Editing Bart the Lover/Quotes

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{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Homer Alone|Homer at the Bat}}
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''A black-and-white educational film. Jimmy is trying to start his car with no success.''

'''Jimmy''': Hey, what gives?

'''Jimmy's Dad''': You said you wanted to live in a world without zinc, Jimmy. Well, now your car has no battery.

'''Jimmy''': But I promised Betty I'd pick her up by six. I'd better give her a call.

''He tries to dial Betty's number, but nothing happens.''

'''Jimmy's Dad''': ''[chuckles]'' Sorry, Jimmy. Without zinc for the rotary mechanism, there are no telephones.

'''Jimmy''': ''[distraught]'' Dear God, what have I done?

''He takes a gun out of the drawer, puts it against his head and pulls the trigger, but it doesn't fire.''

'''Jimmy's Dad''': Think again, Jimmy. You see, the firing pin in your gun was made out of - yep - zinc!

'''Jimmy''': Come back, zinc! Come back!

''Dissolve to Jimmy in his bed, talking in his sleep and waving his arms.''

'''Jimmy''': Come back... zinc... come back... zinc... ''[wakes up]'' Zinc? Zi... what? ''[sighs in relief]'' It was all a dream. Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones, car batteries, handguns ''[bang!]'' and many things made of zinc.

''Bart, watching the film in class, casts a shadow over Jimmy's face with his arm.''

'''Bart''': Gross, he's picking his nose! ''[the other kids laugh]''
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''A depressed Edna Krabappel has ended her work day at Springfield Elementary and is doing errands. She first sees a car mechanic to see why her car is acting up. Mechanic tastes a substance from her gas tank.''

'''Mechanic''': Just as I thought, sugar! Your ex-husband has struck again.

''Mrs. Krabappel buys goods at Kwik-E-Mart.''

'''Apu''': Would you like anything else?

'''Edna Krabappel''': One Scratch & Win, Apu.

''Edna Krabappel scratches off lottery ticket at counter.''

'''Apu''': So will you remain in teaching?

''Edna scratches off ticket to reveal a losing combination of a lemon, a prune, and a cherry.''

'''Edna Krabappel''': At least until tomorrow.
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[[Maude|'''Maude''']]: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?

[[Todd|'''Todd''']]: Hell, no.

''Ned, Maude and Rod gasp.''

'''Maude''': What did you say?

'''Todd''': I said I don't want any damn vegetables.

[[Ned|'''Ned''']]: Alright, that's it, young man. No Bible stories for you tonight.

''Todd runs to his room crying.''

'''Maude''': Weren't you a little hard on him?

'''Ned''': Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.
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''Bart is watching an old-time black-and-white movie to get inspriration for his love letters.''

'''Frenchman''': A million poets working for a thousand years could not succeed at describing even ⅜ of your beauty.

'''Bart''': Whoa! Slow down Frenchy, this stuff is gold!
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'''Woodrow''': "Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit."
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'''Ned''': "I'm talking about your potty-mouth."

[[Homer|'''Homer''']]: "What the hell are you talking about?"

'''Ned''': That is it. Your swearing is having a negative influence on my son.

'''Homer''': Oh yeah? The nerve to think you can impose your ways on me! Well, I do not like...your mustache!

'''Ned''': OK, fair is fair. Tell you what. If you get rid of the potty mouth then I will get rid of the soup-strainer. It is a deal!
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'''Homer''': Stupid Flanders, telling me I should not swear!

'''Marge''': You know Homer, you have let a lot of colorful idioms fly loose, and I am worried it will be a bad influence on the kids.

'''Homer''': Well, what am I supposed to do about it?

