Difference between revisions of "User:Abbot/test"

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{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)|Radioactive Man}}
+
{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Summer of 4 Ft. 2|You Only Move Twice}}
  
−
:'''Willie:''' It's impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingerrrs. Look at 'em! ''[holds them up]'' I got it from ''{{w|Space Invaders}}'' in 1977.
+
:''(Talking to Lisa in "The Genesis Tub")''
−
:'''Wiggum:''' Aw, yeah. That was a pretty addictive video game.
+
:'''[[Bart]]''': Hey what is this goo? Are you trying to build a friend?
−
:'''Willie:''' ''[surprised]'' Video game?
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Kent Brockman''': Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. [scene shows Burns being loaded into an ambulance] At 3:00 p.m. Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at town hall. [still shots of Burns and town hall] Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. ''[scene shows Marvin Monroe Memorial Hospital]'' He was then transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to "alive". ''[scene shows Springfield General Hospital]'' Now let's talk to Police Chief Wiggum.
+
:''(From "The Genesis Tub")''
−
:'''Wiggum:''' ''[eating an ice cream]'' Oh. Oh, hiya, Kent. Ahem. Uh, right now, we are questioning two witnesses who were in the vicinity at the time.
+
:'''[[Principal Skinner]]''': This mini universe you've created is even more impressive then Martin's milk carton ukulele.
−
''[scene shows Lou holding a photo of Smithers at someone]''
+
:''(Shot of Martin in the background in a grass skirt playing the ukulele.)''
−
:'''Lou:''' Did you see this guy? Was he anywhere near the parking lot when Burns got shot?
 
−
''[camera shows Maggie and SLH being questioned]''
 
−
:'''Eddie:''' No, it's no use. They ain't talking.
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Lisa:''' Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns, even us. ''[everyone groans in agreement]'' Bart, he broke your dog's legs. Grampa, he destroyed your home. And Dad—well, you kind of went berserk when he couldn't remember your name.
+
:''(From "The Thing and I")''
−
:'''Bart:''' Aren't we forgetting someone...Sister Suspect?
+
:'''[[Dr. Hibbert]]''': That means the evil twin is and always has been...Bart.
−
:'''Lisa:''' ''[chuckling sheepishly]'' I was just getting to me. Because of Mr. Burns, they canceled my jazz program, and my friend Tito Puente got fired...but I could never shoot someone.
+
:''(They all turn around and stare at Bart.)''
−
:'''Bart:''' Could so.
+
:'''Bart''': Oh, don't look so shocked.
−
:'''Lisa:''' Could not.
 
−
:'''Bart:''' Could so.
 
−
:'''Lisa:''' Could not.
 
−
:'''Bart:''' Could so!
 
−
:'''Lisa:''' Could not!
 
−
:'''Homer:''' ''[interrupting]'' Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.
 
−
:'''Marge:''' The police already have a suspect: it's Mr. Smithers.
 
−
''[everyone talks about how plausible that is]''
 
−
:'''Abe:''' Yeah, Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse. ''[leaves]''
 
−
:'''Lisa:''' We don't have an outhouse.
 
−
:'''Homer:''' ''[gasps]'' My toolshed! Oh, Dad...
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Moe:''' Hey, Homer: us hotheads here is going to go tear down Burns' sun-blocking machine. You want to come with?
+
:'''[[Kodos]]''': (as Clinton) We must go forward, not backward. Upward, not forward. And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.
−
:'''Homer:''' Sure. I've had it up to here with these damn rickets! ''[waddles toward tow truck]''
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Smithers:''' Mmm...this guilt is driving me mad! I've got to tell someone. ''[walks into a church and goes to the confession booth]'' Father, I'm not a Catholic, but...well, I tried to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade. But anyway, I've got a...rather large sin to confess. ''[sniffles]'' I'm the one who...shot Mr. Burns!
+
:'''Kodos''': It's a two party system! You have to vote for one of us!
−
:'''Wiggum:''' [pokes head out, cocks gun] That's all I needed to hear! Boy, this thing works great.
+
:'''Man''': He's right, this is a two-party system.
 +
:'''Man 2''': Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate.
 +
:'''Kang''': Go ahead, throw your vote away.
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Smithers:''' The man became consumed by greed. He'd steal from anyone!
+
:'''[[Homer]]''': Ah… The old fishin' hole. So peaceful and relaxing, doesn't even matter if I catch a single fish… come on, you stupid fish! Take the bait! Don't make me come down there!!!
−
''[flashback to first part]''
 
−
:'''Smithers:''' This isn't a rival company you're battling with, it's a school. People won't stand for it.
 
