Poop My Baby Says/Quotes

Quotes

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Congratulations on your new U-Phone.

Professor Frink: With the apps and the screen-touching and the [GLAVIN!] Where do I recycle my obsolete unit, purchased two months ago?

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: No trouble, sir. The electronapult has a direct trajectory to the component landfill across town... ...making responsible environmentalism as easy as pulling on a rubber band.

Professor Frink: Oh my.

Lisa: Hey, Becky... What are you guys doing?

Becky Shorter: You can't join us in skipping, Lisa. No one wants to listen to you.

Lisa: What?

Becky: No offense, but you're a big know-it-all smarty-pants, and your skipping rhymes are poems by Maya Angelou.

Bart: Lisa! Milhouse is on the phone. He wants to know if you're going to chatter again before dinner. He's been reviewing them on his blog.

Lisa: Milhouse...? In...Da... House?! Milhouse. Of course.

Lisa: What about you, Dad? Are you proud of me at all?

Homer: Can't answer... swallowing ham...

Lisa: Please... I'm at a delicate emotional crossroads and need an honest answer.

Homer: Then, of course, I'm proud of you. As a parent, it's illegal not to be. But I'll tell you a secret though... ...all any father wants from his kids is that they don't embarrass him and they don't break things that cost money.

Lisa: I see.

Homer: Glad to help. Someone pass the ham.

Lisa: I'll call myself "chatterbaby." Just enter that name... and... I have five followers already? It's the playground moms from preschool. They must recognize Maggie from her photo... and now it's ten followers. I better give them something to read. "I like hugs." There. Not too clever, but it's what a baby would... Forty followers in five minutes?! It's working! People are reading me. All I have to do now is translate my philosophies of wealth equity, ethical veganism, and environmental awareness into baby talk, and I'll have an audience, literally, in the palm of my hand.

Lisa: What's going on?

Marge: I'm not sure, but Maggie's become famous. She got a chatter account, somehow. Or someone has... and they're talking about life and other things online. Do you know anything about it, Lisa?

Lisa: Me? No! But I've read that some babies can type before they can talk.

Marge: Really?

Lisa: Uh... yeah!

Becky: Do you think your sister is one of those super-babies, Lisa?

Lisa: Uh... maybe... I mean, it's possible...

Marge: Maggie's a super-baby?

Lisa: Five thousand followers... Ten thousand... I'm becoming a meme. I can't see how this can possibly go wrong.

Benson Scott: My name is Benson Scott, three-time Tony Award-winning playwright... And I've been inspired by your baby to create a play about the brilliant way she sees the world. Only her exact words can bring my script to life, so I've written you a check for five thousand dollars... With an advance on future chatters. And there's more to come if this super-baby keeps on going.

Homer: Marge! I got five thousand dollars for the baby! Let's see how much we can get for the boy!

Marge: Maggie is going to help you write a play?

Benson Scott: I feel as though I am merely helping her to write one.

Homer: I knew one of our kids would make us proud someday.

Lisa: Uh-oh. Did I just...? I just hit send when I meant to hit save. I just sent out a chatter...

Milhouse Van Houten: And I just saw you do it, while Maggie was over there. Bart asked me to keep an eye out...

Lisa: You didn't see anything. What do you want?

Milhouse: Can I just be in on your secret? I've never been in on anything.

Lisa: What if I say no?

Milhouse: Then I show this time-stamped photo I took of you chattering and expose you.

Lisa: No you won't, or you'd have done it already. In fact, I dare you to do it! You don't have the guts.

Milhouse: You're probably right. [SIGH!]

Homer: Before we move on to the highbrow stuff, I'd like to sing a medley of songs from the '90s in alphabetical order.

Marge: Homer...

Benson Scott: Tonight is not about you. Let your daughter's generation have their moment in the spotlight. Let her tell us what she sees in the world of today.

Lisa: Maggie's not the voice of a generation. This is killing me.

Bart: I know. You're chatterbaby, and you should be up there.

Lisa: What...? Are you going to tell?

Bart: Nope. I'm just going to sit here and watch you squirm. I have the best seat in the house for the real show, and I'm not moving.