Homer: Yeah, he's funny.
- Homer: I was playing Carnac with my bodyguard...
[Homer removes the turban from his Sikh bodyguard, and places it on his own head. He then places an envelope to his head]
Homer (in Johnny Carson voice): Hin...du
[Homer rips open the envelope, blows into it, removes the card inside and reads...]
Homer (in Johnny Carson voice): The moisture that collects on my Hin!
