Bart After Dark/Quotes
(Bart, Lisa, and Homer are watching The Itchy and Scratchy Show when the TV goes blank)
Bart & Lisa [screams]: Dad! V-chip, v-chip!
Homer: Sorry, sorry, my fault. [turns TV back on]
Kent Brockman: Kent Brockman at the Action News desk. A massive tanker has run aground on the central coastline, spilling millions of gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach.
Lisa: [gasps] Oh, no! Homer: It'll be okay, honey. There's lots more oil where that came from.
Lisa: We'd be doing our part for the environment! Plus, we'd get to clean up all those cute animals. Marge: Honey, we don't need to drive 400 miles to clean animals. You can stay right here and give the dog a bath. Or trim the cat's nails. [Snowball II walks by with high toenails]
Lisa: Oh, Mom, please? You can make this my birthday and Christmas presents. Marge: You already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you. And you hardly ever play with that anymore. Lisa: Yes, I do. Sure, I do. Look! [runs out and frolics by the tree] [singing] Here I am playing on my peach tree, Mom. Marge: Oh, all right, we'll go.
[Marge gives Homer instructions while she and Lisa are gone]
Marge: Now the cat needs his medication...
Homer: No problem...
Marge: ... every morning and the furnace has been putting off...
Homer: Can do. Right. Uh-huh.
Marge: ... a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open.
Homer: Gotcha. Cat in the furnace.
Marge: Ah, you know, I think we'll take Maggie with us.
Marge: And if anything happens, just use your best judgemmmm... just do what I would do.
Homer: A whole week of just father and son. See you at dinner. [he and Bart walk off whistling]
Bart: What time?
Homer: You know? I don't know.
Bart: Shall we say... 10:00?
Homer: All right, just wake me up.
Bart: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?
Homer: No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.
[at Baby Seal Beach]
Lisa: I'm gonna rescue a baby seal, and then I'm gonna save an otter!
Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, but all the animals have already been reserved for celebrities. [Rainer Wolfcastle carries up a huge sack]
Rainer Wolfcastle: There. That's 104 pounds of sandpipers. Lisa: You mean there's nothing left to clean?
Man: Well, there are rocks. Thousands and thousands of rocks. [smiles] [later that day, Marge and Lisa are scrubbing rocks]
Marge: I've got rocks that need washing at home
Bart: Dad? I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Bart: No.
Homer: Knock yourself out.
[At the Springfield Park, Milhouse is showing his RC plane to Bart and Nelson]
Bart: Milhouse, this is boring. Make it crash or something.
Milhouse: Perfectly level flying is the supreme challenge of the scale model pilot.
[Milhouse's plane aims towards Martin and Ralph, who are riding a paddleboat]
Martin: Ah! It's gaining on us!
Ralph: I'm pedaling backwards!
Mr. Burns: I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children.
[Milhouse's plane is stuck on the roof of a mysterious old house]
Milhouse: Thanks a lot. Now it's stuck on that haunted house.
Nelson: I heard a witch lives there.
Ralph: I heard a Frankenstein lives there.
Milhouse: You guys are way off. It's a secret lab where they take the brains out of zombies and put them in the heads of other zombies to create a race of super-zombies.
Nelson: That's the house?!
Bart [after climbing on the roof to get Milhouse's plane]: S-U-C-C-E-E-S! That's the way you spell succe...[slips and slides down the roof, bumping into a gargoyle which crashes to the ground. He hangs onto a rain gutter when a caterpillar steps on Bart's fingers one by one and its tickling makes him slowly lose his grip.] [laughing] No, no. H-help, h-help. I'm gonna die. [falls off the rain gutter and is soon spotted by Belle, who grabs him by the ear.]
Milhouse: Oh, no! The witch has Bart!
Martin: We've got to hurry! [The boys run off screaming]
[Homer answers the doorbell]
Homer: Just a minute! [there are sounds of grunting and paper tearing; opens the door wearing only a paper bag as pants; sees Bart with Belle] Hello?
Belle: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and... are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.
Homer: Aw, I don't know how to punish you. What does Marge usually do?
Bart: She makes me taste beer.
Homer: Come on, boy, give your old man a little credit. [the bag bursts, sending a load of groceries to the floor]
Homer [drops Bart off at Belle's house]: Now you're gonna do chores for that lady until you work off the damage you did. It's called "responsibility." [drives forward, and crushes the mailbox; screams, backs off, and drives away]
Bart: I can't believe I've gotta spend all my free time dusting doilies in a smelly run-down dump for a creepy old witch. [pulls a curtain and sees scantily-clad girls dancing can-can and people gambling] Lady, I gotta tell ya, I have been grossly misinformed about witches.
