Mountain of Madness/Quotes
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- Mr. Burns: I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film! You all need a serious lesson in teamwork!
- Carl: [referring to Lenny] Maybe he does, but I don't.
- Mr. Burns: Tell me, Simpson, if an opportunity arose for taking a small short-cut, you wouldn't be averse to taking it, would you?
- Homer: Hmm, not as such.
- Mr. Burns: Neither would I. If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift, or the Jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well I say, "Cheating is the gift man gives himself."
- Homer: Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat!
- Mr. Burns: Excellent!
- Bart: Mom, can Lisa and I play outside... away from the bear?
- Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
- Mr. Burns: Yes, well, you've been bit of a pill lately.
- Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?
- Carl: According to the map, the cabin should be right here.
- Lenny: Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them, um, metaphorical things.
- Carl: Oh, yeah, yeah. Like maybe the "cabin" is the place inside each of us created by our goodwill and teamwork.
- Lenny: Oh. Nah, they said there'd be sandwiches.
- Mr. Burns: Well, Simpson, I must say, once you've been through something like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.
- Homer: You said it, you weirdo.
- Marge: Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun!
- Ranger: Oh, I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining.
- Lisa: We'll help you.
- Bart: I have a watch with a minute hand.
- Smithers: All right, you can come. What time is it?
- Bart: 12:80. No wait. Wait. What comes after 12?
- Smithers: 1.
- Bart: No, after 12!
- Marge: Excuse me, sir? I can't find my children.
- Ranger: Have you checked the woods?
- Marge: No.
- Ranger: Hmm. Follow me. We'll take the chair lift. It'll give us an eagle-eye view of the area directly beneath the chair lift.
- Homer: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, yes. But I'd trade it all for a little more.
- Mr. Burns: Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?
- Smithers: 45 seconds.
- Mr. Burns: And what's our time so far?
- Smithers: I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to 15 minutes.
- Mr. Burns: Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me?
- Homer: I think I won, Mr. Burns.
- Mr. Burns: [in an evil voice] Yes. You won, all right. You won more than you bargained for.
- Homer: Woo-hoo!
- Smithers: Each two-man team will work its way through the wilderness to a cabin hidden somewhere on this mountain. The routes are treacherous, so use your maps.
- Homer: [raising his hand] Uh, I lost my map.
- Smithers: You haven't been issued a map, yet.
- Smithers: How could you do this to me, Mr. Burns? After all I've done for you. Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your boney old behind!
- ["Boney old behind" is heard echoing across the mountain.]
- Mr. Burns: Why, thank you, Simpson! I have been watching my figure.
- Homer: Wow, you sure know how to cheat, Mr. Burns.
- Mr. Burns: Yes, well, I'm older than you... You know, Simpson, you're not as objectionable as you seemed when we first met.
- Homer: No, sir, I am not.
- [The Ranger and Marge use a chair lift on the mountain to find Bart and Lisa.]
- Ranger: I won't lie to you. Our chances of finding your children are slim to nil.
- Lisa: [from below] Hi, Mom!
- [Smithers and the kids are waving at Marge.]
- Marge: There they are! Let me down here.
- Ranger: Sorry. There's no way off till we get to the top, and even then it's sort of tricky.
- Marge: All right, kids, we'll meet you at the top! Just be careful!
- Ranger: Uh, actually, I'm a little more concerned about us. [a support beam for the lift chair snaps in half] Um, do you know how to weld?
- Mr. Burns: We have several hours before the others arrive, let's say we get comfy. [turns on the fuse box] Now we have electricity. [turns on the gas] This propane tank will supply us with heat. And this doorknob, properly turned, will allow us access to the cabin.
- Homer: No going through the window for us!
- Lenny: Well, we made it here first. All thanks to teamwork.
- Carl: Yeah, my teamwork.
- Mr. Burns: Ah, 206 bones, 50 miles of small intestine, full, pouting lips. Why, this fellow is less a snowman than a god.
- Homer: Hey, that's the fire alarm.
- Carl: We gotta get out of here.
- Lenny: Wait for me! [filling a cup at the cocoa machine] Come on, come on, come on!
- Homer: So, Mr. Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
- Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
- Homer: Huh?
- Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
- Lisa and Marge: Yankees.
- Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
- Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
- Lisa: Hi, Mr. Smithers.
- Smithers: [sees Bart and Lisa] Oh great. It's the Bobbsey Twins. Well, take your prying eyes elsewhere.
- Bart: [checking out the trees] Is there maple syrup in this one?
- Smithers: There isn't any food in any of these trees. Please, Bart, we've got to hurry! I can't be the last one to reach the cabin.
- Bart: Hey, I'm not gonna get fired. Is there any gold in this mountain?
- Smithers: [sputtering] It doesn't matter!
- Bart: I'll check. [draws a knife, and starts digging]
- Lisa: [running] Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! I found another hurt shrew. I think this one has a twisted ankle.
- Smithers: [sighs] Twisted ank... [sputters] Aren't there any healthy animals in this forest?
- Lisa: Mr. Smithers, Mr. Smithers! That moose is on fire!
- Smithers: Fine, good. I don't care anymore.
- Lenny: [standing with a liquor bottle in his hand] That old goat can't fire me! I'm gonna give him a piece of my mi... [falls in a hole, screaming; thud] Aw nuts!
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