Difference between revisions of "Kiss Kiss Bang Bangalore/Quotes"
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| − | {{ | + | {{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Million-Dollar Abie|The Wettest Stories Ever Told}} |
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| + | {{qf|[[Homer]]}} ''[he steps off the plane and sees where he is]'' ''This'' isn't India! Where's the University of Notre Dame and the Indy 500 and Wrigley Field and Dodger Dogs?! | ||
| + | {{qf|Indian Woman}} You ignorant American! You have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers! | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Oh no, I took a job on the other side of the world?! ''[groans as the camera pulls to a satellite's view of India]'' I hate this subcontinent! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Richard Dean Anderson]]}} ''[after being kidnapped]'' You won't get away with this! People will know I'm missing! There's a liquor store I go to every morning! | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Selma]]}} ''[forcing Richard Dean Anderson to write an autograph on her breasts]'' You can write "help me" all you want! No one will ever see it! ''[sinister laugh]'' | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Lenny]]}} ''[sitting in the back row of the plant's auditorium]'' I wouldn't sit too close if I were you. It's bad for your eyes. ''[camera pulls out, revealing a vat of nuclear waste behind Lenny, which glows through his skeleton]'' | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[sweetly]'' Oh, Marge. I've never been less angry to receive a book. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} ''[touched]'' Aw. | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} All right, book, I didn't read you and you didn't read me... | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[contemplating a mosaic of Hindu gods]'' Let's see, you got the Elephant Man, Johnny Six Arms, Papa Smurf... You know, maybe I am one of these guys. If only I had some sort of proof. ''[Opens soda bottle, then looks at cap and gasps]'' I won a free soda! I AM A GOD! | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Richard Dean Anderson}} ''[finding Selma's XXXL bra during an escape]'' A-bra, Kada-bra! | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Lenny}} ''[arriving in India]'' We're worried about Homer. He sent us this weird card. | |
| − | + | :''[He shows the card. On the cover, it says "Come celebrate my promotion..." On the next page, it says "...TO GOD!" The camera then shows a hand-written note saying "My cell phone number will be the same."]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Guard}} ''[points to two doors]'' One of these doors leads to Homer Simpson. The other leads to a Bengal tiger. Choose wisely. | |
| + | :''[Lenny opens one door, which has a tiger; he closes the door. Carl opens the other door, which has a tiger; he closes the door.]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|[[Carl]]}} Both these doors have tigers! | ||
| + | {{qf|Guard}} One of these tigers is named "Homer Simpson". | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Lenny}} Ya know Moe, that sign is powered by non-American workers. | |
| − | + | {{qf|[[Moe]]}} So? The beer is German and the TV is Japanese. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Carl}} But is there anything in this bar that's made in America? | |
| + | {{qf|Moe}} ''[angrily gets out shotgun]'' Just this! ''[cocks the gun, but the back explodes in his face]'' Oh God! Misfire! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Selma}} MacGyver's back and not just at 2:00 am on the USA Network! | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Richard Dean Anderson}} That show was just a paycheck to me, nothing more. | |
| − | + | {{qf|[[Patty]]}} Richard Dean Anderson just pissed off the wrong two Richard Dean Anderson fans! | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Mr. Burns]]}} Before we begin the movie, I would like to hold a moment of silence to remember the workers who gave their lives in a heroic... | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Movie! Movie! Movie! | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Richard Dean Anderson}} Did somebody mention my names? | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Richard Dean Anderson}} I want you to put through another escape. But this time, don't make it so easy! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Patty}} Okay. ''[hits Richard Dean Anderson's head with a hammer]'' Is that too much? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Selma}} Not for MacGyver! ''[hits him with the hammer]'' | |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Comic Book Guy]]}} Richard Dean Anderson, of the four "Star" franchises: Wars, Trek, Gate, and Search, "Gate" is ''easily'' my third favorite. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Richard Dean Anderson}} I get that a lot. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Comic Book Guy}}What in the name of Steve Ditko?! | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Comic Book Guy}} ''[after Richard is kidnapped]'' He's gone! | |
| − | + | {{qf|{{ap|Doug|nerd}}}} There must be a Stargate in this room! | |
| − | + | {{qf|{{ap|Benjamin|nerd}}}} Let us find it! | |
| + | {{qf|Comic Book Guy}} Wait! I have some even more exciting news! I have heard that there is a girl in this room! | ||
| + | {{qf|[[Squeaky-Voiced Teen]]}} Let us find her! | ||
| + | :''[The nerds close in on Willie.]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|[[Willie]]}} This isn't a dress! It's a kilt! And I'm not a girl! | ||