−
:'''Burns:''' Pish posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby! Say, that sounds like a larf.
 
−
''[back to the current time]''
 
−
:'''Smithers:''' And when he tried to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Shutton:''' Uh, Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper. Who are you? Where are you going?
+
:'''Leader''': Welcome to our world, most gracious Lisa.
−
:'''Kent:''' Oh, do your research, Shutton! Uh, Kent Brockman, Channel Six News. How does it feel to be accused of the attempted murder of your boss and mentor?
+
:'''[[Lisa]]''': Your world is incredible. And you speak English.
−
:'''Smithers:''' Kent, I...I feel about as low as Madonna when she found out she missed Tailhook.
+
:'''Leader''': We have listened to you speak since the dawn of time, O Creator. And we have learned to imatoot you exarktly.
−
:'''Kent:''' Oh. I'm going to say "Ouch" for Madonna!
 
−
:'''Krusty:''' ''[watching on TV]'' Hey! That's my Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag!
 
−
:'''Sideshow Mel:''' And you stole it from last Friday's episode of "Pardon My Zinger".
 
−
:'''Krusty:''' Stole, made up, what's the difference?
 
−
:'''Sideshow Mel:''' Mr. Smithers must have seen that program too! He never misses it. ''[puffs pipe]'' Hmm...at the town meeting, he mentioned that he watched Comedy Central. I made sure to note that, as it seemed quite unusual. Ye Gods! To the police station, Krusty.
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Sideshow Mel:''' I am Melvin van Horne. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky.
+
:'''Homer''': We think we saw Hugo at the airport; he was boarding a plane to Switzerland and… (sees Hugo) Oh.
−
:'''Krusty:''' Hey hey.
 
−
:'''Sideshow Mel:''' Officers: you have arrested an innocent man.
 
−
:'''Wiggum:''' Really?
 
−
:'''Sideshow Mel:''' Mr. Burns was shot Friday at 3 p.m., the very time that Smithers was at home watching "Pardon My Zinger". So you see, he couldn't have done it.
 
−
:'''Smithers:''' ''[gasps]'' Yes, you're right! I remember now, I watched that entire show. In fact
 
−
''[flash to shot of Smithers's feet weaving down sidewalk]''
 
−
:'''Smithers:''' ''[voice-over]'' I left the town meeting early so I could get home in time. ''[in a flashback]'' ''[slurred]'' Ohh, I've got to run or I'll miss the opening rank-out. [a shadow approaches in front] Get of my way, please.
 
−
:'''Jasper:''' Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walking, not for fancy walking.
 
−
:'''Smithers:''' Get out of my way, I'm in a hurry.
 
−
:'''Jasper:''' You simmer down, I'll let you go. ''[Smithers pulls a gun, shoots]''
 
−
''[back to the current time]''
 
−
:'''Smithers:''' So...instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse!
 
−
:'''Krusty:''' About 50,000 volts worse, if you know what I mean! ''[makes electrocuting sound effects]''
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Jasper:''' You shot who in the what, now?
+
:'''Lisa''': What's up there?
 +
:'''Bart''': Is it a monster?
 +
:'''Lisa''': We have to know.
 +
:'''Bart''': Tell us what's the secret.
 +
:'''Homer''': No more questions. I work my butt off to feed you four kids and all you do is--
 +
:''(Marge stares at Homer.)''
 +
:'''Homer''': What?
 +
:'''[[Marge]]''': Three, we have three children!
 +
:'''Homer''': Yeah, three nosy kids. And you know what happens to nosy kids who ask too many questions?
 +
:'''Bart/Lisa''': (talking quickly) No, what? Does something happen? Does something happen to nosy kids who ask questions? What happens?
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Kent Brockman:''' And with the prime suspect cleared and found completely innocent, we must now ask ourselves: who could possibly be as bloodthirsty as Waylon Smithers?
+
:'''Kent''': Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton?
−
:'''Marge:''' I guess it's never the most likely suspect.
+
:'''Kang''': (as Dole) It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed. DOOMED!
−
:'''Lisa:''' Actually, Mom, in 95% of cases, it is. The rest of the time, it's usually some deranged lunatic who did it for no reason.
+
:'''[[Kent]]''': Well, a refreshingly frank response there from senator Bob Dole.
−
''[everyone looks at Homer]''
 
