Diary of a Chimpy Kid/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
|
|
|
|
|
|
811
"Diary of a Chimpy Kid"
|
|
|
- Ms. Albright: So, based on the story of Moses, how many of the Ten Commandments did my ex-husband, Bill, break?
- Martin Prince: If I am to understand "covet" correctly, five.
- Ms. Albright: Her spray tan was on my sheets!
- Milhouse Van Houten: What is this nice crap?
- Ralph Wiggum: I want to see tummy ketchup.
- Bart: Why the hell are Itchy and Scratchy shilling for God?
- Krusty the Clown: This is a financial calamity. Oh, I'm kind of into that lady kangaroo though. They're stealing my money! Oh, there's something about a skinny kangaroo.
- Krusty: Why didn't somebody warn me never to work with babies or animals?
- Lisa: Oh, my God. Are you seeing this?
- Bart: Someone left a baby chimp in one of those little book houses.
- Lisa: [gasps] He's so cute!
- Bart: Look at his little tiny finger pads.
- Lisa: Where'd he come from?
- Bart: Who cares? If he's in here, he's up for grabs.
- Lisa: You and I could actually have a baby chimp!
- Bart: We could turn the upstairs into a monkey playground.
- Lisa: We can grow Tarzan vines for him. How long do Tarzan vines take to grow?
- Bart: I don't know. We'll pay a guy.
- Marge: Kids, you've gotta find that animal's owner.
- Bart: We did find its owner, us! He was abandoned and we rescued him.
- Lisa: We named him Mr. Goodboy because he's such a good boy.
- Bart: He is! Such a great name, Lis.
- Homer: We can't keep a monkey in the house. That's gotta be the kind of lesson our family has learned at some point.
- Marge: Just give it time. This will fall apart before we know it. One diaper change for Bart, and he's out. The first monkey tick that Lisa finds in her bed? End of story.
- Homer: So we just sit back, let the situation implode, and the kids think it's their fault we're sending the monkey back to the Iceland or wherever it came from? Chimp-mate.
- Lunchlady Dora: Stupid kids, you got to pluck the fur off before you flour it.
- Bart: Oh, why did I use you as an expendable prank prop like some sort of Milhouse? From here on out, I promise I'll do everything I can to keep you out of danger.
- Lisa: I wanna make sure you're hitting your social and emotional milestones, so let's check out Mom's parenting books. Ugh, that didn't work. That couldn't work. That led to Bart smoking a pipe. "Free Range Parenting." They never even unwrapped this one. Let me see. "Give a child space to make their own mistakes, and they'll grow up with less anxiety." I have so much anxiety, mainly that I've been raised wrong.
- Bart: Are we sure this bubble bath is safe for him?
- Lisa: You're such a worrywart all of a sudden. Look, the label says it's tested on monkeys.
- Marge: How about an audiobook?
- Homer: My drive time belongs to Moe's podcasts. He commits crimes, then solves them with the help of the Internet.
- Narrator: However, as chimps mature, they can become violent and dangerous. Adult chimps have a pull force ten times stronger than a man's, and huge canines that turn their bite into a devastating weapon. Luckily, chimps only attack when provoked.
- Homer: Oh.
- Narrator: Except for the chimps who live with humans. The mature chimp perceives his human caretaker as a threat and unmasks him by tearing off his face. Or biting off a man's genitals. Nothing provokes a chimp's bloodlust more than a male human he perceives as a rival.
- Bart: What happened?
- Lisa: It's okay. It was just one little monkey jumping on the bed. He fell down and bumped his head.
- Bart: Well, I called the doctor, and the doctor said, "No more monkeys jumping on the bed."
- Homer: Marge, hypothetically, if I were to lose either my face or my snuggle factory, which would you keep?
- Marge: Snuggle factory.
- Homer: What?
- Marge: Well, when we're snuggling, I could try to imagine another person's face for the first time ever.
- Homer: Whose face would you imagine?
- Marge: Seth Meyers.
- Homer: Whoa, you sure had that ready to go.
- Marge: He just seems like he never has to shave. Oh, come on, who would yours be?
- Homer: Martha Stewart. She'd make me a great meal then boss me around a little.
- Marge: What in the world are you browsing?
- Homer: Hockey masks and codpieces. I've got to protect our most valuable possessions from ferocious chimp rage, my Homer face and my trouser fruit.
- Bart: Nelson?
- Lisa: Where's Ms. Story?
- Nelson Muntz: Like art class, the music program, and Milhouse on his way to lunch, she got defunded. However, I've had lots of these sessions, so I decided to switch sides. What are you struggling with?
- Nelson: Look, you two were raised in a troubled home. Can we agree on that?
- Bart: Yes.
- Lisa: It's true.
- Nelson: Plus, it's not natural for a kid to have two parents. How about we un-purple the nurple for a second and wedgie up this relationship?
- Lisa: It's a zoo that exploits animals for profit!
- Bart: So, a zoo.
- Lisa: We gotta get him back!
- Homer: But I just put a frozen chicken pot pie in the oven!
- Bart: Microwave it!
- Homer: Soggy crust? I'd rather eat it frozen.
- Homer: Hey, monkeys! Chomp on these alpha bits! Here it is. Ding-dong. Ding-dong.
- Clark's sister: You may take our monkeys, but you'll never take our secret monkeys!
- Clark: Don't listen to my sister. There are no secret monkeys or secret tigers. Or secret tiger-monkey breeding facility.
