Difference between revisions of "Treehouse of Horror XI/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 12:53, September 16, 2026

Homer: Ooh, my horoscope. "Taurus: Today you will die."

Marge: What?!

Homer: "And you may get a compliment from an attractive coworker." Lenny?

Lisa: It really says "die"? That sounds unusually specific for a horoscope.

Marge: Mmm, maybe I better check mine. "Today your husband will die." [gasps] Homer, I'm scared.

Homer: Ooh, scary newspaper. Don't hurt me, horoscope. I'm afraid... Ow! Oh! Paper cut! Paper cut! [screams]

Lenny Leonard: Homer, if I may compliment you...

Homer: Yes, go on.

Lenny: That is one handsome rattlesnake you got biting your arm there.

Carl Carlson: Yeah, that's quite fetching. But, uh, aren't you worried about the deadliness?

Homer: No, he'll get tired of biting in an hour or so. Snakes, nature's quitters.

Homer: That horoscope was baloney. Nothing happened except for the pickaxe in my head, the rattlesnake bite and the testicle thing. What's for dessert?

Dr. Hibbert: Mm, another broccoli-related death.

Marge: But I thought broccoli was...

Dr. Hibbert: Oh, yes, one of the deadliest plants on earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

Homer: [ghostly voice] Marge Simpson...

Marge: Homer, it's you! I thought I'd never see you again.

Homer: [ghostly voice] You were wrong. Dead wrong!

Marge: Do you have to talk like that?

Homer: [normal voice] No, not really.

Homer: Marge, you got to help me. I have to do one good deed to get into Heaven.

Marge: Well, I've got a whole list of chores. "Clean the garage, paint the house, grout the--"

Homer: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm just trying to get in. I'm not running for Jesus.

Homer: Uh-oh. Uh... I'm pretty sure she was going to be the next Hitler. Hello? Good deed done.

Nelson Muntz: Your daddy's dead! Mine's just in jail!

Homer: Did you see that? I did the deed! Open up!

St. Peter: Oh, I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking.

Homer: Hey, I thought you guys could see everything.

St. Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.

Homer: Well, I'll be damned.

St. Peter: I'm afraid so, yes.

Homer: Hello, wife. Hello, children. Who's up for a merry jig? Do-de-do, do-de-do... Ow! Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not merry. I lost my job as an oaf today.

Marge: What? Oh, why are the oafs always the first to go?

Homer: Oh, I'm no dunce. I was born an oaf and I'll die an oaf.

Homer: Boy, dumping your kids in the forest sure gets your hands dusty.

Marge: What?! You threw our precious babies into the woods?! We could have sold them! Go back and get them!

Homer: Here's a better idea. I know how we can replace those children. [growls]

Bart: Wow, a house made of gingerbread.

Suzanne: Come on in, my darlings. The best candies are inside.

Lisa: Wait. Let me check the book.

[Suzanne cackles]

Bart: Aw, she seems nice. I'm going to go with my gut and trust her.

Lisa: You're probably right.

Suzanne: Sweep faster. It's almost time for your beating.

Lisa: Oh, this is horrible.

Bart: Horribly delicious.

Lisa: You know, she's only fattening you up so she can eat you.

Bart: Ah, what are you going to do?

Lisa: Well, at least stop basting yourself.

Homer: Mmm, sugar walls.

Lisa: Father, I knew you'd rescue us!

Homer: Hmm. Rescue you, stuff myself with candy, it's all good.

Homer: [sniffs] Mmm, fish. Oh, no, that's me! Agh!

Suzanne: Oh, god, no! Let me out! I couldn't be in more pain! [screams]

George Cauldron: Uh, hello, I'm George Cauldron. Is Suzanne ready yet?

Homer: Almost, just give her another 20 minutes.

George Cauldron: But the concert's at 8:00.

Announcer: Folks, we're heating up the lobster tank, so hurry on over if you wanna pet 'em before you eat 'em.

Lenny: Mmm. Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination.

Chief Wiggum: Hmm. Bottlenose bruises. Blowhole burns. Flipper prints. This looks like the work of rowdy teens. Lou, cancel the prom.

Kent Brockman: Our top story: Killer dolphins.

Lisa: Killer dolphins?

Kent Brockman: The recent "wave" of murders...

[man shrieks]

Kent Brockman: Um... Di... Did I say "killer dolphins"? I meant killer... Italians. Great, bottlenose, intelligent Italians.

Homer: Intelligent Italians? Something's wrong.

Mayor Quimby: People, please. We're all frightened and horny, but we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring.

Bart: It's approaching the podium.

Sideshow Mel: Surely it cannot speak.

King Snorky: Snorky... talk... man... [clears throat] I'm sorry, let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.

[townspeople gasp]

Moe Szyslak: What did he say?

Carl: He said dolphins used to live on the land.

Moe: Whaaaa?!

Marge: But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping.

Snorky: We were trying to get out. It's cold, it's wet. Every morning I wake up phlegmy.

Lisa: That's all that sewage we keep dumping.

Snorky: [gasps] That was you?

Homer: It was her all right. Take the one who wronged you.

Homer: Wait. Stop. We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget, we invented computers, leg-warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, and the pudding cup. I'm not going to let a few hoop-jumping tuna-munchers push me around!

Homer: Come on, humans. We've wiped out entire species before, we can do it again!