−
:'''Homer:''' Hey! I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name.
 
−
''[flashback to part one]''
 
−
:'''Burns:''' Who the devil are you?
 
−
:'''Homer:''' ''[loses it, rushes Burns]'' Homer Simpson!
 
−
:'''Burns:''' You're just babbling incoherently.
 
−
:'''Homer:''' My name is Homer Simpson...
 
−
''[back to the current time]''
 
−
:'''Lisa:''' Well I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder.
 
−
:'''Abe:''' Eh...you never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong.
 
−
:'''Lisa:''' Nancy Drew says that all you need to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an
 
−
inquisitive temperament. Maybe I could help solve this.
 
−
:'''Marge:''' Mmmmm...I think you're a little young to be investigating an attempted murder. Why don't you try to solve the mystery of who put that mud in the freezer?
 
−
:'''Bart:''' Who wants chocolate ice cream?
 
−
:'''Homer:''' Me, me, me!
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Wiggum:''' OK, boys, we've got a clue: the bullet they took out of Burns. Now, let's discuss the, um...''[picks up an Agatha Christie book]'' mo-tive.
+
:'''Homer''': Oh my God, space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!
−
:'''Lisa:''' Mr. Burns is the richest man in town. Maybe it's about money.
 
−
:'''Wiggum:''' That's some good thinkin', Lou.
 
−
:'''Lou:''' Aw, thanks, Chief.
 
−
:'''Lisa:''' ''[below desk level]'' Hey! I said that. My name is Lisa Simpson and I made a chart of all the suspects in the Burns case. Look! [holds up a card] Mr. Burns hurt all these people financially. Nightclub owner Moe Szyslak: his bar was closed because of Burns' negligence. Liquor connoisseur Barney Gumbel: when Moe's closed, Barney lost his only means of support—sucking coins out of the Love Tester machine. Dedicated educator Principal Seymour Skinner: his school lost millions when Burns pirated its oil well. And grounds tender Groundskeeper Willy: he lost his job and his dream of owning a fine crystal slop bucket.
 
−
:'''Wiggum:''' Hey, what about that jazz teacher that got laid off? You know, uh, Mr. Samba? Senor Mambo? What was it?
 
−
:'''Lisa:''' Tito Puente?
 
−
:'''Wiggum:''' Yeah.
 
−
:'''Lisa:''' Well, he did vow revenge, heh heh. [pause] But I can't see him doing something illegal. He's in show business, he's a celebrity....
 
−
:'''Wiggum:''' Let's roll, boys.
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Tito:''' Revenge? Of course. But why wound his body with bullets when I could set his soul afire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge: uno, dos, tres!
+
:'''Bart''': Your micro-jerks attacked me!
−
''[band starts playing salsa music]''
+
:'''Lisa''': Well, you practically destroyed their whole world.
−
:'''Singer:''' Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song. Burns will always carry with him. ''[shot of Wiggum, Eddie, and Lou bobbing to the beat]'' So I'll settle my score on the salsa floor. With this vengeful Latin rhythm. ''[shots of chef with tray of clams opening their mouths in rhythm and man at condom machine buying many condoms]''
+
:'''Bart''': You can't protect them every second. Sooner or later, you'll let your guard down, and then flush! It's toilet time for Tinytown!
−
:'''Chorus:''' Burns! ''[trumpet riff]''
 
−
:'''Singer:''' Con un corazon de perro.
 
