https://simpsonswiki.com/w/index.php?action=history&feed=atom&title=The_Children%27s_Book_Job%2FQuotes 2026-09-29T02:01:56Z Revision history for this page on the wiki MediaWiki 1.29.0 https://simpsonswiki.com/w/index.php?title=The_Children%27s_Book_Job/Quotes&diff=1493505&oldid=prev 2026-09-28T23:25:45Z

<p>Created page with &quot;{{TabQ|nogags}} {{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Yellow Mirror|Diary of a Chimpy Kid}} {{qf|<a href="/wiki/Marge" class="mw-redirect" title="Marge">Marge</a>}} &#039;&#039;[reciting]&#039;&#039; And will, to the best of my ability, uphold the standards and tradi...&quot;</p> <p><b>New page</b></p><div>{{TabQ|nogags}}<br /> {{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Yellow Mirror|Diary of a Chimpy Kid}}<br /> <br /> {{qf|[[Marge]]}} ''[reciting]'' And will, to the best of my ability, uphold the standards and traditions of the Springfield Elementary Parent-Teacher Association.<br /> {{qf|[[Superintendent Chalmers]]}} Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson. I'm sure your tenure as our new PTA president will be a rousing success. Also, the state is closing this school forever.<br /> :''[everybody gasps]''<br /> {{qf|Superintendent Chalmers}} Yes, well, that is well-gasped, because [[Comptroller Atkins]] has decided that one school must be closed at the end of the year, and [[Springfield Elementary]] is the obvious candidate due to its staggeringly low test scores and persistent infestation of owls.<br /> {{qf|[[Principal Skinner]]}} This is terrible. The teachers and myself will all be scattered to different schools.<br /> {{qf|Superintendent Chalmers}} Now, rest assured that will not happen. You'll all be fired.<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|[[Gloria Prince]]}} This means Martin would have to go to [[West Springfield Elementary]]. It's a 15-minute longer bus ride.<br /> {{qf|[[Martin Prince]]}} That's three more wedgies!<br /> {{qf|[[Nelson Muntz]]}} Five, if the lights are against him.<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|[[Lisa]]}} Maybe we could impress the state school board by sending them pencils printed with quotations from history's most brilliant thinkers.<br /> {{qf|Marge}} Oh, sweetie, that's just the type of thing you would pitch.<br /> {{qf|Lisa}} Thank you?<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|[[Bart]]}} We can do this. All our school has to do is suck a little bit less than the next suckiest one.<br /> {{qf|Marge}} We don't say &quot;suck&quot; in this family. We say &quot;sudge.&quot;<br /> {{qf|Bart}} But our school sudges so sudging hard. It sudges monkey nudge!<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|Homer}} Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.<br /> {{qf|Marge}} Oh, you're so checked out playing that stupid game.<br /> {{qf|Homer}} It helps me relax after a long day of work. D'oh! Ball jam? This is the last thing I sudging need! Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|[[Moe Szyslak]]}} See, when I say the students should do a ''{{W|Squid Game}}'' to save the school, everyone assumes I mean it should be to the death, but it don't have to be. Necessarily.<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|[[Horatio McCallister]]}} I say we move the school to a galleon and have those overpaid teachers work for jolly limes and hardtack.<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|Lisa}} ''[[The Plucky Little Goat]]'' taught me that despite humanity's rough edges, we all have an innate goodness that can't be denied.<br /> {{qf|Marge}} Oh, sweetie, that's just the kind of review you would give.<br /> {{qf|Lisa}} Are you mad at me?<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|[[Dewey Largo]]}} My Geoffrey knows someone in [[England]] who knows her.<br /> {{qf|[[Geoffrey]]}} I called in a favor from a very old friend.<br /> {{qf|Mr. Largo}} et me tell it!<br /> {{qf|Geoffrey}} It's my story.<br /> {{qf|Mr. Largo}} I tell it better! I tell it!<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|[[Bernice Hibbert]]}} ''[on the phone]'' Now, we need you down here ASAP. Helen Lovejoy is rounding up all the books that, quote, &quot;Glorify the seven deadly sins.&quot;<br /> {{qf|[[Helen Lovejoy]]}} ''[[The Very Hungry Caterpillar]]''?&quot; Gluttony defined.<br /> {{qf|Marge}} ''[on the phone]'' Uh, you'll have to handle it. Constance Clavinger lands in an hour.<br /> {{qf|Bernice}} But only you can talk Helen down.<br /> {{qf|Helen}} What's that little engine trying to get up the hill for anyway? Steam-powered fornication?