Crook and Ladder/Quotes
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- Marge: Maggie, honey, this is for your own good. Growing up means giving up everything that makes you happy.
- Grampa: It's true. I've given up everything but raisins. And the doctor says they're killin' me. Sweet, plump coffin nails is what they are.
- Lisa: I can't believe you listened to this magazine. It's a Larry Flynt publication!
- Marge: Lisa! Stop reading mastheads!
- Lisa: I can't! I won't!
- Marge: Homer, I think you dominoed this.
- Homer: That's ridiculous! If I had to set up these dominoes, I'd be wearing my special domino-setting up kneepads.
- (Homer pulls his pants up to reveal "Dominex" brand kneepads)
- Marge: It was you!
- Homer: How is that possible?
- Lisa: I've read that people do strange things in their sleep when they've taken Ambien... I mean Nappien.
- Homer: Okay, here's the solution. I want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside, so I can't get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief.
- Bart: Why don't you just stop taking the pills, you hophead?
- Homer: Because I'm filled with stress! (he whacks Bart on the back of the head) Oh! I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?
- Bart: Why am I sleeping when right next door is every boy's dream; a fat, suggestible zombie dad.
- Bart: Hey zombie... wanna come out and play?
- Homer: Zombie kill.
- Bart: No, play!
- Homer: Zombie file grievance.
- Homer: Oh my God! What have I done?!
- Fireman: You horribly injured the whole fire department!
- Homer: What are you, a travel agent? 'Cause your sending me on a guilty trip.
- Fireman: Sorry.
- Kent Brockman: Sir, how does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you?
- Main in burning building: Not as bad as knowing that somewhere, gays are marrying each other. That's the real emergency, Kent.
- Kent Brockman: Once again, crisis has brought out the best in us.
- Mayor Quimby: It is with great pride that I turn over the safety of this city to the first four people who showed up.
- Homer: Mm-hmm.
- Quimby: Your sense of civic duty and this pamphlet that came with the fire extinguisher are all the training you need or shall receive.
- (Homer, Moe, Apu and Principal Skinner start to congratulate each other. Lenny and Carl run in)
- Carl: We're here to join the volunteer fire department.
- Moe: You're too late... beat it! (Carl and Lenny walk out sadly) Lousy civillians... I wish I could burn them all!
- Quimby: Easy there, Fire Chief Moe.
- Homer: Oooh, I can't wait until my first fire. (gasps) Is that one?
- Lisa: That's just someone barbecuing.
- Homer: Is that one?
- Bart: That's a guy with red hair.