−
:'''Chorus:''' Senor Burns! ''[trumpet riff]''
 
−
:'''Singer:''' El diablo con dinero. ''[mambo riff]'' It may not surprise you, but all of us despise you. Please die, and fry in hell. You rotten rich old wretch. Adios viejo! ''[trumpet riff; end of song]''
 
−
:'''Wiggum:''' ''[clapping]'' Yeah! OK, OK, I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all our suspects are this much fun.
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Skinner:''' I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. When it adjourned, I rushed to the lavatory to apply my camouflage makeup --
+
:'''Lisa''': Oh my God! I've created life!
−
''[flashback to Skinner in washroom]''
+
:'''Marge''': (from downstairs) Lisa, breakfast! We're having waffles!
−
:'''Skinner:''' ''[with eyeshadow and lipstick on]'' Blast! I took Mother's makeup kit by mistake.
+
:'''Lisa''': Ooh, waffles.
−
:'''Chalmers:''' ''[walking in]'' Ooh, er, excuse me, ma'am.
 
−
:'''Skinner:''' ''[gasps]'' Superintendent Chalmers!
 
−
:'''Chalmers:''' ''[slowly]'' Oh my God... ''[a shot sounds outside]''
 
−
''[back to the current time]''
 
−
:'''Wiggum:''' So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?
 
−
:'''Skinner:''' Oh, yes. But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Eddie:''' Did you hold a grudge against Mr. Burns?
+
:'''Bart''': You're crazy!
−
:'''Moe:''' No!
+
:'''[[Hugo]]''': Am I? Well, perhaps we're all a little crazy. I know I am. I went mad after they tore us apart, but I'll be sane… once I sew us back together.
−
''[The lie detector buzzes, indicating a lie.]''
+
:'''Bart''': But you'll kill both of us.
−
:'''Moe:''' Okay, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him!
+
:'''Hugo''': No, it's easy. Look, I've been practicing: I made a pigeon-rat.
−
''[The lie detector dings, indicating the truth.]''
 
−
:'''Eddie:''' Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
 
−
:'''Moe:''' Good, 'cause I've got a hot date tonight! ''[buzz]'' Odd date. ''[buzz]'' Dinner with friends. ''[buzz]'' Dinner alone. ''[buzz]'' Watching TV alone. ''[buzz]'' Alright! I'm just going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog! ''[buzz]'' Sears catalog. ''[ding]'' Now, would you unhook this already, please?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! ''[buzz]''
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Marge:''' Grampa, I found your cigar box dug up in the backyard, but the gun wasn't in there. Have you seen it?
+
:'''Bart''': Did you guys hear something moving around in the attic last night?
−
:'''Grampa:''' You accuse me of everything around here! "Who put slippers in the dishwasher?" "Who threw a cane at the TV?" "Who fell into the china hutch?"
+
:'''Homer''': Attic? Oh, that's silly. Seriously though, don't ever go up there.
−
:'''Marge:''' I was just asking if you've seen it. There's no need for you to be a prickly pear. ''[Walks away]''
 
−
:'''Grampa:''' ''[Holds up gun and strokes it]'' Oh, your the bee's knees, baby. I missed you bad.
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Lisa:''' ''[slowly, in Chief Wiggum's dream]'' Chief… Wiggum… Don't… Eat … The clues…
+
:'''Kang''': (as Dole) Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected.
−
''[Chief Wiggum finds a flaming card, while Lisa holds up another flaming card.]''
+
:'''[[Kodos]]''': (as Clinton) Yes. All they want to hear are bland pleasantries embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss.
−
:'''Lisa:''' ''[slowly]'' This suit burns better… Look!
 
−
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' What?
 
−
:'''Lisa:''' ''[slowly, holding the card closer]'' Better… Look! Burns' suit…
 
−
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' I'm not following you.
 
−
:'''Lisa:''' ''[slowly]'' Burns' suit! Burns' suit!
 
−
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' Huh?
 
−
:'''Lisa:''' ''[normal voice]'' Look at Burns' suit! Geesh!
 
−
''[Eddie wakes Chief Wiggum up from his dream.]''
 
−
:'''Eddie:''' Hey, Chief. I have an idea. Why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he was shot?
 
