Difference between revisions of "Bart the Lover/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 10:51, March 5, 2020

[A black-and-white educational film. Jimmy is trying to start his car with no success.]

Jimmy: Hey, what gives?

Jimmy's Dad: You said you wanted to live in a world without zinc, Jimmy. Well, now your car has no battery.

Jimmy: But I promised Betty I'd pick her up by six. I'd better give her a call.

[He tries to dial Betty's number, but nothing happens.]

Jimmy's Dad: [chuckles] Sorry, Jimmy. Without zinc for the rotary mechanism, there are no telephones.

Jimmy: [distraught] Dear God, what have I done?

[He takes a gun out of the drawer, puts it against his head and pulls the trigger, but it doesn't fire.]

Jimmy's Dad: Think again, Jimmy. You see, the firing pin in your gun was made out of - yep - zinc!

Jimmy: Come back, zinc! Come back!

[Dissolve to Jimmy in his bed, talking in his sleep and waving his arms.]

Jimmy: Come back... zinc... come back... zinc... [wakes up] Zinc? Zi... what? [sighs in relief] It was all a dream. Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones, car batteries, handguns [bang!] and many things made of zinc.

[Bart, watching the film in class, casts a shadow over Jimmy's face with his arm.]

Bart: Gross, he's picking his nose! [the other kids laugh]

[A depressed Edna Krabappel has ended her work day at Springfield Elementary and is doing errands. She first sees a car mechanic to see why her car is acting up. Mechanic tastes a substance from her gas tank.]

Mechanic: Just as I thought, sugar! Your ex-husband has struck again.

[Mrs. Krabappel buys goods at Kwik-E-Mart.]

Apu: Would you like anything else?

Edna Krabappel: One Scratch & Win, Apu.

[Edna Krabappel scratches off lottery ticket at counter.]

Apu: So will you remain in teaching?

[Edna scratches off ticket to reveal a losing combination of a lemon, a prune, and a cherry.]

Edna Krabappel: At least until tomorrow.

Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?

Todd: Hell, no.

[Ned, Maude and Rod gasp.]

Maude: What did you say?

Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.

Ned: Alright, that's it, young man. No Bible stories for you tonight.

[Todd runs to his room crying.]

Maude: Weren't you a little hard on him?

Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

[Bart is watching an old-time black-and-white movie to get inspiration for his love letters.]

Frenchman: A million poets working for a thousand years could not succeed at describing even ⅜ of your beauty.

Bart: Whoa! Slow down Frenchy, this stuff is gold!

Woodrow: Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit.

Ned: I'm talking about your potty-mouth.

Homer: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Ned: That is it. Your swearing is having a negative influence on my son.

Homer: Oh yeah? The nerve to think you can impose your ways on me! Well, I do not like... your mustache!

Ned: OK, fair is fair. Tell you what. If you get rid of the potty mouth then I will get rid of the soup-strainer. It is a deal!

Homer: Stupid Flanders, telling me I should not swear!

Marge: You know Homer, you have let a lot of colorful idioms fly loose, and I am worried it will be a bad influence on the kids.

Homer: Well, what am I supposed to do about it?

Marge: You could try one thing my parents did. When my father got out of the Navy he cussed a blue streak. So my mother set it up that every time he swore he had to deposit 25¢ into a swear jar. That broke his swearing!

Homer: "Damn crappy nails! Superglue my butt!"

Mrs. Krabappel: [after the bell rings and the kids leave] If anyone wants to learn more about zinc, they're welcome to stay. We can talk about anything. I'll do your homework for ya?

Ned: [about Todd] Is this all he watches?

Maude: Well, he used to watch Davey and Goliath, but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.

Groundskeeper Willy: Don't you worry about your wee fish, lass. They're goin' to a better place. [flushes them down the toilet]

Mrs. Krabappel: [reading] After two months at sea, the Pilgrims were running out of food and water. [Nelson raises his hand] Yes, Nelson.

Nelson: Did they have any have yo-yo's?

Mrs. Krabappel: No, they did not have yo-yo's. [continues reading] When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the friendly Wampanog Indians.

Milhouse: [raises his hand] Did the Indians have yo-yo's?

Mrs. Krabappel: No, they did not have yo-yo's! [slams book closed]\\ That's it! [slams book onto her desk] I am getting sick and tired of talking about yo-yo's. From now on, I will not accept any book reports, science projects, dioramas, or anything else on yo-yo's or yo-yo-related topics. Am I making myself clear?

Bart: Yo!

Woodrow: Dearest Edna, I must leave you. Why, I cannot say. Where, you cannot know. How I will get there, I haven't decided yet. But one thing I can tell you, any time I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna. And so let us part with a love that will echo through the ages. ---Woodrow

Marge: I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50.

Homer: [sigh] Marge, you're a tool of doghouse makers.

Marge: I am not!

Homer: Yes, you are. You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse commercials on TV.

Ned: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.

Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it, asparagus?

Ned: No, Reverend, the point is, he said a bad word!

Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible.

Ned: Where in the Bible?

Rev. Lovejoy: Uh... Page 900.

Ned: But Rev--

Rev. Lovejoy: [hangs up; looks down at his melted dessert] Damn Flanders.

Bart: Hey, Lis. A moment of your time.

Lisa: [stops playing her sax] Yeah?

Bart: Suppose I was writing my second letter to a girl, and I already used up my A-material. What should I say?

Lisa: [teases] Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? [puts down her sax and bats her eyelashes coyly]

Bart: Oh, please.

Lisa: Is it Sherri?

Bart: No.

Lisa: Is it Terri?

Bart: No!

Lisa: Is it that girl with the lazy eyepatch?

Bart: No!

Lisa: Is it that exchange student, M!pa?

Bart: No!! It's not for me. It's... homework.

Lisa: Sure it is. Hey Bart, [teasing, makes goo-goo eyes] let's do some homework! [closes her eyes, makes smacking noises and then puckers up slowly as if to kiss him]

Bart: [fed up, he pushes Lisa aside]

Bart: I can't help but feel partly responsible.

Ms. Krabappel: Bart, you're the closest thing to a man in my life. And that's so depressing, I think I'm going to cry. [cries]

Homer: Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth!

Marge: No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her!

Homer: Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear!

Bart: How about, "Crocodiles bit off my face."

Marge: That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodiles bit off his face.

Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge.

Homer: 3 simple words: I am gay.

Marge: Homer, for the last time, I'm not putting that in.

Mrs. Krabappel: It's such a nice day today, let's have detention outside.

Bart: It's a date. [he takes her hand, and Mrs. Krabappel walk outside into the sunshine]