| + | {{qf|Squeaky Voiced Teen}} You're the closest we'll ever get! Get him! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Richard Dean Anderson}} ''[dressed as MacGyver]'' Hey, ladies! Guess who made MacGyver burgers? MacGyver! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Selma}} But we didn't have any ground beef. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Richard Dean Anderson}} True. But you ''did'' have Slim Jims, a cheese grater, and rubber bands to hold it all together! | |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Bart]]}} So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, thinks he's a god, and has sealed himself in the plant, cutting off all touch with the outside world? | |
| − | + | {{qf|[[Smithers]]}} Sir, I told you Simpson would be a bad choice to run the plant. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Mr. Burns}} You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"! | |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} You are not a god! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} I ''am'' a god! I know all! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Lisa}} Then when's mom's birthday? | |
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Uh, Janu...Febu...Mar... | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} It's May! | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Right. May fir...sec...thir... | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Richard Dean Anderson}} I've come up with another escape. I want you to tie me up and lock me in the trunk of your car, under the pier at low tide. All I need are these everyday objects — a toothpick, some liquor, a gun with no bullets, bullets, and three of my ''MacGyver'' writers. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Selma}} Okay. Maybe we can do it during lunch. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Richard Dean Anderson}} ''[childishly]'' Now! | |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Richard Dean Anderson}} ''[as he's being kidnapped]'' Watch the face! I need that for acting! | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[reading the book]'' "Fried eggs are as important to business as bacon." | |
| − | + | {{qf|Worker 1}} ''[subtitled from Hindi]'' What's he talking about? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Female Worker}} ''[subtitled from Hindi]'' Fried eggs? I have a degree in physics from M.I.T. | |
| + | {{qf|Worker 2}} ''[subtitled from Hindi]'' Maybe if we cheer, he'll let us go back to work! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | :''[Burns, Smithers, and the Simpsons arrive at the Indian power plant, with the workers chanting 'mylar balloons']'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} Should we take our stuff or are we coming back on the same boat? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Burns}} Same boat, but take it anyway. I'm renting the boat to a Dixieland booze cruise. | |
| + | :''[They disembark as an Indian Dixie Land band gets on the boat.]'' | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Burns}} The man's a genius! We don't need to be here to help him. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} You mean you're giving me absolute power!? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Smithers}} Sir, doesn't that corrupt? | |
| + | {{qf|Burns}} Absolutely...not! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Richard Dean Anderson}} ''MacGyver'', AWAY! | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Well, I'm just glad I'm not a god anymore. Let's go home. How's [[Chief Wiggum]]? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} He was gravely wounded in a bank shooting. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Yeah, he's funny. | |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} I was playing Carnac with my bodyguard... | |
| − | + | :''[Homer removes the turban from his Sikh bodyguard, and places it on his own head. He then places an envelope to his head]'' | |
| + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[in Johnny Carson voice]'' Hin...du | ||
| + | :''[Homer rips open the envelope, blows into it, removes the card inside and reads...]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[in Johnny Carson voice]'' The moisture that collects on my Hin! | ||
{{Season 17|Q}} | {{Season 17|Q}} | ||
Latest revision as of 19:42, May 12, 2025
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- Homer: [he steps off the plane and sees where he is] This isn't India! Where's the University of Notre Dame and the Indy 500 and Wrigley Field and Dodger Dogs?!
- Indian Woman: You ignorant American! You have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers!
- Homer: Oh no, I took a job on the other side of the world?! [groans as the camera pulls to a satellite's view of India] I hate this subcontinent!
- Richard Dean Anderson: [after being kidnapped] You won't get away with this! People will know I'm missing! There's a liquor store I go to every morning!
- Selma: [forcing Richard Dean Anderson to write an autograph on her breasts] You can write "help me" all you want! No one will ever see it! [sinister laugh]
- Lenny: [sitting in the back row of the plant's auditorium] I wouldn't sit too close if I were you. It's bad for your eyes. [camera pulls out, revealing a vat of nuclear waste behind Lenny, which glows through his skeleton]
- Homer: [sweetly] Oh, Marge. I've never been less angry to receive a book.
- Marge: [touched] Aw.
- Homer: All right, book, I didn't read you and you didn't read me...
- Homer: [contemplating a mosaic of Hindu gods] Let's see, you got the Elephant Man, Johnny Six Arms, Papa Smurf... You know, maybe I am one of these guys. If only I had some sort of proof. [Opens soda bottle, then looks at cap and gasps] I won a free soda! I AM A GOD!
- Richard Dean Anderson: [finding Selma's XXXL bra during an escape] A-bra, Kada-bra!
- Lenny: [arriving in India] We're worried about Homer. He sent us this weird card.
- [He shows the card. On the cover, it says "Come celebrate my promotion..." On the next page, it says "...TO GOD!" The camera then shows a hand-written note saying "My cell phone number will be the same."]