−
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' Did you have the same dream with backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards?
 
−
:'''Eddie:''' ''[hastily]'' I'll drive.
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''DNA Guy:''' Ooh, nice eyelash. Yours?
+
:'''Kang''': (as Bob Dole) Abortions for all!
−
:'''Wiggum:''' No. We need to find out who it belonged to. We want a DNA test.
+
:''(Crowd boos)''
−
:'''DNA Guy:''' Ooh, ooh, ee, ooh, ooh, that takes, uh, 8 to 10 weeks.
+
:'''Kang''': Very well, no abortions for anyone!
−
:'''Wiggum:''' ''[sighs, hands him a carton of cigarettes]''
+
:''(Crowd boos again)''
−
:'''DNA Guy:''' Did I say weeks? 'Cause I meant seconds. ''[runs over to another machine, grabs a card from it; puts it in a computer]''
+
:''Kang: Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!''
−
:'''Wiggum:''' What do you got, the whole town's DNA on file?
+
:''(Crowd cheers and waves miniature flags.)''
−
:'''DNA guy:''' Y'uh huh. If you've ever handled a penny, the government's got your DNA. Why do you think they keep 'em in circulation?
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Mr. Burns:''' ''[wakes up]'' Homer Simpson!
+
:'''Homer''': Oh, no! Aliens, bio-duplication, nude conspiracies! Oh my God! Lyndon LaRouche was right!
−
:'''Eddie:''' Bingo! The gunman has a name-o!
 
 
----
 
----
−
''[The police barge into the Simpson home.]''
+
:'''Homer''': (Gulps) I suppose you want to probe me. Well, might as well get it over with. (Starts to unzip his pants)
−
:'''Lisa:''' Hey! Chief Wiggum! What's going on? What are you doing?
+
:'''Kang''': Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.
−
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' Sorry, kid. We found Simpson DNA on Mr. Burns' suit, and your father was identified by the old man himself.
 
−
''[The Simpsons all gasp.]''
 
−
:'''Bart:''' ''[Scoffing]'' DNA, positive ID. Those won't hold up in any court. Run, Dad!
 
−
''[Bart pushes Homer towards the door.]''
 
−
:'''Lou:''' ''[Holds up a gun]'' Hey, Chief! Look what I found underneath Homer Simpson's car seat.
 
−
''[Lou and Eddie check the gun for fingerprints.]''
 
−
:'''Homer:''' I swear! I've never seen that gun before!
 
−
:'''Eddie:''' Oh, really? Then why are your fingerprints on it, sir?
 
−
''[Eddie holds up Homer's glass, which has the same fingerprints as the gun.]''
 
−
:'''Homer:''' Aaah!
 
−
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' ''[Pulls out a bullet from the gun.]'' This bullet matches the one we took out of Burns! Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
 
−
''[Chief Wiggum handcuffs Homer]''
 
−
:'''Homer:''' D'oh!
 
−
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say, "D'oh."
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Wiggum:''' We need two cups of coffee, and two orders of bite-sized breakfast pancakes. With extra dipping sauce.
+
:'''Lisa''': Wait, one of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral. (Gasps) I've created Lutherans!
−
:'''Kid:''' Please pull up to the service window, please.
 
−
:'''Wiggum:''' ''[tries]'' The wagon's too tall! Oh, I don't want to have to get out. Ehh, I'll just drive up on the curb. ''[does so, leans out window to grab order; van starts tipping]''
 
−
:'''Wiggum:''' Almost got it...
 
−
:'''Lou:''' Drop the food, chief! ''[van falls over; back door opens and Homer stands up]'' ''[Jasper pulls up in an old car]''
 
−
:'''Jasper:''' ''[honks]'' Damn fools! Drive-thru's not for a-parking. [floors it, then skids to halt, pushing the van out forward ''[Homer hobbles in front of it, trying to avoid it]''
 
−
:'''Kid:''' Diane? I'm going to take my break now.
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Dr. Nick:''' Hi Everybody!
+
:'''Lisa''': Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol, and Chinese food. But I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone!
−
:'''Mr. Burns:''' Ho...mer...Simp...son!
 
