Lisa Simpson's Book Club/Quotes

Quotes

Lisa: You mean no one has read this month's book?

Homer: Hey, I'm just here for the snacks!

Principal Skinner: Speaking of which, where are they?

Homer: You should have been here on time.

Principal Skinner: I was a half hour early!

Apu: I am sorry, but I just could not take another book on the life of a jazz musician. If I want to read about a depressed, under-appreciated soul working himself towards an early grave, I will read my diary.

Lisa: All right, all right. I don't want to be a book-tator, like Oprah. Why don't you each talk about a story that meant something to you? But make sure you change them enough that you don't violate any copyright laws.

Woman: Excuse me. Are you the Ancient Mariner?

Middle-Aged Mariner: I'm afraid not, ye pretty young thing. I be the Middle-Aged Mariner.

Woman: Oh, it's just that I thought that was an albatross around your neck.

Middle-Aged Mariner: An albatross? I wish! Listen and hear my story...

Middle-Aged Mariner: Yer makin' me blush. Now get back to work before I flog you!

Crew: [GASP!]

Middle-Aged Mariner: Flog you... with love!

Crew: Awwwww.

Middle-Aged Mariner: Ye've poisoned more than half me crew!

Ol' Gull: Maybe Ol' Gull did take a quick bath in the soup. But ya gotta understand. I'm a seagull, and we're all pretty filthy. I had to wash up before cooking.

Middle-Aged Mariner: Lucky fer me I'm on a strict all-rum diet. As for you...!

Ol' Gull: Aw, ya gotta give me another chance! I'm beggin' ya!

Woman: You fell off the edge of the earth? But I thought it was round.

Middle-Aged Mariner: That's what the fat cat globe manufacturers want you to think. They can charge more for those than they can for flat maps. Luckily, the moon was rising early, and we landed on that.

Waylon Smithers: Simpson! Get your caboose in gear. We need to get this shipment of toys to Orphan Town!

Homer: [MOAN!] How far is it? I was up pretty late last night... um... giving free rides to cripples.

Smithers: I know you were at that bar on the wrong side of the tracks until all hours! But you're lucky. It's just a half mile....

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Smithers: ...Up that hill!

Homer: D'oh!

Edna Krabappel: I'd like to return this "soup for one." It was barely soup for one half.

Apu: Yes, sir, no, sir. English I no speak. Hot dog, hot dog!

Grampa: I have a story.

Lisa: Grampa? What are you doing here?

Grampa: I was on my way to the doctor's office when I got on the wrong bus, and now I'm very lost.

Mr. Tumnus: Greetings to both of you and welcome to our magical land. I am a faun! What is this? You are signing an autograph for me?

Edmund Pevensie: Sure, anything for a faun!

Ice Queen: Hello, dear children. Would you care for some Turkish Delight?

Lucy Pevensie: Hmmm... candy from strangers?

Edmund: What did father say about that again?

Homer: [thought bubble] Remember, I get ten percent of all stranger candy!

Edmund: Oh, right.

Mr. Tumnus: You must help us children! The white stag is loose and the White Witch as well.

Frodo Baggins: Excuse me. We're supposed to throw this ring into a volcano, and we've gotten a bit lost.

Cletus Spuckler: How much fer' the clothes holdin' box?

Edmund: Free!

Lucy: And we'll throw in Alice's looking glass, the Hellraiser box, and this Jumanji board game... also for free!

Martin Prince: Thank you, Lisa, for beating up those bullies and getting our milk money back.

Milhouse Van Houten: Wait, I forgot. I'm lactose-intolerant. Oooh! The painful bloating.

Lisa Longsocks: What?!!! You took credit for what I did!

Bart Longsocks: Okay, okay! To be fair, you can take credit for whatever I do next!

Narrator: The next day...

Lisa: What?!!! And you set fire to Australia?

Bart: Not all of it.

Horse: Excuse me.

Lisa: [GASP!] You can talk?

Monkey: Yes, and we quit!

Lisa: Quit?

Horse: We never agreed to be a maid and butler, and to be quite frank, your brother's hygiene is horrific.

Monkey: And that's coming from someone who sleeps in a stall with his own filth! Goodbye!

Marge: Well, Lisa, I must say. That surprise attack you planned really caught the Devil off guard. Heaven's been after him for a long time. He's got a rap sheet as long as God's arm.

Lisa:Thanks, Mom. But to be honest it was just because I was getting bored. I think I'm gonna visit Dad for a while.

Lisa: Dad, I scuttled Redbeard and Bluebeard's ships, and they crashed into each other!

Homer: Old Red and Blue crashed together at sea? What happened?

Lisa: They were marooned!

Homer: I don't get it.

Lisa: [SIGH] I'm going home.

Sideshow Bob: Greetings and welcome to our humble carnival.

Homer: Holy moly! You're covered head to toe in tattoos!

Bart: And they're all pictures of you killing me.

Sideshow Bob: Are they? What an odd coincidence. I picked them at random off the tattoo shop wall. They were having a 50% off sale, and I went a little crazy.

Milhouse: Let's hide in the sewer!

Bart: What is it with you and sewers?

Milhouse: I-I just like them is all.

Bart: Dad, are you okay?

Homer: Yeah, but I think Sideshow Bob is evil. He dropped his union card.

Bart: You gotta hide down here with us!

Homer: Naw, I'll just hide at Moe's and have a few beers until this all blows over.

Bart: Dad, you're my age. You can't drink for eleven years!

Homer: No beer? For eleven years?! NOOOOO!

Lisa: [SNIFF] [SNIFF] Wait... Do you smell smoke?

Reverend Lovejoy: Sorry, Lisa, but we have the room now. It's time for our monthly book burning club meeting. And thank you for that jazz book you left on the desk. It burned great!

Mr. Burns: Come on, people. Let's get the temperature up to a toasty Fahrenheit 451!

Ralph Wiggum: And remember, you'll find more great books to burn at your local liberry!

Lisa: [SIGH]