- Guard: [points to two doors] One of these doors leads to Homer Simpson. The other leads to a Bengal tiger. Choose wisely.
- [Lenny opens one door, which has a tiger; he closes the door. Carl opens the other door, which has a tiger; he closes the door.]
- Carl: Both these doors have tigers!
- Guard: One of these tigers is named "Homer Simpson".
- Lenny: Ya know Moe, that sign is powered by non-American workers.
- Moe: So? The beer is German and the TV is Japanese.
- Carl: But is there anything in this bar that's made in America?
- Moe: [angrily gets out shotgun] Just this! [cocks the gun, but the back explodes in his face] Oh God! Misfire!
- Selma: MacGyver's back and not just at 2:00 am on the USA Network!
- Richard Dean Anderson: That show was just a paycheck to me, nothing more.
- Patty: Richard Dean Anderson just pissed off the wrong two Richard Dean Anderson fans!
- Mr. Burns: Before we begin the movie, I would like to hold a moment of silence to remember the workers who gave their lives in a heroic...
- Homer: Movie! Movie! Movie!
- Richard Dean Anderson: Did somebody mention my names?
- Richard Dean Anderson: I want you to put through another escape. But this time, don't make it so easy!
- Patty: Okay. [hits Richard Dean Anderson's head with a hammer] Is that too much?
- Selma: Not for MacGyver! [hits him with the hammer]
- Comic Book Guy: Richard Dean Anderson, of the four "Star" franchises: Wars, Trek, Gate, and Search, "Gate" is easily my third favorite.
- Richard Dean Anderson: I get that a lot.
- Comic Book Guy:What in the name of Steve Ditko?!
- Comic Book Guy: [after Richard is kidnapped] He's gone!
- Doug: There must be a Stargate in this room!
- Benjamin: Let us find it!
- Comic Book Guy: Wait! I have some even more exciting news! I have heard that there is a girl in this room!
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Let us find her!
- [The nerds close in on Willie.]
- Willie: This isn't a dress! It's a kilt! And I'm not a girl!
- Squeaky Voiced Teen: You're the closest we'll ever get! Get him!
- Richard Dean Anderson: [dressed as MacGyver] Hey, ladies! Guess who made MacGyver burgers? MacGyver!
- Selma: But we didn't have any ground beef.
- Richard Dean Anderson: True. But you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater, and rubber bands to hold it all together!
- Bart: So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, thinks he's a god, and has sealed himself in the plant, cutting off all touch with the outside world?
- Smithers: Sir, I told you Simpson would be a bad choice to run the plant.
- Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"!
- Marge: You are not a god!
- Homer: I am a god! I know all!
- Lisa: Then when's mom's birthday?
- Homer: Uh, Janu...Febu...Mar...
- Marge: It's May!
- Homer: Right. May fir...sec...thir...
- Richard Dean Anderson: I've come up with another escape. I want you to tie me up and lock me in the trunk of your car, under the pier at low tide. All I need are these everyday objects — a toothpick, some liquor, a gun with no bullets, bullets, and three of my MacGyver writers.
- Selma: Okay. Maybe we can do it during lunch.
- Richard Dean Anderson: [childishly] Now!
- Richard Dean Anderson: [as he's being kidnapped] Watch the face! I need that for acting!
- Homer: [reading the book] "Fried eggs are as important to business as bacon."
- Worker 1: [subtitled from Hindi] What's he talking about?
- Female Worker: [subtitled from Hindi] Fried eggs? I have a degree in physics from M.I.T.
- Worker 2: [subtitled from Hindi] Maybe if we cheer, he'll let us go back to work!
- [Burns, Smithers, and the Simpsons arrive at the Indian power plant, with the workers chanting 'mylar balloons']
- Marge: Should we take our stuff or are we coming back on the same boat?
- Burns: Same boat, but take it anyway. I'm renting the boat to a Dixieland booze cruise.
- [They disembark as an Indian Dixie Land band gets on the boat.]
- Burns: The man's a genius! We don't need to be here to help him.
- Homer: You mean you're giving me absolute power!?
- Smithers: Sir, doesn't that corrupt?
- Burns: Absolutely...not!
- Richard Dean Anderson: MacGyver, AWAY!
- Homer: Well, I'm just glad I'm not a god anymore. Let's go home. How's Chief Wiggum?
- Marge: He was gravely wounded in a bank shooting.
- Homer: Yeah, he's funny.
- Homer: I was playing Carnac with my bodyguard...
- [Homer removes the turban from his Sikh bodyguard, and places it on his own head. He then places an envelope to his head]
- Homer: [in Johnny Carson voice] Hin...du
- [Homer rips open the envelope, blows into it, removes the card inside and reads...]
- Homer: [in Johnny Carson voice] The moisture that collects on my Hin!