−
:'''Dr. Nick:''' Okay... That was a little strange... Umm... Tell me, how are you feeling today?
 
−
:'''Mr. Burns:''' Homer... Simpson, Homer... D'oh... Simpson.
 
−
:'''Dr. Nick:''' Hmm... That seems to be all you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Marge:''' The police have such a strong case against Homer! Mr. Burns said he did it, they found his DNA on Mr. Burns' suit.
+
:'''Homer''': We'll search out every place a sick twisted solitary misfit might run to.
−
:'''Lisa:''' They have Simpson DNA; it could have come from any of us! Well, except you, since you're a Bouvier.
+
:'''Lisa''': I'll start with Radio Shack.
−
:'''Marge:''' No! No, no. When I took your father's name I took everything that came with it, including DNA!
 
−
:'''Lisa:''' Um...''[rolls her eyes]'' Okay, Mom. But like I'm saying, the evidence isn't as concrete as it seems. Like those fingerprints; they could have gotten on the gun some other way.
 
−
''[flashback to Lisa in the car with Homer]''
 
−
:'''Lisa:''' Are you sure you don't want me to hold one of your ice cream cones?
 
−
:'''Homer:''' ''[driving with his knees]'' Pfft. Yeah, right. You chose fruit, you live with fruit. ''[one scoop falls out of the cone]'' D'oh! ''[reaches under seat]'' ''[touches Pipin Hot Bread 8-track]'' No... ''[touches pineapple air freshener]'' No... ''[touches gun]'' No... ''[touches lollipop]'' Ew! Why is this on the floor ''[puts it in his pocket]''
 
−
''[back to current time]''
 
−
:'''Lisa:''' And we don't even know whose gun that was! Maybe somebody planted it there to frame Dad.
 
−
:'''Marge:''' No, we can't start thinking that way about our own family members. Suspicion could tear us apart.
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Wiggum:''' Here is a photo of the fugitive from our files. ''[holds up picture of Homer in a "Haig in '88" T-shirt]'' And now, Waylon Smithers, uh, who's been a real good sport about that wrongful arrest thing—whew! Heh--- has a, er, statement that he would like to make. Waylon?
+
:'''Dr. Hibbert''': But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. So, we did the only humane thing.
−
:'''Smithers:''' Thank you. As Montgomery Burns' closest friend, I am certain there's nothing he would want more than swift, brutal revenge against Homer Simpson. Therefore I am offering a $50,000 reward for his capture—dead or alive. ''[everyone bustles off]''
+
:'''Homer''': We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.
−
:'''Wiggum:''' Oh, wow. Me first! Me first!
+
:'''Marge''': It's saved our marriage.
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Burns:''' Homer Simpson?
+
:'''Lisa''': (Upon waking up and seeing her tooth.) Mold! That's science project paydirt!
−
:'''Homer:''' So, you finally learned my name, eh?
 
−
:'''Burns:''' ''[shaking head]'' Homer Simpson.
 
−
:'''Homer:''' I've got no time for your demented parlor games. You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you. ''[reaches to strangle Burns]''
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Apu:''' Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass.
+
:''(From The Thing and I)''
 +
:'''Dr. Hibbert''': You never forget the birth of Siamese twins!
 +
:'''Lisa''': I believe they prefer to be called "Conjoined twins."
 +
:'''Dr. Hibbert''': And hillbillies want to be called "Sons of the Soil," but it ain't gonna happen. (Laughs)
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Lisa:''' Stop! Don't shoot my Dad. He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly! ''[they open the door]''
+
:'''Kodos''': (as Clinton) I am Clin-ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal command. End communication. (crosses arms)
−
:'''Burns:''' ''[being strangled and shaken]'' Ho-mer Simp-son! Ho-mer Simp-son!
 
−
:'''Homer:''' Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me.
 
−
:'''Burns:''' ''[grunting]'' What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me?
 
−
:'''Homer:''' ''[loses it]'' D'ohhh! [grabs a gun, cocks it as Burns' head] Say it, Burns say I never shot you! Before.
 
−
:'''Burns:''' Shot? [chuckles] By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was--''[looks around, sees his assailant]'' Aah! Aah! Aah! M-Maggie Simpson!
 
