Difference between revisions of "Homer's Paternity Coot/Quotes"

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|episode = Homer's Paternity Coot
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{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Simpsons Christmas Stories|We're on the Road to D'ohwhere}}
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== Quotes ==
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{{qf|Commercial}} How often have you driven by a fire and thought 'How can this benefit me?'
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*'''Commercial:''' How often have you driven by a fire and thought 'How can this benefit me?'
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----
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*'''Homer:''' To hell with that paternity test and its 99.99997% accuracy!
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{{qf|[[Homer]]}} To hell with that paternity test and its 99.99997% accuracy!
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*'''Sideshow Mel:''' ''(after his tires are ripped)'' My tires have been severely damaged! The prophecy has been fulfilled! ''(pointing to sign that reads "Do Not Back Up - Severe Tire Damage")''
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----
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*'''Sign:''' [[Springfield]] Tire Fire. Now smelled in 46 states.
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{{qf|[[Sideshow Mel]]}} ''[after his tires are ripped]'' My tires have been severely damaged! The prophecy has been fulfilled! ''[pointing to sign that reads "Do Not Back Up - Severe Tire Damage"]''
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*'''Quimby:''' People aren't taking the tollbooth! We need those seventy-five centses to de-python the town fountain! Get them through that tollbooth by any means necessary!<br />'''Wiggum:''' Gotcha. No survivors. ''(gets out a shotgun and cocks it)''<br />'''Quimby:''' No Shooting.<br />'''Wiggum:''' But it's already cocked.<br />'''Quimby:''' Okay. Shoot into the fireplace.<br />''(Wiggum does so and laughs)''
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----
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*'''Marge:''' Let's go there before the next commercial tells me to do something else.
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{{qf|Sign}} [[Springfield]] Tire Fire. Now smelled in 46 states.
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*'''Homer:''' Who could my father be? [[Hans Moleman|Moleman]]? [[Mr. Burns]]? ''(gasps)'' [[wikipedia:M. Night Shyamalan|M. Night Shyamalan]]? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films! [http://download.lardlad.com/sounds/season17/coot7.mp3 audio clip]
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----
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*'''Ralph:''' ''(with a tuba on his head)'' I'm C3-D2!
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{{qf|[[Quimby]]}} People aren't taking the tollbooth! We need those seventy-five centses to de-python the town fountain! Get them through that tollbooth by any means necessary!
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*'''Homer:''' ''(Looking around Mason's study, which is decorated with various adventurer's items)'' So, I infer from all the knickknacks you're some sort of..fruitcake?
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{{qf|[[Wiggum]]}} Gotcha. No survivors. ''[gets out a shotgun and cocks it]''
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*'''Homer:''' I'm sure my listeners will be pleased about that.<br />'''Mason:''' Listeners? Didn't you say you work for a newspaper?<br />'''Homer:''' Uh, no I didn't. I says I work for a radio station. WXI 940. Number one with our viewers.<br />'''Mason:''' Viewers? Wouldn't that be a TV show?<br />'''Homer:''' Uh, well, um, oh what the hey. I think you're my pappy!<br />'''Mason:''' Ga-whaaa?!
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{{qf|Quimby}} No Shooting.
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*'''Moe:''' Sitting in a rocking chair, eating baby crackers ticktock, ticktock, ticktock banana A-B-C-D-E-F-G wash those June bugs off of me.
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{{qf|Wiggum}} But it's already cocked.
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*'''Marge:''' Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is age-appropriate reading. Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries?
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{{qf|Quimby}} Okay. Shoot into the fireplace.
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*'''Reverend Lovejoy''' ''(heading for the toll booth)'' Don't worry, this one's on Jesus.<br />''(He takes out the church collection plate which is full of coins. The Jesus figurine on his dashboard looks as if it's about to cry)''<br />'''Lovejoy''': Oh, be cool for once.
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:''[Wiggum does so and laughs.]''
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*''(Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are at the retirement home visiting Grandpa)''<br />'''Marge:''' See, Grandpa, you still have a family. We still visit you.<br />'''Grandpa:''' So, Homer couldn't make it?<br />'''Lisa:''' No, but he told us to say hi. Hi!<br />''(long pause)''<br />'''Lisa:''' So...what setting is that fan on?<br />''(pause)''<br />'''Grandpa:''' Medium.<br />''(pause)''<br />'''Lisa:''' I would've guessed low.<br />''(pause)''<br />'''Grandpa:''' You would've guessed wrong.
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{{qf|[[Marge]]}} Let's go there before the next commercial tells me to do something else.
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----
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{{qf|Homer}} Who could my father be? [[Moleman]]? [[Mr. Burns]]? ''[gasps]'' {{W|M. Night Shyamalan}}? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films! ''[http://download.lardlad.com/sounds/season17/coot7.mp3 audio clip]''
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----
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{{qf|[[Ralph]]}} ''[with a tuba on his head]'' I'm C3-D2!
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----
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{{qf|Homer}} ''[looking around Mason's study, which is decorated with various adventurer's items]'' So, I infer from all the knickknacks you're some sort of..fruitcake?
 +
----
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{{qf|Homer}} I'm sure my listeners will be pleased about that.
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{{qf|[[Mason Fairbanks|Mason]]}} Listeners? Didn't you say you work for a newspaper?
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{{qf|Homer}} Uh, no I didn't. I says I work for a radio station. WXI 940. Number one with our viewers.
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{{qf|Mason}} Viewers? Wouldn't that be a TV show?
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{{qf|Homer}} Uh, well, um, oh what the hey. I think you're my pappy!
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{{qf|Mason}} Ga-whaaa?!
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----
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{{qf|Marge}} Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is age-appropriate reading. Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries?
 +
----
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{{qf|[[Reverend Lovejoy]]}} ''[heading for the toll booth]'' Don't worry, this one's on [[Jesus]].
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:''[He takes out the church collection plate which is full of coins. The Jesus figurine on his dashboard looks as if it's about to cry.]''
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{{qf|Lovejoy}} Oh, be cool for once.
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----
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:''[Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are at the retirement home visiting Grampa.]''
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{{qf|Marge}} See, Grampa, you still have a family. We still visit you even though we have no biological obligation.
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{{qf|[[Grampa]]}} So, Homer couldn't make it?
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{{qf|Lisa}} No, but he told us to say hi. Hi!
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:''[Long pause.]''
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{{qf|Lisa}} So...what setting is that fan on?
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:''[Pause.]''
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{{qf|Grampa}} Medium.
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:''[Pause.]''
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{{qf|Lisa}} I would've guessed low.
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:''[Pause.]''
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{{qf|Grampa}} You would've guessed wrong.
 +
 