<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|Announcer}} Welcome to the United States of America. Your ICE agent will greet you at baggage claim.<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|[[Constance Clavinger]]}} Well, isn't this a fine kettle of fish?<br /> {{qf|Homer}} It's a terrible kettle of fish! And this is coming from a guy who loves fish kettles.<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|[[Snake Jailbird]]}} Ms. Clavinger, I am honored to share an outlet mall jail cell with the creator of the goat who taught me right from wrong. I chose wrong.<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|Marge}} Okay, I let Helen burn a couple of kids' books by Colin Jost. That seemed to get it out of her system.<br /> {{qf|Helen}} Burn, whoever you are.<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|Constance}} Oh, I'm so sorry, Homer. Oh, I've gone and cocked it all up with my drinking and accidental shoplifting and accidental cocaine snorting.<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|Homer}} Why me, [[God]], you miserable space bastard? Wait a minute. We can find the car using my tracking app. Thank you, you wonderful space bastard!<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|Homer}} Hey, I need to commandeer your vehicle. Husband emergency!<br /> {{qf|[[Hans Moleman]]}} But I'm on my way to dialysis.<br /> {{qf|Homer}} Quit hogging life, boomer!<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|Constance}} Oh, oh, oh. Now I dropped my galleys.<br /> {{qf|Homer}} Never fear, milady. I've got them. Every heartwarming page where The Plucky Little Goat is fed into a sausage grinder? You can't read this to children!<br /> {{qf|Constance}} Ooh. But I must read it to children in a grand public setting. It's the only way I'll kill off that whinging goat once and for all!<br /> {{qf|Homer}} But why?<br /> {{qf|Constance}} Do you know what it's like being hounded by children and former children wherever you go, forced to perpetuate a fairy tale that the world is full of wonderful people nibbling on crumble cakes, and even the ugliest toad has a soul of gold? Oh, rubbish! People betray you, like my husband, when I caught him in bed with the checkout girl from Tesco! And do you know what was tattooed on her 22-year-old arse cheek? The Plucky Little Goat!<br /> {{qf|Homer}} Arse means ass!<br /> {{qf|Constance}} When those wide-eyed innocents get an earful of goat sausage, I'll bring the whole ruddy thing down in a blaze of glory! All bridges burned! I'll be free!<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|Constance}} I must sacrifice that goat! I simply must!<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|Superintendent Chalmers}} Marge, you promised me Constance Clavinger, and instead, you delivered Colin Jost?<br /> {{qf|{{Ch|Colin Jost}}}} &quot;'Toot, toot, toot, ' went the ferry as it splish-splash-sploodled away from Staten Island.&quot;<br /> :''[Everybody boos him]''<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|Homer}} Constance, I'm sorry being rich and famous has been so hard for you, but over the course of today, I remembered something. I used to read ''The Plucky Little Goat'' to my kids. After all, books are better parents than I could ever be. But then my kids got older, and I lost my mind to phone games. I can't make new memories. So please, don't ruin the only good ones I have.<br /> {{qf|Constance}} That's the most moving, genuine, heartfelt speech I've ever decided to ignore. Toodles.<br /> ----<br /> {{qf|Constance}} &quot;One dreary morning, the Plucky Little Goat awoke with a feeling today would be special, but not in a happy way, because this was the day that…&quot; The Plucky Little Goat decided today would be a different story.<br /> {{qf|Homer}} Huh?<br /> {{qf|Constance}} The Plucky Little Goat was far from her barnyard home, in a strange place with lots of guns and no vaccines. Then at the airport, she met a great big hippopotamus, who smelled like the worst parts of the jungle, ut who was kindly just the same. And thanks to him, they had a wonderful adventure. The smelly hippo showed the goat that there are things worth saving in this world, like children's innocence and mayo-drenched sandwiches, and not all people will cheat on you with a much younger grocery whore. The end.<br /> <br /> {{Season 38|Q}}<br /> {{DEFAULTSORT:Children's Book Job/Quotes, The}}</div>

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