Difference between revisions of "Holidays of Future Passed/Quotes"

Revision as of 08:10, October 27, 2020

Seymour Skinner: You're two weeks late on the rent, Bart. Not to mention that geography report from 30 years ago.

Bart: Don't worry. I've got some buyers coming over to look at my good kidney. They grow back, right?

Skinner: Just get me that rent, or you'll be expelled.

Bart: You mean evicted?

Skinner: Mhmm.

Bart: (thinking) Hahaha. I'll just dump them at my mom's.

Skippy Simpson: You know, we can hear thoughts now!

Bart: Dammit!

Milhouse: Lis, I'm afraid my seasonal allergies are kicking in.

Lisa: Aww. You poor thing. This is a tough time of year for someone who's allergic to holly, mistletoe, the red part of candy canes...

Milhouse: I can't believe we put a man on the sun, but we can't stop my sneezing! (sneezes)

Homer: Oh, Marge, how would you like some future sex?

Marge: Why do you say future? This is now.

Homer: I meant a week from tomorrow. That's when the new penis gets here.

Homer: Hey, I've got a B-Mail, too! You have won a valuable prize. Open now.

Marge: Don't open it, Homie. It's a virus.

Homer: Too late. I- (starts to fit)

Bart: I can't believe she got married, and I have no one. It's so hard to find somebody new.

Ned Flanders: Sure is. That's why after Homer accidentally killed Edna, I married Maude's ghost.

Maude's ghost: There is no God, Neddy. It's just an empty, meaningless void.

Ned: Hehe. Isn't she pretty?

Marge: And now Patty and Selma are here to help us decorate with their new Lovebots.

Selma: (to her Lovebot) Make me a bloody Mary, dollface.

Selma's Lovebot: No, Selma. Even a robot built, only to love you, can not love you. I am leaving with your sister's Compudroid.

(Bart gets pulled over by a police car)

Bart: Naww. It's Chief Wiggum.

Ralph Wiggum: Hi, Bart!

Bart: Hey, Ralph. I heard you died.

Ralph: I got cloneded. (Ralph shoots himself in the head)

Ralph clone 1: All right, buddy, what's the hurry?

(Bart drives off. A lorry hits the Ralph clone)

Ralph clone 2: Heh. That Ralph was stupid.

(the lorry crashes into a building. Several Ralph clones fall out the back on fire)

Ralph clones: (screams of pain)

(Bart enters Moe's Tavern)

Bart: Wow. This place hasn't changed a bit.

Moe: Yeah, I keep meaning to switch things around, but this place is always a crime scene.

Bart: Was my dad here?

Moe: Ah, yes. Since he don't drink, he just comes here to see Lenny and Carl.

Bart: (to Lenny's body) Hey, Lenny.

Carl: (in Lenny's body) I'm Carl.

Lenny: (in Carl's body) Don't you remember, you came to the brain switching ceremony.

Bart: Right, what was the point again?

Lenny: Because I wanted to get back together with my wife who was sleeping with Carl at the time.

Carl: Turns out she had switched brains with a monkey on a Japanese game show, and it just got weirder from there.

Lenny: Ah, I found it quite normal. Anyway, if you're looking for your dad, he took the kids to see his dad.

Bart: Thanks.

Carl: Hey, Moe, get me another beer.

Lenny: Quit making me fat!

Homer: He froze himself because he was sick and there was no cure.

Jiff Simpson: Are they working on one?

Homer: Oh, they found one. But don't tell him. This is way cheaper than a nursing home.

Homer: Dad, these are your great grandsons.

Abraham Simpson: Ehh. I don't see what's so great about them. And, Homer, you're still a big disappointment because-

Homer: See you next Christmas. (Homer re-freezes Grampa)

Homer: Everyone thinks their dad's a jerk. And everyone's right. But, when you get older, you realize how much you love them. Your dad may be a little bit immature, but I know he loves you. So, you ought to give him a chance.

Bart: Boys, I've acted like a ten year old for the last thirty years and I swear to you, I will grow up and act like a twenty year old, the way a divorced forty year old should.

Bart's youngest child: You're gonna have to do better than that.

Bart: Boys, I'm a deadbeat dad, I live in a school, it's Christmas. The only thing worth anything in my life is you.

Bart's eldest child: Oh, dad.

Bart's youngest child: You've taught us the meaning of Christmas. Which schools are forbidden to tell us anymore.

(Lisa enters Zia's Ultranet room)

Zia: Mom? Why are you here?

(Zia emerges from the Online Chemistry Midterm vial)

Lisa: I was worried. I thought I would find--

Zia: What, me flashing my boobs on unripemelons.com?

Lisa: What? No. It doesn't matter what I thought. I'm sorry I spied on you. But what I found is, my daughter looks up to me.

Zia: Well, of course I do. I look up to both my parents.

(Milhouse appears)

Milhouse: Could somebody FedEx me a prayer mat? And quick! (disappears)

Zia: But I especially look up to you. (She and Lisa hug, then a door opens; a party is going on and Zia closes the door)