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Burns:''' Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.
+
:'''Homer''': What are you spraying me with?
 +
:'''Kang''': Rum! So no one will believe your story.
 
----
 
----
−
:'''Mr. Burns:''' ''[telling what happened after he got shot]'' Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid, but finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I immediately gave up hope, and I collapsed onto the sundial.
+
:'''Clinton Aide''': (closely resembling George Stephanopoulos) People are becoming a bit confused by the way you and your opponent are… well… constantly holding hands.
−
:'''Lisa:''' Then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S. Or, from your point of view, M and S: Maggie Simpson.
+
:'''Kang''': (as Dole) We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.
−
:'''Mr. Burns:''' What? No! With my last ounce of strength, I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have such sticky fingers.
 
−
:'''Marge:''' Well, I'm just glad you're back to full health and we can all get back to our everyday lives. And if Maggie could talk, I'm sure she'd apologize…
 
−
:'''Mr. Burns:''' I'm afraid that's insufficient! ''[to Chief Wiggum]'' Officer, arrest the baby!
 
−
:'''Chief Wiggum:''' ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, right, pops! No jury in the world's ever going to convict a baby. ''[thinks to himself]'' Maybe Texas…
 
−
:'''Marge:''' Besides, she didn't mean it; it was an accident.
 
−
''[Maggie looks around in the room and sucks on her pacifier, which sound like muffled gunshots.]''
 
 
----
 
----
−
{{Season 7|Q}}
+
:'''Marge''': (on phone, gravely) Yes, Doctor, it's what we've always feared -- it's loose. Hugo is loose. (cheerfully) See you soon!
−
<!-- Abbot copied article "Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)/Quotes" here -->
+
----
 +
:'''[[Bob Dole]]''': (captive on the alien saucer) I am so mad at the Secret Service right now.
 +
----
 +
:''(From "The Genesis Tub")''
 +
:'''Lisa''': Oh, great. I'm stuck in this lousy tub for the rest of my life.
 +
:''(People stare at her)''
 +
:'''Lisa''': Shouldn't you people be groveling?
 +
:''(Everyone starts groveling)''
 +
:'''Lisa''': And bring me some shoes. Nice ones.
 +
:'''Man''': She'll want socks, too. I'll get socks.
 +
 
 +
----
 +
 
 +
:'''Homer''': Don't blame me. ''I'' voted for Kodos.
 +
 
 +
{{Season 8|Q}}
 +
<!-- Abbot copied article "Treehouse of Horror VII/Quotes" here -->

Revision as of 07:02, October 23, 2018


Season Episode Quotes
← 153 "Summer of 4 Ft. 2"

