Difference between revisions of "Monty Can't Buy Me Love/Quotes"

Revision as of 10:21, July 3, 2016

Appraiser: This gentleman's beer tap dates back to the mark of the century, and remarkably, seems to have never been washed.

Moe: Yeah, yeah, I been meaning to wash that, but, heh, heh, it's been such a century.

Appraiser: At auction, I'd expect this to bring twenty to thirty thousand dollars... except that on the handle somebody's carved "Homer Rocks".

Marge: I don't know how you can all just lay around the house on a nice day like this. When was the last time we went for a good, old-fashioned family walk?

Homer: Well, we stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry.

[the family is out for a walk]

Homer: Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt! All the fresh air is making my hair move. And I don't know how much longer I can complain.

[Barney drives by and yells out of his car window]

Barney: Get a horse!

Homer: Could we, Marge? Could we get a horse?

Marge: All this commotion, just for a store?

Homer: Hey, it's not just a store, it's a megastore! Mega means good, and store means thing!

Kent Brockman: Springfield is still swooning from the whirlwind visit of playful plutocrat Arthur Fortune.

Mr. Burns: Oh! The man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire. Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man?

Mr. Burns: [sighs] I thought I had everything: money, good looks, strong, sharp teeth. [sighs again] But what's it all worth when nobody likes you?

Smithers: I like you, sir.

Mr. Burns: [exasperated] Are you still here?

Mr. Burns: Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved.

Homer: I see. Well, I'll need some beer.

Mr. Burns: I want you to look at me the way I saw you look at Arthur Fortune.

Homer: [wistfully] Oh, Arthur Fortune. [sighs]

Mr. Burns: Yes! That's the look I'm looking for! What would make you and you slovenly kind look at me that way?

Homer: Well, you don't have to call me slovenly.

Mr. Burns: Yes, exactly! That's the kind of pointer I need! Tell me more, fatty.

Mr. Burns: I can't believe it! I'm still not among the hundred most popular billionaires! I'm behind Adam Sandler, for God's sake!

Homer: Well, how 'bout donating money to charity? Lots of crazy old coots do that.

Mr. Burns: A charitable donation, eh? Well, there's a first time for everything.

Homer: Gee, I feel bad. If people knew the real Monty Burns, and not the silver-dollar-throwing morphine addict you've become, they might like you.

Jerry Rude: All right, uh, how many times a day do you go to the can?

Mr. Burns: Oh, about forty, I suppose. When are we going on the air?

Jerry Rude: We're on the air now, Skeletor.

Mr. Burns: What?

Jerry Rude: Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously.

Mr. Burns: Great heavens! What kind of radiola show is this?

Jerry Rude: How about this: When was your first gay experience?

Mr. Burns: Oh well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay, old time. Ho-ho, I ate my share of wieners that day.

Mr. Burns: If a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers can win people's hearts, I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time!

Homer: A sober Irishman?

Mr. Burns: Even rarer.

Homer: Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness Monster? I mean, he's eluded Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves.

Mr. Burns: [scoffs] Peter Graves couldn't find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer.

Mr. Burns: Where's my monster, tubby? What do you people think I'm paying you for?

Homer: Uh, to work in your power plant?

Groundskeeper Willie: You're not paying me anything.

Professor Frink: You kidnapped me! I remember it distinctly, with the grabbing and the duct taping and the tennis ball in the mouth that hurt me.

Mr. Burns: Now presenting the Ninth Wonder of the World, the eighth being Gomer Pyle's heavenly singing voice, I give you the Loch Ness Monster!