This Week in Local Sports/Quotes
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- Narrator: The Springfield Iron Man competition was won by Police Chief Clancy Wiggum, who pulled a 2-ton truck 150 feet in 46 seconds. However, his trophy was later rescinded, when somebody noticed he was just a pathetic fat guy motivated by an addiction to tasty snack treats.
- Narrator: The annual Springfield Slalom Race was won by Nelson Muntz, who used Milhouse Van Houten as a human bobsled!
- Milhouse Van Houten: The ice is ripping my skin!
- Nelson Muntz: More luge, less talk, dork!
- Narrator: Springfield's own Patty and Selma Bouvier have won the National Department of Motor Vehicles' tag-team wrestling trophy for five years running due to forfeit of all other competition!
- Narrator: Due to their ability to calculate the thrust, angle and curve factors of ball/alley ratios, the Springfield Junior Achievers have won the tri-state youth bowling competition three years in a row despite the fact they each can barely lift their bowling balls and all throw like sissies!
- Narrator: Heavyweight champ Drederick Tatum celebrated his 1,000th T.K.O. this week. Sadly, it was not in the boxing ring, but during a motivational talk at Springfield Elementary School!