Bart: Wow, man, what is this place?
Belle: I prefer not to be called "man." My name is Belle, and this is the Maison Derriere. That means the, uh, "Back House."
Belle: Normally, we don't allow children in here, but your father was so insistent.
Bart: He's tough but fair. I'll start sorting these bras.
Belle: That's a bit advanced for you, but I know a stopped-up sink that needs some attention.
Bart: Just glad to be on the team.
Belle: When you work the door, the main things are to greet the visitors and toss out the troublemakers.
Bart: Ah, the ol' greet 'n' toss. No problemo.
Belle: How did I ever get along without you?
[When Grampa visits the Maison Derriere]
Grampa: [whistles & hangs his hat; sees Bart] Oop. [whistles again, turns around, picks up his hat and leaves; sticking his head in] Is your name "Bart"?
Bart: [nodding] Mm-hmm.
Grampa: What the... Does your father know you're working here?
Bart: It was his idea.
Grampa: In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.
[Marge, Lisa, and Maggie are still scrubbing rocks at Baby Seal Beach]
Lisa: Oh, there's something unsatisfying about scrubbing these rocks and I think I know what it is. [a wave washes a new coat of oil on the once-clean rocks]
Marge: Lisa, I know it's frustrating, but we made a commitment, and we have to see it through, no matter how unpleasant. [the cleanup guy drives up]
Man: Quitting time. Okay. Scrub up and head for the communal tarp. We're having kelpburgers, and we're going to watch a tape of Johnny Arvik, he's the Eskimo comedian.
[Marge and Lisa stare at him for a moment; scene cuts to them driving away]
Lisa: Faster, Mom, faster!
[When Belle gets off the telephone]
Belle: Oh, that was our emcee, Mel Zetz. He got out of bed too fast and broke his hip.
Bart: So who's gonna warm up the crowd tonight?
Belle: Well, whoever fits Mel's tuxedo.
Bart: Eep.
Belle: The jokes are in the breast pocket. If you get in trouble, there's a switch that makes the bow tie spin. [the tie spins while making an amusing noise]
[Bart's on stage in Mel Zetz's suit, telling jokes]
Bart: Heh, nudist colonies are everywhere these days. I'd love to go, but I... [stares at the card] can't get the wrinkles out of my birthday suit. [rim shot, heavy laughs] [Bart looks at the card again in disbelief] But, I gotta tell you, Adam and Eve must have been the first bookkeepers. They invented the "loose-leaf" system. [rim shot, more laughs] If there's a bad bookkeeping joke, I haven't heard it.
TV Announcer: It's 11 o'clock. Do you know where your children are?
Homer: I told you last night, no!
Homer {when he drives to the Maison Derriere to pick up Bart]: Bart, where are you? Come on! I have to be up at 6am to swipe Flanders' newspaper.
Belle: I'm sorry. This is all my fault. Bart was filling in for...
Homer: I don't care if he was filling in for Mel Zetz, he's my son, and I don't want him working... [in the next room, Homer sees a sexy chorus girl doing a fan dance] ...so...late....that...
Belle: Oh, I agree, kids need rules and boundaries.
Homer: [in a trance-like tone] Yes, everyone loves rules.
Belle: It's so tough to be a parent these days, what with all the gangs and the drugs.
Homer: Oh yeah, drugs, you gotta have drugs. [goes in to see the fan dancer]
Bart: Hey, he didn't pay the cover.
Belle: Oh, Bart, he's your father. We'll comp him tonight, start a tab tomorrow.
[Principal Skinner visits the Maison Derriere]
Principal Skinner: Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show.
Bart: Nope.
Principal Skinner: Is Roxanne back?
Bart: Yep.
Principal Skinner: Did she, uh, get my flowers?
Bart: She did.
Principal Skinner: [notices Bart] Hello, Bart.
Bart: Hello, Principal Skinner.
Principal Skinner: This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it?
[When Homer answers the door]
Homer: Awww. This isn't about religion, is it?
Reverend Lovejoy: Everything is about religion, Homer. Except this. Your son has been working in a burlesque house.
Helen Lovejoy: Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes.
(Principal Skinner appears from behind Reverend Lovejoy.)
Principal Skinner: That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there.
Homer: If Homer Simpson wants his 10-year old son to work in a burlesque house, then Homer Simpson's ten year old son is going to work in a burlesque house. (Marge appears and Homer screams)