'''Marge''': You could try one thing my parents did. When my father got out of the Navy he cussed a blue streak. So my mother set it up that every time he swore he had to deposit 25¢ into a swear jar. That broke his swearing!
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'''Homer''': "Damn crappy nails! Superglue my butt!"
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'''Mrs. Krabappel''' [after the bell rings and the kids leave]: If anyone wants to learn more about zinc, they're welcome to stay. We can talk about anything. I'll do your homework for ya?
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'''Ned''' [about Todd]: Is this all he watches?

'''Maude''': Well, he used to watch Davey and Goliath, but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.
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'''Groundskeeper Willy''': Don't you worry about your wee fish, lass. They're goin' to a better place. (flushes them down the toilet)
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'''Mrs. Krabappel''' [reading] After two months at sea, the Pilgrims were running out of food and water. [Nelson raises his hand] Yes, Nelson.

'''Nelson''': Did they have any have yo-yo's?

'''Mrs. Krabappel''': No, they did not have yo-yo's. [continues reading] When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the friendly Wampanog Indians.

'''Milhouse''': [raises his hand] Did the Indians have yo-yo's?

'''Mrs. Krabappel''': No, they did not have yo-yo's! [slams book closed] That's it! [slams book onto her desk] I am getting sick and tired of talking about yo-yo's. From now on, I will not accept any book reports, science projects, dioramas, or anything else on yo-yo's or yo-yo-related topics. Am I making myself clear?

'''Bart''': Yo!
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"'''Woodrow'''": Dearest Edna, I must leave you. Why, I cannot say. Where, you cannot know. How I will get there, I haven't decided yet. But one thing I can tell you, any time I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna. And so let us part with a love that will echo through the ages. ---Woodrow
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'''Marge''': I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50.

'''Homer''': [sigh] Marge, you're a tool of doghouse makers.

'''Marge''': I am not!

'''Homer''': Yes, you are. You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse commercials on TV.
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'''Ned''': Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.

'''Rev. Lovejoy''': Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it, asparagus?

'''Ned''': No, Reverend, the point is, he said a bad word!

'''Rev. Lovejoy''': Oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and…direct them to the Bible.

'''Ned''': Where in the Bible?

'''Rev. Lovejoy''': Uh…Page 900.

'''Ned''': But Rev--

'''Rev. Lovejoy''' [hangs up; looks down at his melted dessert]: Damn Flanders.
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'''Bart''': Hey, Lis. A moment of your time.

'''Lisa''': [stops playing her sax] Yeah?

'''Bart''': Suppose I was writing my second letter to a girl, and I already used up my A-material. What should I say?

'''Lisa''': [teases] Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? [puts down her sax and bats her eyelashes coyly]

'''Bart''': Oh, please.

'''Lisa''': Is it Sherri?

'''Bart''': No.

'''Lisa''': Is it Terri?

'''Bart''': No!

'''Lisa''': Is it that girl with the lazy eyepatch?

'''Bart''': No!

'''Lisa''': Is it that exchange student, M!pa?

'''Bart''': No!! It's not for me. It's... homework.

'''Lisa''': Sure it is. Hey Bart, [teasing, makes goo-goo eyes] let's do some homework! [closes her eyes, makes smacking noises and then puckers up slowly as if to kiss him]

'''Bart''': [fed up, he pushes Lisa aside]
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'''Bart:''' I can't help but feel partly responsible.
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'''Ms. Krabappel''': Bart, you're the closest thing to a man in my life. And that's so depressing, I think I'm going to cry. [cries]
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'''Homer''': Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth!

'''Marge''': No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her!

'''Homer''': Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear!
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'''Bart''': How about, ``Crocodiles bit off my face."

'''Marge''': That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodiles bit off his face.

'''Homer''': I may hold you to that, Marge.
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:'''Homer:''' 3 simple words: I am gay.
:'''Marge:''' Homer, for the last time, I'm not putting that in.
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'''Mrs. Krabappel''': It's such a nice day today, let's have detention outside.

'''Bart''': It's a date. [he takes her hand, and Mrs. Krabappel walk outside into the sunshine]

{{Season 3|Q}}