Treehouse of Horror IV/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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086
"Treehouse of Horror IV"
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- Lisa: Grampa's a vampire?
- Bart: We're all vampires.
- Lisa: But no. We killed Mr. Burns.
- Homer: You have to kill the head vampire.
- Lisa: You're the head vampire?
- Marge: No, I'm the head vampire. [Lets out an evil laugh]
- Lisa: Mom?
- Marge: Well I do have a life outside this house, you know.
- Lionel Hutz: First, some ground rules: Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half-hour.
- Devil Flanders: Agreed! Number two, the jury will be chosen by me!
- Lionel Hutz: Agreed. No, wait--
- Devil Flanders: Silence! I give you the Jury of the Damned! Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon--
- Nixon: But I'm not dead yet! In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
- Devil Flanders: Hey, listen; I did a favor for you!
- Nixon: Yes, master.
- Devil Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, the starting line-up of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers!
- Simpsons: Ahh!
- Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare to live out the American dream?
- Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: "Bart is a vampire, beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that... building... thingy... where our beds and TV... is.
- Lisa: Ew! Dad, this is blood!
- Homer: Correction--free blood.
- Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. [it is labeled "Dracula"] Police are baffled.
- Chief Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield museum destroyed.
- Bart: We come now to the final and most terrifying painting of the evening. To even gaze upon it is to go mad.
- Homer: [looking at the painting] Aah! They're dogs... and they're playing poker! Aah!
- Bart: We had a story to go with this painting, but it was far too intense. So we just threw something together with vampires. Enjoy!
- Principal Skinner: Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.
- Lionel Hutz: That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." Which is unbreakable!
- Homer: Mmm... forbidden donut.
- Homer: [reading note] "Dear Homer, I. O. U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead!
- Mr. Burns: Who's that goat-legged fellow, Smithers? I like the cut of his jib.
- Smithers: Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your 11 o'clock.
- [Homer puts stake in Mr.Burns.]
- Homer: Take that!
- [Homer hits stake with hammer multiple times.]
- Lisa: Uh Dad, that's his crotch.
- Homer: Oh, Sorry.
- [Homer puts stake where the heart and hits it.]
- Mr. Burns: AAAAAAGH!
- [Mr. Burns disentergrates.]
- Homer: Whoo-hoo!
- [Mr. Burns Comes Back Alive.]
- Mr. Burns: You're Fired!
- [Mr. Burns Dies Again.]
- Homer: D'oh!
- Devil Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for--
- [Homer has already scarfed the donut]
- Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?
- Devil Flanders: Well, technically no, but--
- Homer: I'm smarter than the Devil. I'm smarter than the Dev--
- [Flanders turns into a huge demon]
- Devil Flanders: You are not smarter than me. I'll see you in Hell yet, Homer Simpson.
- [Devil Flanders curses Homer by turning his head into a donut.]
- Marge: Homer, don't pick at it!
- Homer: But, Marge, I'm so sweet and tasty! Well, I guess I'll go to work.
- Lisa: Uh, Dad, I wouldn't go out there if I were you.
- Chief Wiggum: [outside house, sipping coffee] Don't worry, boys. He's got to come out of there sometime.
- Homer: Oh, I'd sell my soul for a donut.
- [Flanders appears as the devil.]
- Devil Flanders: Did I hear someone wanted to sell their soul?
- Homer: Flanders?! You're the devil?!
- Devil Flanders: It's always the one you least expect isn't it?
- Marge: Lisa, it's not nice to call people vampires. Did everyone wash their necks like Mr. Burns asked?
- Bart & Lisa: Yes.
- Homer: [holding out a pitch black towel] Sure did!
- Bart: Otto! There's a gremlin on the side of the bus!
- [Otto looks out his side window and sees Hans Moleman driving.]
- Otto: Don't worry, Bart dude. I'll get rid of him.
- [Otto slams into the car.]
- Hans Moleman: Oh, I just made my last payment.
- [Moleman's car almost crashes into a tree, but then explodes.]
- Bart: I just had a vision of my own horrible fiery death.
- Lisa: And…?
- Grampa: Quick! We have to kill the boy!
- Marge: How did you know he's a vampire?
- Grampa: He's a vampire? Ahhh!
- [Homer squeezes bull horn in Bart's ear.]
- Bart: Ahhhhhh!
- Homer: Hey Marge, I found all this stuff at the dock. It was just sitting in some guy's boat.
- Homer: Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis… Hey, wait a minute! You are a vampire!
- Marge: Homer, today Bart's a vampire. Tomorrow he could be smoking!
- Homer: It was so nice of Mr. Burns to invite us to his country home in...Pennsylvania!
- [Homer is being sucked into Hell.]
- Marge: Homer, did you eat that donut?!
- Homer: No.
- Blackbeard: [looking at Homer and Marge's wedding picture] Arrgh! This be some sort of treasure map!
- Benedict Arnold: Give me that, you idiot! You can't read!
- Vampire Burns: [on the intercom] Come in, come in. Ah, more victims for the vicious undead.
- Smithers: Uh, you're supposed to let go of the button.
- Vampire Burns: Well son of a bi--[lets go of the button]
- Marge: I think there is something a little off about him.
- Homer: Yeah, his hairdo is so queer.
- Vampire Burns: I heard that!
- Homer: It was the boy!
- Vampire Grampa: This cape is giving me a rash.
- Groundskeeper Willie: My mule wouldn't walk in the mud. So I had to put seventeen bullets in him.
- Lionel Hutz: I watched Matlock in a bar the other night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.
- Blackbeard: This chair be high, says I.
- Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
- Principal Skinner: Pull, Willie, pull!
- Groundskeeper Willie: I'm doin' all the pulling, you blouse-wearing poodle-walker!
- Homer: Ahh! Super Fun Happy Slide!
- Lisa: No Dad!
- Homer: Ohh… I guess killing will be fun enough.
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