| Your Horrorscope
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| Comic Story information
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Your Horrorscope is a horoscope first printed in Simpsons Comics #211.
Horrorscope
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Sign
Duration
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Horroscope
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Aquarius
(4:00pm–6:00pm)
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Bringer of jollity. Spirits are lifted when you are near. Warm and compassionate, other people often bring their troubles to you.
This week: Mars and several dozen other planets will enter your house. Be sure to spread your own brand of happiness. It will prove to be very rewarding.
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Pisces
(Nine–Five)
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You possess a high level of intelligence, although that may be difficult for others to perceive. Your relationship can be a bit of an enigma at times.
This week: The Moon is a little wobbly in its orbit. Your situation is stable and yet unpredictable. Look to Aquarius to find real satisfaction.
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Aries
(Edinburgh–Glasgow)
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You tend to be called upon to clean up problems caused by others. You do this with great fortitude and tenacity.
This week: Jupiter is in your house today, and that means there will be plenty of extra mopping up to do. Libra may have brought about this situation.
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Taurus
(Coffee Break–Coffee Break)
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A tireless protector of the people, you have devoted your life to righting the wrongs of society. Once in a great while you actually do something useful.
This week: Though some of the sweeter things in life may prove to be a distraction, try to keep your mind focused on your daily pursuits.
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Gemini
(June 1st –May 31st)
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You are fiercely protective of the ones you love, much to their eternal distress. Children respect you and keep their distance.
This week: Romance is not in the stars this week. Nor next week. Or the week after that. Maybe you should find a hobby instead.
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Cancer
(Golden Age–Silver Age)
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To many you are considered to be the keeper of wisdom from ages past. Young people are drawn to you and look to you for their spiritual needs.
This week: Do not allow sentiment to dilute your finely tuned business sense. If God had not wanted them sheared, he would not have made them sheep.
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Leo
(Late Afternoon Reruns–National News Feed)
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You are a forceful leader and command respect from all you encounter. Experience may have hardened you, but you still have the ability to make other people feel rotten.
This week: Pluto is in the farthest reaches of the solar system. Early career goals may seem more remote than ever, but there is much to love about your present situation.
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Virgo
(Here–Eternity)
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You are often surrounded by children, but this merely underscores the fact that you have none. The ticking of your biological clock keeps you awake at night.
This week:Alpha Centauri will go retrograde. Expect another relationship to go down like the Hindenburg. Sagittarius may be the one you are seeking.
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Libra
(September 6th–June 21st)
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You are unflappable despite the great responsibility of your position. You feed the hearts and minds of the children you serve.
This week: Make the best use of the materials available at your workplace if you wish to maintain your situation, no matter how wrong it may seem.
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Scorpio
(10 Years)
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Your endeavors often capture the attention of the authorities. This makes you one of the most sought after individuals in your community.
This week: You will be in Saturn's house, and Saturn won't like it. Plans may go awry and end up restricting your future activities. Avoid Taurus.
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Sagittarius
(Baptism–Final Reward)
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Your true spirit is a mystery to those in your orbit. Friends may consider you to be helpful one day and enormously irritating the next.
This week: Uranus is in Neptune's garage, borrowing his power mower. Be forgiving of others when they repeatedly take advantage of your kind and loving nature.
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Capricorn
(College–Retirement)
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Your obsequiousness has earned you a position of great importance in your town. Always the public servant, you can often be seen assisting the elderly.
This week: Venus will collide with Mercury. This does not bode well for personal relationships. If unrequited love robs you of your rest, get over it.
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