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{{Season 17|Q}}

Latest revision as of 12:16, March 15, 2022


Season 17 Episode Quotes
← 365 "Simpsons Christmas Stories"
366
"Homer's Paternity Coot"
"We're on the Road to D'ohwhere" 367 →


Commercial: How often have you driven by a fire and thought 'How can this benefit me?'
Homer: To hell with that paternity test and its 99.99997% accuracy!
Sideshow Mel: [after his tires are ripped] My tires have been severely damaged! The prophecy has been fulfilled! [pointing to sign that reads "Do Not Back Up - Severe Tire Damage"]
Sign: Springfield Tire Fire. Now smelled in 46 states.
Quimby: People aren't taking the tollbooth! We need those seventy-five centses to de-python the town fountain! Get them through that tollbooth by any means necessary!
Wiggum: Gotcha. No survivors. [gets out a shotgun and cocks it]
Quimby: No Shooting.
Wiggum: But it's already cocked.
Quimby: Okay. Shoot into the fireplace.
[Wiggum does so and laughs.]
Marge: Let's go there before the next commercial tells me to do something else.
Homer: Who could my father be? Moleman? Mr. Burns? [gasps] M. Night Shyamalan? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films! audio clip
Ralph: [with a tuba on his head] I'm C3-D2!
Homer: [looking around Mason's study, which is decorated with various adventurer's items] So, I infer from all the knickknacks you're some sort of..fruitcake?
Homer: I'm sure my listeners will be pleased about that.
Mason: Listeners? Didn't you say you work for a newspaper?
Homer: Uh, no I didn't. I says I work for a radio station. WXI 940. Number one with our viewers.
Mason: Viewers? Wouldn't that be a TV show?
Homer: Uh, well, um, oh what the hey. I think you're my pappy!
Mason: Ga-whaaa?!
Marge: Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is age-appropriate reading. Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries?
Reverend Lovejoy: [heading for the toll booth] Don't worry, this one's on Jesus.
[He takes out the church collection plate which is full of coins. The Jesus figurine on his dashboard looks as if it's about to cry.]
Lovejoy: Oh, be cool for once.
[Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are at the retirement home visiting Grampa.]
Marge: See, Grampa, you still have a family. We still visit you even though we have no biological obligation.
Grampa: So, Homer couldn't make it?
Lisa: No, but he told us to say hi. Hi!
[Long pause.]
Lisa: So...what setting is that fan on?
[Pause.]
Grampa: Medium.
[Pause.]
Lisa: I would've guessed low.
[Pause.]
Grampa: You would've guessed wrong.
Season 17 Quotes
The Bonfire of the Manatees • The Girl Who Slept Too Little • Milhouse of Sand and Fog • Treehouse of Horror XVI • Marge's Son Poisoning • See Homer Run • The Last of the Red Hat Mamas • The Italian Bob • Simpsons Christmas Stories • Homer's Paternity Coot • We're on the Road to D'ohwhere • My Fair Laddy • The Seemingly Never-Ending Story • Bart Has Two Mommies • Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife • Million-Dollar Abie • Kiss Kiss Bang Bangalore • The Wettest Stories Ever Told • Girls Just Want to Have Sums • Regarding Margie • The Monkey Suit • Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play
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