Difference between revisions of "Cape Feare/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 02:13, November 25, 2018

Homer: Oh my god, someone's trying to kill me! Oh wait, it's for Bart.

Bart: Who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace.

[the family discusses who would want to kill Bart]

Abraham Simpson: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Gavin McLeod, or George "Goober" Lindsey.

Bart: Grampa, Matlock's not real.

Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob... if someone cuts it off and smooshes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

Milhouse: [to Bart] I checked around. The girls are calling you "Fatty Fat Fat Fat", and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants, but... nobody's trying to kill ya.

Chief Wiggum: I'd like to help you, ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.

Marge: I'm pretty sure there is.

Wiggum: Ha! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle...

Lou: [with a law book] Uh, hey, she's right, Chief.

Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for gambling purposes.

Lisa: Bart, I figured it out. Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years?

Bart: Linda Lavin?

Lisa: No, someone who didn't deserve it.

Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me "Chief Piggum".

Blue-haired lawyer: Robert, if released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?

Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson? Ha! The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hell hole?

Parole officer: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hell hole" when you could have said "peepee-soaked heck hole".

Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.

Blue-haired lawyer: But isn't it true that you have the words 'Die, Bart, Die' tattooed across your chest?

Sideshow Bob: Heavens No! That's German for 'the Bart, the'.

Official: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.

Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son!

Sideshow Bob: [menacing] Oh, I'll stay away from your son all right. Stay away... forever!

Homer: [scared] Oh no!

Bob: Wait a minute, that's no good.

[Bob grumbles to himself and starts to walk away, but then comes back]

Bob: Wait! I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again!

Marge: No!

Witness relocation man 1: Tell you what, sir, from now on you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hm?

[Homer nods]

Witness relocation man 1: When I say "Hello, Mr. Thompson", you'll say "Hi".

Homer: Check.

Witness relocation man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.

[Homer stares blankly and says nothing]

Witness relocation man 1: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.

Homer: I gotcha.

Witness relocation man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.

[Homer stares blankly again and says nothing. Time passes and everyone looks tired, as if they've been at this for quite a while]

Witness relocation man 1: [groans] Now, when I say "Hello, Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.

Homer: No problem.

Witness relocation man 1: [stepping repeatedly on Homer's foot] Hello, Mr. Thompson.

[Homer stares blankly at him then turns to the other agent]

Homer: [whispering loudly] I think he's talking to you.

Sideshow Bob: Hello Bart!

Bart: Mom, Dad!

Sideshow Bob: Your family can't help you now.

[The rest of the family, including Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II, are tied up]

Lisa: [seeing Homer asleep with some drool] Oh no! Dad's been drugged!

Marge: [annoyed] No, he hasn't!

Chief Wiggum: Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest!

Sideshow Bob: By Lucifer's beard!

Wiggum: Uh, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.

Bart: I knew I had to buy some time, so I asked him to sing the score from the "H.M.S. Pinafore".

Homer: Ooh. A plan fiendishly clever in its in-tric-acies.

Bart: Take him away, boys.

Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys.

Lou: What'd you say, chief?

Wiggum: Do what the kid says.