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Homer's Barbershop Quartet/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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082
"Homer's Barbershop Quartet"
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- Mayor Quimby: Welcome, swappers, to the Springfield Swap Meet. Ich bin ein Springfield Swap Meet patron!
- George Harrison: [responding to the Be Sharps' rooftop concert] It's been done.
- [Comic Book Guy puts the "Melvin and the Squirrel" record on.]
- Record: Stuck a feather in his cap and called it Rice-a-Roni. MEL-VIN!
- George Harrison: Hello, Homer. I'm George Harrison.
- Homer: Oh, my god. OH, MY GOD! Where did you get that brownie?
- George: Over there. There's a big pile of 'em
- Homer: (excited, gobbles some down) Oh, man!
- George: Well, what a nice fella!
- Apu: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.
- Nigel: Hmm. Never fit on a marquee, love. From now on, your name is Apu de Beaumarche.
- Apu: That is a great dishonor to my ancestors and God...but okay.
- [Homer addresses the crowd after finishing the B-Sharps New York performance]
- Homer: I'd like to introduce you all to a very special woman. She's 200 years old, 500 feet tall, and weighs 400...(winks) Tons.
- Man in Crowd: This gigantic woman will devour us all! YAAAAGH! (Jumps into River)
- Homer: I meant the statue.
- [Chief Wiggum shoots the TV]
- Sarah Wiggum: Clancy, use the remote.
- Abe: That's my son up there!
- Old Jewish Man: What, the balding fatass?
- Abe: Uh, no, the Hindu guy.
- Bart: [after looking at record sleeve] You wrote a song, dad?
- Homer: I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only eight years ago.
- Bart: Dad, I can't even remember what happened eight minutes ago. [everyone laughs] No, I can't. It's a serious problem!
- Homer: [laughs] Who cares?
- Bart: Oh boy! Free trading cards!
- Milhouse: Wow! Joseph of Arimathea! 26 conversions in A.D. 46.
- Nelson: Whoa, a Methuselah rookie card!
- Flanders: [chuckles] Well boys, who'd have thought learning about religion could be fun?
- Bart: Religion?
- Milhouse: Learning?
- Nelson: Let's get out of here!
- Homer: We were about to learn an iron law of show business; what goes up must come down.
- Lisa: What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over fifty years.
- Bart: So's Sinatra.
- Homer: Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of...
- Lisa: Dean Martin still packs 'em in.
- Bart: Ditto Tom Jones.
- Homer: Shut up!
- Bart: Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught-six, dagnabbit.
- Homer: Bart, what did I tell you?
- Bart: No talking like a grizzled 1890's prospector, consarn it.
- Lisa: Wow, an original Malibu Stacey from 1958! [sees the huge, pointed breasts] Oh...
- Man: Yeah, they took her off the market after some kid put both his eyes out.
- Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!
- David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
- Barney: You're a musician?
- Human Fly: Hello, Human Fly here! Come on, I spent all night dying my underwear.
- Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool.
- Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.
- Homer: Well, one of us made some money. I sold a guy our spare tire. (the tire blows out) D'oh!
- Reporter: I have a question for Apu du Beaumarchais. Isn't it true that you're really an Indian?
- Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.
- Reporter: Principal Skinner, you've been referred to as the funny one. Is that reputation justified?
- Principal Skinner: [seriously] Yes. Yes, it is.
- [Homer, Apu and Skinner, with stubble on their faces, are in the recording studio]
- Homer, Apu, Skinner: [singing off-key] For all the latest medical poop, Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. Poo poo pa-doop...
- Apu: This is worse than your song about Mr. T.
- Homer: I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?
- Principal Skinner: Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.
- [Barney and his girlfriend walk in, and Barney inserts a demo tape into a recorder]
- Barney: Barbershop is in danger of growing stale! I'm taking it to strange new places!
- [On the recorder]
- Barney's Girlfriend: Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches]
- Moe: Hey Barney, what'll it be?
- Barney: I'd like a beer, Moe!
- Barney's Girlfriend: I'd like a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat.
- Moe: Here you go!
- Ned: You know, Reverend, this really isn't a hymn.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Ned, there's an oil stain in the parking lot that looks just like St. Barnabas.
- Ned: Oh, my stars!
- Moe: Those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job.
- Nigel: I didn't pay any girls to scream.
- Moe: Huh?!
- Skinner: Only one question remains, gentlemen...what do we call ourselves?
- Nigel: How about, Handsome Homer Simpson Plus Three?
- Barney: I like it!
- Apu: Wait, I do not.
- Skinner: Er, um, we need a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it.
- Apu: How about, The Be Sharps?
- [Everyone laughs loud at first, then less, then the laughter tapers off]
- Skinner: Perfect!
- Homer: What'd you kids get?
- Bart: I bought this cool pencil holder.
- Homer: Heh heh, far out man. I haven't seen a bong in years.
- Marge: Homer, you're going to be famous!
- Homer: Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been.
- Marge: Hmm, have you seen Bart?
- Homer: Ehh, I stuck him somewhere. [scene shows Bart under a laundry basket, tapping a cup on it]
- Grampa: [singing] Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on this farm he had a chick, the swingingest' chick I know! With a wiggle wiggle here and a wiggle wiggle there.
- Homer: Get of the stage!
- Grampa: I want to, but I can't!
- Homer: Lisa, did you see the Grammys?
- Lisa: You beat Dexy's Midnight Runners.
- Homer: Well, you haven't heard the last of them.
- Lisa: Wow, look at all this Be Sharps merchandise. Lunch boxes... coffee mugs...funny foam...[squirts some on Homer]
- Homer: They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, but if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die. [looks over] Bart!
- Bart: [through a mouth full of foam] What?
- [Apu returns to work at the Kwik-E-Mart]
- Apu: It may not be glamorous, but it's good honest work.
- Customer: How much is this quart of milk?
- Apu: Twelve dollars.
- Homer: [when he comes back to work] Hey, fellows, I'm back!
- Carl: Oh, that's great. Your replacement was getting tired. [shot of a chicken in Homer's chair, pecking the controls] Hey, Queenie, you can go now!
- Homer: I'll give her a good home. [scene goes back to Bart and Lisa, centered on Homer's stomach] And I did.
- Bart: Man, that's some story!
- Lisa: But there are still a few things I don't get. Like, how come we never heard about this until today?
- Bart: Yeah, and what happened to the money you made?
- Lisa: Why haven't you hung up your gold records?
- Bart: Since when could you write a song?
- Homer: [laughs] There are perfectly good answers to those questions. But they'll have to wait for another night. Now off to bed!
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