"Abbot"
"You Only Move Twice" 155 →


(Talking to Lisa in "The Genesis Tub")
Bart: Hey what is this goo? Are you trying to build a friend?
(From "The Genesis Tub")
Principal Skinner: This mini universe you've created is even more impressive then Martin's milk carton ukulele.
(Shot of Martin in the background in a grass skirt playing the ukulele.)
(From "The Thing and I")
Dr. Hibbert: That means the evil twin is and always has been...Bart.
(They all turn around and stare at Bart.)
Bart: Oh, don't look so shocked.
Kodos: (as Clinton) We must go forward, not backward. Upward, not forward. And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.
Kodos: It's a two party system! You have to vote for one of us!
Man: He's right, this is a two-party system.
Man 2: Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate.
Kang: Go ahead, throw your vote away.
Homer: Ah… The old fishin' hole. So peaceful and relaxing, doesn't even matter if I catch a single fish… come on, you stupid fish! Take the bait! Don't make me come down there!!!
Leader: Welcome to our world, most gracious Lisa.
Lisa: Your world is incredible. And you speak English.
Leader: We have listened to you speak since the dawn of time, O Creator. And we have learned to imatoot you exarktly.
Homer: We think we saw Hugo at the airport; he was boarding a plane to Switzerland and… (sees Hugo) Oh.
Lisa: What's up there?
Bart: Is it a monster?
Lisa: We have to know.
Bart: Tell us what's the secret.
Homer: No more questions. I work my butt off to feed you four kids and all you do is--
(Marge stares at Homer.)
Homer: What?
Marge: Three, we have three children!
Homer: Yeah, three nosy kids. And you know what happens to nosy kids who ask too many questions?
Bart/Lisa: (talking quickly) No, what? Does something happen? Does something happen to nosy kids who ask questions? What happens?
Kent: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton?
Kang: (as Dole) It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed. DOOMED!
Kent: Well, a refreshingly frank response there from senator Bob Dole.
Homer: Oh my God, space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!
Bart: Your micro-jerks attacked me!
Lisa: Well, you practically destroyed their whole world.
Bart: You can't protect them every second. Sooner or later, you'll let your guard down, and then flush! It's toilet time for Tinytown!
Lisa: Oh my God! I've created life!
Marge: (from downstairs) Lisa, breakfast! We're having waffles!
Lisa: Ooh, waffles.
Bart: You're crazy!
Hugo: Am I? Well, perhaps we're all a little crazy. I know I am. I went mad after they tore us apart, but I'll be sane… once I sew us back together.
Bart: But you'll kill both of us.
Hugo: No, it's easy. Look, I've been practicing: I made a pigeon-rat.
Bart: Did you guys hear something moving around in the attic last night?
Homer: Attic? Oh, that's silly. Seriously though, don't ever go up there.
Kang: (as Dole) Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected.
Kodos: (as Clinton) Yes. All they want to hear are bland pleasantries embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss.
Kang: (as Bob Dole) Abortions for all!
(Crowd boos)
Kang: Very well, no abortions for anyone!
(Crowd boos again)
Kang: Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!
(Crowd cheers and waves miniature flags.)
Homer: Oh, no! Aliens, bio-duplication, nude conspiracies! Oh my God! Lyndon LaRouche was right!
Homer: (Gulps) I suppose you want to probe me. Well, might as well get it over with. (Starts to unzip his pants)
Kang: Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.
Lisa: Wait, one of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral. (Gasps) I've created Lutherans!
Lisa: Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol, and Chinese food. But I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone!
Homer: We'll search out every place a sick twisted solitary misfit might run to.
Lisa: I'll start with Radio Shack.
Dr. Hibbert: But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. So, we did the only humane thing.
Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.
Marge: It's saved our marriage.
Lisa: (Upon waking up and seeing her tooth.) Mold! That's science project paydirt!
(From The Thing and I)
Dr. Hibbert: You never forget the birth of Siamese twins!
Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called "Conjoined twins."
Dr. Hibbert: And hillbillies want to be called "Sons of the Soil," but it ain't gonna happen. (Laughs)
Kodos: (as Clinton) I am Clin-ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal command. End communication. (crosses arms)
Homer: What are you spraying me with?
Kang: Rum! So no one will believe your story.
Clinton Aide: (closely resembling George Stephanopoulos) People are becoming a bit confused by the way you and your opponent are… well… constantly holding hands.
Kang: (as Dole) We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.
Marge: (on phone, gravely) Yes, Doctor, it's what we've always feared -- it's loose. Hugo is loose. (cheerfully) See you soon!
Bob Dole: (captive on the alien saucer) I am so mad at the Secret Service right now.
(From "The Genesis Tub")
Lisa: Oh, great. I'm stuck in this lousy tub for the rest of my life.
(People stare at her)
Lisa: Shouldn't you people be groveling?
(Everyone starts groveling)
Lisa: And bring me some shoes. Nice ones.
Man: She'll want socks, too. I'll get socks.
Homer: Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos.
Season 8 Quotes
Treehouse of Horror VII • You Only Move Twice • The Homer They Fall • Burns, Baby Burns • Bart After Dark • A Milhouse Divided • Lisa's Date with Density • Hurricane Neddy • El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer • The Springfield Files • The Twisted World of Marge Simpson • Mountain of Madness • Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious • The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show • Homer's Phobia • Brother from Another Series • My Sister, My Sitter • Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment • Grade School Confidential • The Canine Mutiny • The Old Man and the Lisa • In Marge We Trust • Homer's Enemy • The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase • The Secret War of Lisa Simpson
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