| Land of the Lard
|
| Tapped Out Quest Information
|
Land of the Lard is an event-exclusive questline in The Simpsons: Tapped Out. It was introduced in the Time Traveling Toaster content update.
Dialogue[edit]
| After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark
|
|
What could I possibly have done to make Marge fall for a billionaire like Artie, instead of a worthless drunk like me?
|
|
I'm assuming that in your timeline, the Lisa that's your daughter warned you not to alter the past.
|
|
That's why I love you, Lisa. In any universe, you're a shameless nag.
|
|
Two things: first, Other Me told you so. Nah-nah-nah. And second, whatever tiny change you made to history, there has to be a way to undo it.
|
|
Then I won't quit until I've set things aright. Or enough time has passed that I don't seem like too bad a guy for giving up!
|
| Task: "Make Homer Unchange the Future". The job takes place at Homer's Workbench and takes 4 hours.
|
| After starting the job
|
|
I've located the caveman most likely to be Artie's ancestor. But how to be sure...?
|
|
I'm Caveman Ziff!
|
|
|
Now all I gotta do is figure out how to stop him from ever having offspring, and modern-day Artie just disappears!
|
|
This is the nicest form of murder I've ever come up with. What a good guy I am!
|
| After finishing the task
|
|
Hey, Caveman Ziff! Where are all the other men? How come you stay at the cave all day, alone with the women?
|
|
|
Well, those troglodytes consider me a shameful weakling, unfit to join the clan's hunting party.
|
|
|
So I am left here... all day... alone with their wives... When you're the only available man, it hardly matters HOW pitiable you are.
|
|
|
Your very pathetic-ness is your greatest strength. Fascinating!
|
|
|
Thank you!
|
Quest reward:  850 and  10
|
|
| After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark
|
|
|
I need to show the cave ladies Artie is too big a coward to mate with. No matter HOW desperate they are. Bart, I need firecrackers.
|
|
I don't have any firecrackers.
|
|
You're not in trouble, I will pay you. Please, tell me or else, and I love you.
|
|
All good reasons. Second drawer.
|
| Task: "Make Homer Set Off Firecrackers". The job takes place at Homer's Workbench and takes 4 hours.
|
| After starting the job
|
|
|
Look! Look, Neander-babes! See how Caveman Ziff cowers from the fiery explosions!
|
| After finishing the task
|
|
|
Behold, ladies! I have created fire! Tremble at my extreme desirability!
|
|
D'oh!
|
| Quest reward: 850 and 10
|
|
| After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark
|
|
|
Lisa, if you needed to outsmart a primitive cave-person raised in an environment of complete ignorance, what would YOU do?
|
|
|
You're smarter than a caveman. You've just got to be.
|
|
I know! I'll crush him with a rock!
|
|
I take that back.
|
|
|
I suppose I could get him drunk. Expose him to our modern, high-tech alcohols. Let him make a fool of himself.
|
|
|
How needlessly complex. Give it a shot!
|
| Task: "Make Homer Leave a Keg for Caveman Artie". The job takes place at Homer's Workbench and takes 4 hours.
|
|
Hey, idiot! You're supposed to DRINK from the keg, not roll it around!
|
|
|
Behold, women! Caveman Ziff has another amazing invention. First, fire. Now, the wheel! Swoon at my greatness!
|
|
|
At this rate, I'll return to a world populated entirely by Artie Ziffs.
|
| Quest reward: 850 and 10
|
|
| After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark
|
|
|
You know what they say: if at first you don't succeed, and at second you suck even worse, go back to the first idea you had, but do it bigger.
|
|
|
Hey, Professor! What's the biggest explosion you can whip up in ten minutes or less?
|
|
What's the rush? You DO have access to a time machine. Glayvin.
|
|
I don't see your point. Chop chop!
|
|
All righty. I WAS going to provide you with a small nuclear device, but owing to your profound and obvious imbecility, just take this rocket.
|
|
|
Now leave me alone. Have fun destroying something.
|
| Task: "Make Homer Fire a Rocket". The job takes place at Homer's Workbench and takes 4 hours.
|
| After starting the job
|
|
|
Behold, Cave honeys! Caveman Ziff, a very ugly and puny man, has meddled with the forces of nature, and now the gods are pissed!
|
|
|
Let's see... how do you set this rocket off...?
|
|
...
|
|
Uh, oh.
|
| After finishing the task
|
|
|
So, good news: I don't think Caveman Ziff is too popular with the ladies anymore. Bad news: we now know what wiped out the wooly mammoths.
|
|
And that all the saber-toothed tigers were crushed beneath falling wooly mammoths.
|
| Message
|
The story will continue in Act 2. Keep collecting Fossils and Hidden Gems to get more prizes!
|
| Quest reward: 2,050 and 10
|
|
Behind the Laughter[edit]
The quest name is a reference to the TV series Land of the Lost.
