Editing Bart Simpson's Bible Stories/Quotes

{{TabQ|nogags}}

{{qf|[[Bart]]}} Look, God made everything, right?
{{qf|[[Rod Flanders]]}} Yes.
{{qf|Bart}} And so he made TV. And God is perfect, right?
{{qf|[[Todd Flanders]]}} Yes.
{{qf|Bart}} So TV must be perfect, right?
{{qf|Rod}} I guess so.
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{{qf|Bart}} Yo, Milhouse! I got a bag of gold. Wanna blow this town?
{{qf|[[Milhouse Van Houten]]}} You bet! This place is so Old Testament!
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{{qf|[[Marge]]}} You could help with the plow sometime!
{{qf|[[Homer]]}} That would be the sin of coveting my wife who has the job of my ox and my ass.
{{qf|Marge}} I'd like to read those commandments you're always quoting sometime.
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{{qf|Narrator}} Abraham was ninety-nine when God spoke to him.
{{qf|[[God]]}} Abe, I have a Job for you!
{{qf|[[Grampa]]}} What's that? Speak up!
{{qf|God}} I have something I need you to do!
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{{qf|Grampa}} Hey there, Job. What's new?
{{qf|[[Jasper Beardsley|Job]]}} Oh hi, Abe. God's been testing me. My oxen died, my sheep were set on fire, my kids had a house fall on 'em, and I'm covered in these painful sores. Can't complain though. How about you?
{{qf|Grampa}} God just told me to have a bunch of children with my beautiful wife Sarah.
{{qf|Job}} ''[pauses]'' God's pet.
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{{qf|God}} Abe! You must offer your son as a burns sacrifice to prove your faith!
{{qf|Grampa}} Sacrifice my son! Got it!
{{qf|Homer}} Who are you talking to daddy?
{{qf|Grampa}} Oh, no one.
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:''[more time passed...]''
{{qf|God}} Um... Abraham, about that sacrifice.
{{qf|Grampa}} Right, right, I'm on it.
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:''[even more time passed...]''
{{qf|God}} Abe! I won't say this again! Sacrifice your son now!!
{{qf|Grampa}} Well, this is the first I've heard of it.
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{{qf|Grampa}} You can either reject God and walk all the way down the mountain, or I can carry you home in this nice comfy urn!
{{qf|Homer}} It is a long walk. I wish we belonged to one of those non-sacrificing religions.
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{{qf|Grampa}} Listen, son, you've helped me out, so if there's anything I can do for you, just name it!
{{qf|Homer}} Well... I'd really like that bike I never got for [[Christmas]].
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{{qf|[[Lisa]]}} How come they get every animal on Earth, and I can't even have a pony?
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{{qf|Rod and Todd}} ''[singing]'' God said to Noah there's gonna be a floody floody!
{{qf|{{ap|Noah|Bible}}}} Boys come inside and let the people drown in peace!
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{{qf|Rod}} Daddy, mommy's gone to Heaven.
{{qf|Noah}} Well, that's gonna make repopulating the Earth a real dilly of a pickle.
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{{qf|Noah}} Wait a minute! All the sinners are still alive!
{{qf|[[Sideshow Bob]]}} Yes, we were saved by the leprechauns.
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{{qf|Bart}} And so everyone in the Bible lived happily ever after. Except for [[Satan]]. The end.

[[Category:Simpsons Comics stories quotes]]