The Children's Book Job/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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810
"The Children's Book Job"
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- Marge: [reciting] And will, to the best of my ability, uphold the standards and traditions of the Springfield Elementary Parent-Teacher Association.
- Superintendent Chalmers: Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson. I'm sure your tenure as our new PTA president will be a rousing success. Also, the state is closing this school forever.
- [everybody gasps]
- Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, well, that is well-gasped, because Comptroller Atkins has decided that one school must be closed at the end of the year, and Springfield Elementary is the obvious candidate due to its staggeringly low test scores and persistent infestation of owls.
- Principal Skinner: This is terrible. The teachers and myself will all be scattered to different schools.
- Superintendent Chalmers: Now, rest assured that will not happen. You'll all be fired.
- Gloria Prince: This means Martin would have to go to West Springfield Elementary. It's a 15-minute longer bus ride.
- Martin Prince: That's three more wedgies!
- Nelson Muntz: Five, if the lights are against him.
- Lisa: Maybe we could impress the state school board by sending them pencils printed with quotations from history's most brilliant thinkers.
- Marge: Oh, sweetie, that's just the type of thing you would pitch.
- Lisa: Thank you?
- Bart: We can do this. All our school has to do is suck a little bit less than the next suckiest one.
- Marge: We don't say "suck" in this family. We say "sudge."
- Bart: But our school sudges so sudging hard. It sudges monkey nudge!
- Homer: Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.
- Marge: Oh, you're so checked out playing that stupid game.
- Homer: It helps me relax after a long day of work. D'oh! Ball jam? This is the last thing I sudging need! Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.
- Moe Szyslak: See, when I say the students should do a Squid Game to save the school, everyone assumes I mean it should be to the death, but it don't have to be. Necessarily.
- Horatio McCallister: I say we move the school to a galleon and have those overpaid teachers work for jolly limes and hardtack.
- Lisa: The Plucky Little Goat taught me that despite humanity's rough edges, we all have an innate goodness that can't be denied.
- Marge: Oh, sweetie, that's just the kind of review you would give.
- Lisa: Are you mad at me?
- Dewey Largo: My Geoffrey knows someone in England who knows her.
- Geoffrey: I called in a favor from a very old friend.
- Mr. Largo: et me tell it!
- Geoffrey: It's my story.
- Mr. Largo: I tell it better! I tell it!
- Bernice Hibbert: [on the phone] Now, we need you down here ASAP. Helen Lovejoy is rounding up all the books that, quote, "Glorify the seven deadly sins."
- Helen Lovejoy: The Very Hungry Caterpillar?" Gluttony defined.
- Marge: [on the phone] Uh, you'll have to handle it. Constance Clavinger lands in an hour.
- Bernice: But only you can talk Helen down.
- Helen: What's that little engine trying to get up the hill for anyway? Steam-powered fornication?
- Announcer: Welcome to the United States of America. Your ICE agent will greet you at baggage claim.
- Constance Clavinger: Well, isn't this a fine kettle of fish?
- Homer: It's a terrible kettle of fish! And this is coming from a guy who loves fish kettles.
- Snake Jailbird: Ms. Clavinger, I am honored to share an outlet mall jail cell with the creator of the goat who taught me right from wrong. I chose wrong.
- Marge: Okay, I let Helen burn a couple of kids' books by Colin Jost. That seemed to get it out of her system.
- Helen: Burn, whoever you are.
- Constance: Oh, I'm so sorry, Homer. Oh, I've gone and cocked it all up with my drinking and accidental shoplifting and accidental cocaine snorting.
- Homer: Why me, God, you miserable space bastard? Wait a minute. We can find the car using my tracking app. Thank you, you wonderful space bastard!
- Homer: Hey, I need to commandeer your vehicle. Husband emergency!
- Hans Moleman: But I'm on my way to dialysis.
- Homer: Quit hogging life, boomer!
- Constance: Oh, oh, oh. Now I dropped my galleys.
- Homer: Never fear, milady. I've got them. Every heartwarming page where The Plucky Little Goat is fed into a sausage grinder? You can't read this to children!
- Constance: Ooh. But I must read it to children in a grand public setting. It's the only way I'll kill off that whinging goat once and for all!
- Homer: But why?
- Constance: Do you know what it's like being hounded by children and former children wherever you go, forced to perpetuate a fairy tale that the world is full of wonderful people nibbling on crumble cakes, and even the ugliest toad has a soul of gold? Oh, rubbish! People betray you, like my husband, when I caught him in bed with the checkout girl from Tesco! And do you know what was tattooed on her 22-year-old arse cheek? The Plucky Little Goat!
- Homer: Arse means ass!
- Constance: When those wide-eyed innocents get an earful of goat sausage, I'll bring the whole ruddy thing down in a blaze of glory! All bridges burned! I'll be free!
- Constance: I must sacrifice that goat! I simply must!
- Superintendent Chalmers: Marge, you promised me Constance Clavinger, and instead, you delivered Colin Jost?
- Colin Jost: "'Toot, toot, toot, ' went the ferry as it splish-splash-sploodled away from Staten Island."
- [Everybody boos him]
- Homer: Constance, I'm sorry being rich and famous has been so hard for you, but over the course of today, I remembered something. I used to read The Plucky Little Goat to my kids. After all, books are better parents than I could ever be. But then my kids got older, and I lost my mind to phone games. I can't make new memories. So please, don't ruin the only good ones I have.
- Constance: That's the most moving, genuine, heartfelt speech I've ever decided to ignore. Toodles.
- Constance: "One dreary morning, the Plucky Little Goat awoke with a feeling today would be special, but not in a happy way, because this was the day that…" The Plucky Little Goat decided today would be a different story.
- Homer: Huh?
- Constance: The Plucky Little Goat was far from her barnyard home, in a strange place with lots of guns and no vaccines. Then at the airport, she met a great big hippopotamus, who smelled like the worst parts of the jungle, ut who was kindly just the same. And thanks to him, they had a wonderful adventure. The smelly hippo showed the goat that there are things worth saving in this world, like children's innocence and mayo-drenched sandwiches, and not all people will cheat on you with a much younger grocery whore. The end.
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