Difference between revisions of "And Maggie Makes Three/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 13:55, August 3, 2021

[Homer places Mr. Burns in a headlock and is parading him around the plant. He is playing the drums on Mr. Burns' head]

Lenny: Way to go, Homer!

Charlie: Isn't Burns going to get mad that we are not coming to his aid?

Carl: Nah, let Homer have his fun. Besides, he has got a good beat!

Mr. Burns: I ought to be defending myself, but I am paralyzed with rage...and soothing island rhythms.

[Springfield Hospital. Marge is in labor with her third child. Homer is not bothering to hide his sarcasm]

Homer: [sarcastic tone] Oh wow, here it comes. It is magical, it is wonderful. Another mouth.

Dr. Hibbert: One more push should do it.

Homer: Marvelous.

[A baby cries once, then again]

Dr. Hibbert: Congratulations, Mr. Simpson: you have a beautiful, healthy baby.

Homer: OK. [makes thumbs up sign]

[Maggie grabs the thumb with her tiny hand]

Homer: Huh?

Marge: Homey, I think someone is saying "Hello".

Homer: Hello. Aww, it's a boy... and what a boy!

Dr. Hibbert: Er, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.

Homer: A girl! Oh, Marge, we have a wonderful baby girl. Not just a girl—the most beautiful baby girl in the whole world.

Marge: [sighs]

Homer: Come on, Marge, show a little enthusiasm.

[They kiss; Maggie shapes her lips like a kiss, then grabs a pacifier and sucks it]

Announcer: We now return to "Knightboat: the Crime-Solving Boat".

Michael: Faster, Knightboat! We gotta catch those starfish poachers.

Knightboat: You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you.

Michael: Oh, no! They're headed for land. We'll never catch them now.

Knightboat: Incorrect: look! A canal.

Homer: Go, Knightboat, go!

Bart: Oh, every week there's a canal.

Lisa: Or an inlet.

Bart: Or a fjord.

Homer: Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat.

Marge: OK, TV off. It's family time.

Homer: Oh, but Marge! Knightboat, the crime-solving boat.

Marge: Homer, you promised. One night of family time a week. Besides, that backtalking boat sets a bad example.

Bart: Says you, woman.

Carl: Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell.

Homer: Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.

Chief Wiggum: [driving by] Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.

Homer: Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.

Apu: Oh, Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir!

Homer: It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.

Moe: Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant! Haha...

Homer: This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.

[Homer enters the house]

Homer: Hey, wait a minute... What are all these presents? It looks like you're showering Marge with gifts... hmm... With little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub.

Maude: By the way, congratulations on the new job, Homer.

Homer: New job? Marge is pregnant!? Nooooooooo! Aahhhhhhh!

Lisa: Why don't we all look at the photo album?

Homer: So many memories. Aw, look... Knightboat.

Bart & Lisa: Aww...

Homer: And here's our TV next to the mirror! It looks like we have two.

Bart & Lisa: Wow, two!

Marge: Yeah, yeah, yeah, two. Let's get to the baby pictures.

Bart & Lisa: Aw, Mom!

Lisa: Why aren't there any pictures of Maggie?

Homer: Well I'm glad you asked. It's actually a very interesting story.

[Bart & Lisa groan.]

Homer: It all began about two years ago before Maggie was even born... Bart, you were Lisa's age and Lisa, you were... the age Bart was several years ago.

Marge: [looking at the photo album] Here's Bart sleeping. Here he is dozing... here he is after a visit from the sandman. Ooh, here's nappy time, Bart! Here's a cute one: he's all tuckered out.

Marge: So in a few months, both of you will have a brand new brother or sister.

Bart: Been there, done that.

Lisa: I hope it's a girl.

Bart: You know nothing about genetics, Lis; it goes boy, girl, boy, girl.

Lisa: You're worried about telling Dad, aren't you, Mom?

Marge: Why do you say that?

Lisa: Well you've been in my room for about four hours now.

Marge: Hey, I'm just hanging.

Lisa: So, Dad, were you excited that Mom was pregnant?

Homer: Actually, your mother hadn't told me. At that time I had no idea Maggie even existed. [he goes to sit down, right where Maggie is]

Bart & Lisa: Dad! [Marge grabs Maggie]

Homer: Hi Maggie!

Homer: Oh, I hope I haven't upset you... bongo-head! [starts playing the bongos on Burns' head]

Mr. Burns: Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

[Homer drives through the plant and everyone cheers as Homer continues playing.]

Carl: Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer!

Lenny: He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.

Lenny: But Homer, how are you going to make a living?

Homer: Don't worry about Homer J. I've got a plan. A plan that'll fix you good!

Carl: Hey, what did we do?

Homer: Sorry, that just slipped out. [Hugs them] I'll miss you.

Bart: You're a pin-monkey? Wow! Finally I don't have to be ashamed of my father's job.

Lisa: I think it's romantic, throwing off the shackles of the workaday world and following a dream... of sorts.

Marge: I don't know if it's such a good idea. Can we get by on a pin-monkey's salary?

Homer: Don't worry, Marge, I've come up with a perfectly balanced budget. There will be exactly enough money for you, me, Bart, and Lisa, if we make a few small sacrifices.

Marge: Uh huh...

Homer: From now on, we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind.

[Bart punches the wall.]

Homer: And only one of you kids can go to college.

Bart & Lisa: Fine.

Homer: Marge...

Marge: Homer...

Homer: [talking sly] I've got sand in my underpants.

Marge: Me too. Let's go home.

[They leave; Homer runs back quickly to scoop more sand into his pants.]

Dr. Hibbert: Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson: you're pregnant.

Marge: Mmm...

Dr. Hibbert: Am I to take it that this is [chuckles] an unwanted pregnancy?

Marge: Oh, no, no, not exactly. It's just that I haven't told Homer yet, and with his new job, I don't know how we're going to be able to afford this.

Dr. Hibbert: Well, you know a healthy baby can bring upwards of $60,000.

Marge: What?!

Dr. Hibbert: Well, of course, that was just a test. Er, had you reacted differently, you'd be in jail right now. Simply a test. [laughs uncomfortably]

Marge: Homey, I...

Homer: Can't talk, praying. Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me and I am thankful. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is.

Marge: Mmm.

Homer: So here's the deal: you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. [brief pause] OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, please give me no sign. [brief pause] Thy will be done!

Bart: Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl?

Homer: Oh, just that one time.

Marge: Actually, when I was about to have Bart...

Homer: [in flashback] You're pregnant?! [pulls hair, screams]

Marge: [in the present] And then when I told him about Lisa...

Homer: [in flashback] You're pregnant again?! [pulls hair, screams, runs off]

Homer: Thanks for giving me my old job back.

Mr. Burns: I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.

Smithers: Uh, sir, that's the plaque.

Mr. Burns: Ah yes, the special demotivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. Because, you see, you're here forever.

[Smithers screws a "Don't forget: you're here forever" plaque into the wall.]

Burns: Don't forget: you're here forever!