Springfield Up/Quotes
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- Homer: It's been another 8 years, and what do I have? Same job, same house, same dirty joke book. [He reads.] Ha ha ha, I just thought for once I could be the cool guy in your movie, but all I am is the guy who makes everyone else look good.
- Moe: My dad was a circus freak, but my mom don't remember which one. I like to think it was a little bit of all of them.
- Homer: I will be rich. I'll own a football team and a basketball team and I'll make them play baseball.
- Declan Desmond: I can't believe it! Homer Simpson! A bloody millionaire!
- Homer: Why do you sound so surprised? This is our fifth take.
- Marge: Homer! Don't kill the foreign man!
- Homer: Relax Marge. I wasn't going to kill him. [knives drop out of Homer's shirt and pants.]
- Young Homer: When I grow up, I'm gonna have a giant mansion, a pinball machine with infinity quarters, eight pairs of peanut butter and jelly pajamas... how many wishes do I have left?
- Declan Desmond: None. You never had any. I'm not a genie.
- Young Homer: D'oh!
- Declan Desmond: Now Homer, your dreams will take a lot of money and, don't look at me, look at the camera.
- Young Homer: Got it.
- Declan Desmond: I said look at the camera.
- [Homer looks down.]
- Declan Desmond: Now you're looking at a mud puttle.
- [Homer looks at his left hand.]
- Declan Desmond: Now you're looking at your hand!
- [Homer looks to the right.]
- Declan Desmond: Now you're looking at the production company!
- [Homer looks at his other hand.]
- Declan Desmond: That's your other hand! Do you even know what a camera is?
- Young Homer: What! Of course I, um, no.
- Declan Desmond: Ok, I'm going to put this squeaky toy on top of the camera.
- [Homer's head goes up as the toy squeaks.]
- Young Homer: Oh! Squeaky! Squeaky! Squeaky squeaky squeaky!
- Homer: [To Marge.] All those years I was dreaming of other things, I was actually doing what I really wanted: hanging out with my family, drinking with my friends, making friends with my family and hanging with my drinking.
- Homer: Oh! This is Eduardo. He's the pool boy. He thinks he's an angry old rich man.
- Mr. Burns: I am an angry old rich man!
- Homer: [whispers] That's the pool chemicals talking.
- Marge: The biggest change for me over the last 8 years... that's gotta be Homer.
- Homer: Marge, baby, I got a picture of you tattooed on my chest! [He opens his shirt to reveal a skull with Marge's hairdo.] They had a sale on skulls.
- Young Carl: I wish for world peace.
- Young Barney: I wish for world war.
- Young Carl: That would be cooler.
- Homer: I do open-casket caricatures. [Looking at a man in a casket.] Did he have any hobbies?
- Widow: Get out of here!
- [Bart and Lisa ride dolphins.]
- Bart: Mine has a cup holder!
- Lisa: That's a blowhole!
- Bart: You're a blowhole!
- Ned Flanders: [About Homer.] He's the kindest, sweetest, most generous guy who ever drove through my living room.
- Chief Wiggum: As you can see, I've gotten everything I ever wanted.
- Lou: Except pants that fit.
- Declan Desmond: [To Homer and Marge.] Are you two considering children?
- Homer: Pfft. Kids? No way. You won't see a couple of rugrats tying me down. [cut to eight years later, Homer and Marge with baby Bart and Lisa.] You better not put this shot after the one where I said I won't have kids. That would be a devastating edit.
- Homer: Find me a Christmas goose.
- Declan Desmond: If this bunny was going to be boiled, I'd have to turn up the heat.
