Fund-Razing/Quotes

Quotes

Lisa: I can't believe we have to hear about another fund-raiser. This is the eleventh one this year!

Nelson Muntz: I'll take any excuse to get out of class...but this is the worst! Can't somebody get us out of this thing?

Bart: Have no fear... Bart Simpson is here! Let's see if I can liven things up.

Gil Gunderson: Hiya, kids! I'm Gil Gunderson, and I'll be working to help you and your school make money! It'll be easy! Who wouldn't love selling Nutty Fun Time Peanut Brittle? Everyone loves it!

Principal Skinner: [GASP!]

Lunchlady Dora: Don't open this box! Principal Skinner is allergic!

Gil: Don't worry... half of the boxes won't open anyway. The company used too much molasses... ...And the Army Corps of Engineers has been using them as bricks to shore up levees!

Gil: Kids, you can win wonderful prizes! If you sell five boxes, you'll win a scratch-and-sniff sticker. Sell ten boxes, and you'll win a sticker that doesn't smell! Twenty boxes gets you a glossy 8x10 photograph signed by heartthrob newsman Marvin Kalb!

Bart: And now for the ol' switcheroo.

Gil: And if you sell fifty boxes, you'll win our best prize...

Bart: [over speakers] ...Ten thousand dollars in cash!

Principal Skinner: They're leaving! But the school day isn't over!

Superintendent Chalmers: Forget it! I haven't seen kids this excited about a fundraising drive in years. Even at two percent a sale... ...Springfield Elementary might even be able to afford toilet seats again!

Bart: Another job well done and a nice day, too. Sun shining, birds chirping...

Gil: Those aren't birds, son...that's me crying. T-ten thousand dollars? The prize was supposed to be a coupon for half off a subscription to "Amish Surfer" magazine!

Lisa: You should be ashamed of yourself, Bart. Your little prank has ruined this man!

Bart: Hey, you were the one who wanted out of the assembly. I can't be responsible for collateral damage!

Lisa: And you should be ashamed, too. You get kids to guilt people into buying overpriced, second-rate products... ...and the school and the kids don't get anything!

Gil: I'm sorry! I only took the job to get my dear aunt a new iron lung! The roof leaked in the old folks' home... ...and now she's developed a case of premature rust! You've got to help me!

Lisa: He's got a good reason for doing this, Bart. Somehow we have to make sure that nobody wins the prize!

Bart: What do you mean "we," Kemo Sabe? I've got the afternoon off and better things to do.

Lisa: But it'll involve creating havoc and the mass destruction of merchandise!

Bart: That I can do.

Lisa: Somehow I knew that'd work.

Lisa: Oh, hi, Milhouse! I'm glad to see you're selling to these nice men.

Milhouse Van Houten: What's up, Lisa?

Lisa: I commend you on the choice you're making, Moe. This is a super-healthy, zero-cal mix of organic legumes!

Moe Szyslak: Legumes? I thought this was good old American junk food! You can keep 'em! C'mon, guys... there's still some chip gut at the bottom of the snack machine!

Nelson: You'll buy this brittle or else, old man!

Hans Moleman: But I don't even have teeth!

Bart: We're just trying to stop you from making a terrible mistake! The ten thousand-dollar prize is baloney! They're raising money for Springfield Elementary's secret plan, not school renovations. They want to expand school to six days a week with no summer vacations!

Sherri Mackleberry: Six days?!

Nelson: No vacations?!

Lou: It's some kind of riot! Should I call for backup, Chief?

Chief Wiggum: Do it, Lou... ...and have them bring a tissue box. All that sugary goodness, gone forever! [SNIFF!]

Principal Skinner: This is the worst fundraiser ever! We brought in only five dollars...and that was what I sold to my mother! The school's cut is only a dime. That won't buy any toilet seats. It might get you into a pay toilet...in 1950!

Gil: [GULP!]

Superintendent Chalmers: Don't let it worry you, Seymour! I've just signed a contract with the Mayor to put the kids to work.

Mayor Quimby: It's good to see our city's...er, ah...young people willing to lend a hand after the recent...er, ah...unpleasantness. Especially when they work cheaper than the sanitation union!

Nelson: This is all your fault, Simpson.

Bart: Hey, you're the ones who wanted out of class! You just didn't say how!

Lisa: Oh, brother!